Lucky Man... Now and Then

North Star Annual Christmas Fireside with Fred & Marilyn Matis

2011-12-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

North Star Annual Christmas Fireside 2011

Date: Sunday, December 11th, 2011
Time: 7:00PM
Location: 2790 N. Center Street, Lehi, UT

As in past years, the fireside will feature the talents of individual North Star community members, a brief spoken message, singing, and post-fireside socializing. Please join us for a musical celebration of our Savior's birth. The location is the same as last year's fireside: 2790 N. Center Street, Lehi, Utah. Because it is held in the chapel, please wear Sunday dress. Families and friends welcome.

Homeless visitor at stake conference

2011-12-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today was stake conference, and through a series of events, I ended up listening in the foyer. It was an enlightening experience. I encountered a whole subculture those in the chapel most likely didn't know existed. A few mentally challenged individuals roved the halls filled with nursing mothers, rebellious chatty teen girls, coughing old men, and jubilant little kids running away from their mothers.

Perhaps the most interesting event was to watch the interaction or lack thereof with a homeless man who wandered the halls with a large hard-sided suitcase. One man spoke with him, some nervously smiled, some turned away, most just ignored him. I thought it was ironic that a counselor in the stake presidency was speaking about what it means to be Christian as many found it hard to show Christ-like love to this man.

I examined my own sentiments. Through my mind ran the name of a Facebook group I follow called "Empathy First." What level of empathy did I have toward this man? Would I be a doer of the word and not just a hearer? I admit that I felt a bit uncomfortable. I thought about the two empty bedrooms in my home. Thoughts then went to my wife and daughter. Would it be safe to invite him there? For a while, I did nothing - just observed.

As he walked around the corner out of sight, I finally found the courage to follow after him and speak with him. He said he was waiting to talk with one of the bishops who had helped him before. We spoke briefly. I gave him the little money I had in my wallet and walked away, feeling some level of comfort that he would likely receive additional help from the bishop.

To a large degree, I failed him, but I'm grateful to have at least minimally acted upon my desire to help this man. Next time I'll do better.

I don't need you anymore.

2011-11-21T23:21:00.002-07:00

Jake,
It feels a little strange to be saying this to you now - 30 years since we graduated from high school - but I don't need you anymore. I didn't end the sentence with an exclamation point because I'm neither ecstatic nor angry. I'm nostalgic, peaceful, and satisfied.

Last weekend when I was in town, I felt the need to see you, so I dropped in and caught you home alone. It was uncomfortable and awkward from the start. I guess I should have supposed it would be. When I sent you "my story" in early April, you said you were really busy with tax season and would get back with me when it was over. Even then, I knew you wouldn't. You have never been the one to initiate any form of contact, even though you professed to enjoy it when I reached out to you. For some reason I felt I owed you the courtesy of knowing a personal aspect of my life before it became public in a book published by Deseret Book. When you opened the door, it wasn't the usual, "Bravoooonnne!" "Hey" was all you could muster.

We talked about our lives, mainly yours, for the better part of an hour. During the conversation, I could feel myself pulling away emotionally, finally giving myself permission to not really care about you anymore. For the past 30 years, I haven't missed a birthday call, haven't ever stopped feeling the desire to be part of your life, haven't shed the need to be accepted by you. When I got up to leave, instead of the usual hug goodbye, you maintained an uneasy distance which seemed to represent your discomfort. This time, however, instead of letting it say something about me, I realized it spoke volumes about you, about the shallowness of your friendship and character.

When I walked down the sidewalk to my car, where I once would have felt rejected and discarded, this time I felt liberated from years of self-inflicted second class status, from years of one-sided friendship, from teen-like hero worship. I walked away feeling confident and content that I no longer NEED you. I don't resent you. I wish you no ill will. I'm grateful for the good that did come from our friendship. Associating with you gained me acceptance in the "popular" groups at school, and propped up my feeble sense of self-worth at a critical time in my young life. What I felt for you was closer to pity than anything.

You don't really know me. I'm a good man, the husband of a beautiful wife, the father of four wonderful, well-adjusted children, a successful businessman, and a respected leader in my community. I'm still a good friend, but now I'm a friend to people who reciprocate my friendship. The friends I have now are true friends I not only continue to build happy memories with, but also can turn to when times are tough. Many times I don't even need to turn to them because they are tuned in enough to sense when I need a kind word, or helping hand.

So, all my best to you Jake. You won't be seeing me because I don't need you anymore.

Epiphany on Spiritual Feelings and Marriage

2011-10-09T22:36:00.000-06:00

I was standing at the kitchen counter a few weeks ago, and had an epiphany of sorts. To some it may seem simplistic and naive; to others, profound; to me, it resonates and feels right.

Spiritual Feelings: For months, even years, I have struggled much more with my faith than with my life as a gay man. I have stewed, fretted, worried, even grieved and mourned for what seemed simpler times... simpler faith. I've tried to "think" my way through things and minimize what I "felt" about them, especially spiritual things. How, after all, could I differentiate between promptings of the spirit and my natural emotions? I've posted extensively about my wrestling with spiritual matters.

My epiphany was short and precise; If something makes me feel good and leads to the wholesome, I'm going with it. I'm going appreciate and honor the emotion whether it is the spirit speaking or just a "feel good" reaction in my head. I'm not going to get all worked up about the source of the feeling.

From a gospel perspective, my approach probably isn't that far off. We're told that all good things come from God, and that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually (Moroni 7:13).

Marriage: I am going to do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together because I find my truest happiness in my family. Many voices both whisper and scream that I am not living "authentically," that my marriage will either eventually fail, or I will not find true happiness until I embrace my homosexuality by finding a male partner with whom to share my life. The same voices maintain that participating in activities such as Journey into Manhood, weekly support groups, online support groups, etc. are not worth the effort, and not in harmony with my "true" or "authentic" self. I reject these notions!

It may be true that I need to do more than some heterosexual men to maintain a happy and fulfilling marriage, I can't be sure. However, the concept of "maintenance" is not exclusive to mixed orientation marriages. Many professionals are required to complete several hours per year of continuing education. Athletes engage in regular conditioning to maintain peak performance. Even cars require routine maintenance.

So, there you go!

My Boy Is Getting Married in the Morning

2011-07-21T23:42:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted in a while, but need to put down some thoughts tonight before hitting the hay. Life has been crazy lately. I've really suffered from allergies the past few months and feel like I've aged 10 years. Hopefully it's temporary. I started my own business, put my 17 year-old dog down, quit taking depression and anxiety meds, finished landscaping my yard, hosted around 25 people at my house for the July 4th festivities, put on two family reunions, etc. etc... Oh, and one of my sons is getting married in the morning!

I suppose I should be really happy right now, maybe I am... More than anything, I feel kind of sad. It seems like yesterday he was born. I vividly remember the details of that day. Now he is a man, one any father would be extremely proud to call son. He is 22, and I am 48. I was 22 when I got married, and my dad was 48. My dad seemed so much more legitimate and put-together than I feel. I feel like a punk kid still trying to make sense of my world. I feel so inadequate to be a "father-in-law."

This son is my second. He grew up in the shadow of a seemingly "perfect" brother, just one year his senior, who was smart, athletic, a natural leader, good looking, etc. Yet, he possesses a lot of self-confidence and has forged his own distinct path. They were/are really close. This son is the one who saw me looking at gay porn when he was a teen. That morning I noticed he hadn't had breakfast, and I asked him why. He hedged a bit and then finally told me he was fasting. Fasting? A teenage boy fasting on a school day? When pressed, he said, "I'm fasting for you Dad. I saw what you were looking at on the computer." My heart sank. My son's hero was now gone.

Several years later, he would google something on my computer and notice I had again been viewing porn. It was this son who would ask my then best friend to take me for a drive and try to help me, and which would lead to my long journey home. It was this son's endowment and ordination to the Melchezidek priesthood I would have to miss. It was this son who, a few days after his return from a mission, I would divulge my "real" life story. It was this son who would wrap his arm around me and tell me that he still loves me, and that I am still his hero.

He is such a fine young man, a true catch for his fiancee. He is tall, good looking, smart, hard working, compassionate, focused, fun, witty, deeply spiritual...

He is in love, and it radiates from him. As I type this, my melancholy of seeing him move on to this new phase of life, is slowly turning to a smile. I haven't been the best example for him, but I have always loved him and been so blessed to have him for a son. I'm so excited for him. She is beautiful in every way. I anticipate great things from the two of them.

Maybe this is going to be okay.

I should have been sleeping...

2011-06-21T23:15:00.000-06:00

He wins who finishes as friend to self.

It may seem a bit narcissistic, but if we spend our entire lives accumulating boat loads of friends, but fail to make peace with the man in the mirror, and fail to convince him that he too is worthy of our friendship, we have failed in one of life’s greatest conquests – that of our own souls.

I have to chuckle. The first thought came as I was drifting in and out of sleep last night. These allergies are killing me! I purposely worded it awkwardly so one has to read it slowly and think about its meaning. When I shared my deep, philosophical musing with my wife, she looked at me with her nose crinkled up and said, "Huh?"

Well, the second thought was a quick attempt to explain the first. Not sure I did any better!

Moods of Late

2011-05-28T01:10:00.000-06:00

It's only been a couple of weeks, but seems like forever since I last posted. A lot has happened the past few weeks that I probably won't take time to write about, but two deserve attention. One is a calming feeling that has settled in my mind regarding my spiritual doubt. I haven't reached any particular conclusions or had any mind shattering event to report, but thanks to input from a few trusted friends, I have called a temporary truce with my conflicting thoughts. Sometimes I get so worked up about my feelings toward God and most things religious that I can't find peace in my daily living. I'm engaged in a deliberate process of examining not only my specific doubts, but also some possible factors influencing the way view God and the men who lead or have lead the Church. Having a plan, and working it seems to assuage the gnawing pit in my spiritual stomach. (Didn't know anyone but an Old Testament whale had a spiritual stomach did you?) The "plan," is interesting to me, and I'll likely share some of it with you.

The second thing I'd like to write about (I'm too tired tonight) is an email from a friend of mine expressing his concerns about becoming a father to a son. He already has a few daughters, but is terrified about the prospects of raising a son. While I'm no expert, I'll try to address some of his concerns from my perspective because I don't think he is alone in his fears.

Better get some sleep. : ) (You can wake up now and go to bed too.)

The role of doubt and choosing to believe

2011-05-12T08:25:00.000-06:00

In response to my last few posts, a thoughtful friend of mine recommended the following article by Terryl Givens:

A Culture of Certainty

There is, I think, another aspect of his legacy that shapes the special character of the people who call Joseph “Prophet” and that connects them in a particularly powerful way. That is the possibility of religious certainty that Joseph held out. A man inducted into his religious vocation with a literal visit by an embodied God and Christ is not likely to view his religious convictions in the same terms as a typical Christian believer. Translating scripture out of tangible metal plates weighing 40 or 50 pounds is not of the same order of prophetic utterance as expressing mere spiritual intimations. Feeling the weight of angelic hands belonging to resurrected Apostles on his head—conferring upon him the priesthood of God—produced a crystalline certainty about his authority (the lack of which would drive Roger Williams to abandon his own church). Joseph Smith, in other words, did not simply believe he was a prophet inspired to act in God’s name; in his mind he was as certain as any man could be on any subject sacred or secular. “I knew it, and I knew that God knew it,” he said of his initial encounter with deity.Joseph’s formative experiences—as a 14-year-old seeker, as a prophet, and as a religion maker—were saturated in the physical, the tangible, the material, and the visible.

Certainty is a term that frequently appears in the ministry of Joseph Smith—often in a doctrinally prominent position. In hisLectures on Faith, which he delivered to the elders in Kirtland, he claimed that from earliest times, faith has been a prelude to sure knowledge:

The inquiry and diligent search of the ancient saints to seek after and obtain a knowledge of the glory of God [was rooted in]the credence they gave to the testimony of their fathers. . . . The inquiry frequently terminated, indeed always terminated when rightly pursued, in the most glorious discoveries and eternal certainty.

Of his own case he wrote to his wife, “For as much as I know for a certainty of Eternal things if the heveans linger it is nothing to me.” It is easy to see why his personal encounter with a conversing deity would ground his own sense of epistemological certainty. But he clearly saw his own experience as a prototype others could—and should—aspire to. An 1833 revelation had the Lord declaring, “Every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh unto me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am” (D&C 93:1). This possibility Joseph related to the doctrine of the Second Comforter, spoken of by Christ when He addressed His disciples before His crucifixion. On that occasion He promised that the Father would send them “another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever” (John 14:16).

Joseph wrote:

When any man obtains this last Comforter, . . . the visions of the heavens will be opened unto him, and the Lord will teach him face to face, and he may have a perfect knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of God.

Joseph apparently believed that the personal epiphany he experienced in his visitation by the Father and the Son—heralding full immersion in the divine light, with all its epistemological fullness and certainty—betokened an order of knowledge that was the right and destiny of all faithful Saints. That very real possibility informs Mormon life, worship, personal aspirations, and shared purpose. To attend any LDS testimony meeting, for example, is to enter into a rhetorical universe in which a language of calm assurance and confident conviction and even professions of certain knowledge overwhelm the more traditional Christian expressions of common belief. It may well be that this sense of shared knowledge—its possession or pursuit—is an even more potent community builder than shared faith. At the same time, of course, such rhetoric can have its drawbacks. It can convey a sense of smugness or superiority; it can create the tragic impression that with certainty there is no room or need for searching; and it can create discomfort and alienation on the part of those who do not or cannot share in expressions of serene, unconflicted conviction.

So it is at this point that I want to conclude with a few observations about what happens in the absence of such certainty. Whether faith is a way station on the way to certainty, as it seems to be in Alma’s sermon, or the place one’s spiritual journey takes one to, it is important that one understand the incalculable significance of faith—of this deliberate gesture of belief—as a defining moral gesture.

It is true that some people seem born with faith. And many people die with a full complement. My own grandmother spent her last months pining for death because she was the last of her generation; she “missed her people” to an excruciating degree; and she grew more and more disconnected from a world she saw as simply irrelevant, without the power to interest or lay hold upon her. It was striking to watch the world and persons beyond the grave assume, in her mind and in her conversation, a fully fleshed-out texture and presence that utterly displaced the inhabitants of the here and now. Faith did not seem a choice for her. It descended upon her as naturally, irresistibly, and encompassingly as the heavy snowfalls on her upstate New York farm.

But such a gift I have not found to be common. It would seem that among those who vigorously pursue the life of the mind in particular, who are committed to the scholarly pursuit of knowledge and rational inquiry, faith is as often a casualty as it is a product. The call to faith is a summons to engage the heart, to attune it to resonate in sympathy with principles and values and ideals that we devoutly hope are true, and to have reasonable but not certain grounds for believing them to be true. I am convinced that there must be grounds for doubt as well as belief in order to render the choice more truly a choice—and, therefore, the more deliberate and laden with personal vulnerability and investment. The option to believe must appear on our personal horizon like the fruit of paradise, perched precariously between sets of demands held in dynamic tension. One is, it would seem, always provided with sufficient materials out of which to fashion a life of credible conviction or dismissive denial. We are acted upon, in other words, by appeals to our personal values, our yearnings, our fears, our appetites, and our egos. What we choose to embrace, to be responsive to, is the purest reflection of who we are and what we love. That is why faith, the choice to believe, is, in the final analysis, an action that is positively laden with moral significance.

I believe that we are—as reflective, thinking, pondering seekers—much like the proverbial ass of Buridan. If you remember, the beast starved to death because he was faced with two equally desirable and equally accessible piles of hay. Having no determinative reason to choose one over the other, he perished in indecision. In the case of us mortals, men and women are confronted with a world in which there are appealing arguments for God as a childish projection, for modern prophets as scheming or deluded imposters, and for modern scriptures as so much fabulous fiction. But there is also compelling evidence that a glorious divinity presides over the cosmos, that God calls and anoints prophets, and that His word and will are made manifest through a sacred canon that is never definitively closed. There is, as with the ass of Buridan, nothing to compel an individual’s preference for one over the other. But in the case of us mortals, there is something to tip the scale. There is something to predispose us to a life of faith or a life of unbelief. There is a heart that in these conditions of equilibrium and balance—and only in these conditions of equilibrium and balance, equally “enticed by the one or the other” (2 Nephi 2:16)—is truly free to choose belief or cynicism, faith or faithlessness.

Why, then, is there more merit—given this perfect balance—in believing in the Christ (and His gospel and prophets) than believing in a false deity or in nothing at all? Perhaps because there is nothing in the universe—or in any possible universe—more perfectly good, absolutely beautiful, and worthy of adoration and emulation than this Christ. A gesture of belief in thatdirection, a will manifesting itself as a desire to acknowledge His virtues as the paramount qualities of a divided universe, is a response to the best in us, the best and noblest of which the human soul is capable. For we do indeed create gods after our own image—or potential image. And that is an activity endowed with incalculable moral significance.

As Carlyle said, “The Great Man was always as lightning out of Heaven; the rest of men waited for him like fuel, and then they too would flame.”

Joseph Smith ignited something in thousands of men and women that connects them to God and to each other in powerful ways. In part, this was because he was, like Esther, born to his hour in human history—an hour when the passion for human liberty never burned brighter. His message resonated because it was a stirring, compelling, and exciting synthesis that presented a spiritually hungry humankind with a god, like the god of Plato, who “was good, and the good can never have any jealousy of anything. And being free from jealousy, he desired that all things should be as like himself as they could be.” The god of Joseph Smith was not a threat to human potential but a being who gloried in that potential and whose work was to bring it to fruition. That was why Joseph’s message resonated and caught hold like a burning fire.

But his message also flamed forth because millions of men and women have freely chosen to believe. They assayed the opinions of doubters, and they gave a hearing to the critics. Like Brigham Young, they knew Joseph was human and subject to err, but they sampled his words and agreed they tasted like honey. They weighed the beauty of a god and of human origins and a human future unlike anything before imagined. They found reason to doubt, and they found reason to believe. They chose to believe.

Epilogue to "Prone to Wander"

2011-05-06T00:13:00.003-06:00

In my last post, "Prone to wander... and wonder," I lamented that I so often doubt my faith, and am prone to wander from the God I love. Last Saturday a perceptive friend, who doesn't read my blog, called to visit and sensed in my voice that something wasn't quite right. I tried to get off the phone without explaining, but he pulled out of me that I was in the doubting phase again. Along with my doubting phases comes shame for having such doubts. He read me a few pages from a book that describes the necessity of keeping the lines of spiritual communication open and of acknowledging that having such feelings doesn't necessarily mean that we are doing anything wrong. It may seem simple to some, but to me, it was enlightening because I have always associated my spiritual doubt with a personal weakness, character flaw, or a result of sin. So, from now on, I'm not going to be ashamed for doubting. Sounds kind of silly, but I ain't gonna feel it no more.

One positive that has come from my doubting is an intense desire to find truth. It keeps me yearning, searching, studying, and reaching for knowledge. Amidst the the acquisition of knowledge, I must also allow the spirit to work within me. I do believe in the Spirit - I think. (oy vey!) I do. I do. I really do. Convinced? To co-opt a quote of C.S. Lewis, "Education without values [the spirit], as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil." A good measure of truth is the witness of the spirit. I have felt it many times in my life. When the enemy of my soul attempts to plant seeds of doubt, I need to REMEMBER the witnesses I have received. In the Doctrine and Covenants section 6 verses 22-23, the Lord tells Oliver Cowdery, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter: What greater witness can you have than from God?"

To demonstrate my pattern of forgetfulness and cycle of doubt, one simply need peruse my blog:

Gratitude for Testimony

Remember

Seven months later, I even forgot I wrote a post on remembering!

Remember

My Biggest Struggle

Prone to Wander

Ah, another Prone to Wander blog!

I Felt Something

I Know

And then, my infamous five part series of "My Thoughts about God, Spirituality, Religion, The LDS Church, and Where I fit in as one of Father's gay sons" that took me 5 months to write!

Two other blog posts about yearning and forgetting:

Willing to give away all my sins

Losing My Spiritual Memory

Bottom line? I will likely always wonder a bit and maybe even wander some, but as long as I keep desiring, and acting on that desire to know, hopefully I'll be headed in the right direction; and I won't be too hard on myself either.

Prone to wander.... and wonder

2011-04-29T14:20:00.002-06:00

I love the lyrics of this hymn. It expresses the feelings of my soul. I so often wander from the Lord and wish He would take my heart and bind it to his. Seeds of doubt creep in and I ache that I am not stronger in my faith. Part of me is ashamed that I doubt. I have been so richly blessed in my life, and have, in times past, felt such strong burnings in my soul that I thought I would never be capable of doubt. And yet, here I am again, yearning and longing for simpler times when I felt so confident in my belief system. I am weak. God please take my heart and seal it for thy courts above.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing, 
 tune my heart to sing thy grace; 
 streams of mercy, never ceasing, 
 call for songs of loudest praise. 
 Teach me some melodious sonnet, 
 sung by flaming tongues above. 
 Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, 
 mount of thy redeeming love. 

 Here I raise mine Ebenezer; 
 hither by thy help I'm come; 
 and I hope, by thy good pleasure, 
 safely to arrive at home. 
 Jesus sought me when a stranger, 
 wandering from the fold of God; 
 he, to rescue me from danger, 
 interposed his precious blood. 

 O to grace how great a debtor 
 daily I'm constrained to be! 
 Let thy goodness, like a fetter, 
 bind my wandering heart to thee. 
 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
 prone to leave the God I love; 
 here's my heart, O take and seal it, 
 seal it for thy courts above.

 Robert Robinson, 1735-1790

Thoughts of Late

2011-04-22T18:12:00.001-06:00

I was touched by this blog post of someone whose friendship I value. I believe if we approach life with "love, compassion, honesty, integrity, charity... peace with all of [our] decisions... [and according to] virtues that [we] hold to be important," we needn't worry about our ultimate destiny. I believe that we are here to learn and grow, each to improve upon the talents we have been given in the light of the challenges we face. Living the virtues he listed will ensure that we will have accomplished that lofty design. At the end of the day, I believe we will be judged more on the content of our character and the compassion we showed others than a checklist of accomplishments.

As I strive to live with greater authenticity, vulnerability, and charity, I pray I will become the best me that I can be, and that those within my small sphere of influence will be better off because I spent a while here.

Marital Intimacy

2011-04-13T22:14:00.003-06:00

Hmm... I've avoided this post, wondering if I should avoid the topic, wondering what others might think of me. I feel that I should address it because I don't think my situation is unique, and in fairness to those considering marriage, considering a variety of personal experiences could prove helpful. Hold on, I'm going to be real. ( I'm kind of scared ) Think what you may of me, but please don't project any negativity on my wife. She is amazing, and those here who know her will attest to the wonderful woman she is.

I fell in love with my wife intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and every other way before becoming physically attracted to her, but I knew she was pretty. I wasn't blind. In some ways, I think it is a healthy way to fall in love. For most heterosexuals, the physical attraction first draws them together and then hopefully the rest follows.

When we dated, she wanted to kiss far more often than I did. I told her we "had to be careful." :) I didn't fully understand why I wasn't as excited about being physical with her as my roommates were with their dates.

As our relationship developed, and I saw in her the traits I desired in an eternal companion, I knelt in prayer and told Father I wanted to marry her, but HAD to have a spiritual confirmation that it was right. Too sacred to share, I will simply say I received my answer, and later I would understand why it was so important that I receive that witness.

The day we married was and remains the happiest day of my life. To be in the temple, worthy and across the alter from my lovely bride was a spiritual experience like no other. For our honeymoon, we spent a week in a cabin near Rocky Mountain National Park. It was a wonderful time when we were able to relax and express our love physically. It was not, however, like most would expect. It took me a few months to be able to fully consummate our marriage. Neither of us fully understood why, but we were in love, patient with each other, and found other ways to enjoy each other physically.

Over time, I my sexual desires for her grew, and I was able to gain the confidence necessary to perform "normally." The frequency of our physical intimacy has never been at the level of most heterosexual couples and perhaps even other mixed-orientation marriages. Much of this is because, even after 26 years, anticipating sexual intimacy scares me as if I were a school boy experiencing it for the first time. Once the intimacy has begun, the fear dissipates and I truly enjoy the experience. Before falling asleep after intimacy, I think to myself, "Wow, we should do this every night!" Each experience is sacred, special, enjoyable and brings us closer together as a couple.

Two issues I have dealt with that have made matters worse are certain prescriptions I take and occasionally when I have indulged in pornography. Sexual intercourse was also easier earlier in our marriage when both our hormonal levels were higher.

Each couple is different, and comparing our circumstances, especially sexual lives, can be counterproductive at best, and potentially destructive. We communicate well, and have had pretty frank discussions about our intimacy desires and needs. We know what is "enough" for us. In saying what I have, I need to clarify that we are a very affectionate couple, both in private as well in public (when appropriate.) We love being physically close, hugging, and kissing. My favorite part of the day is when we lay down together at night and she rests her head on my chest, wraps her leg over mine, and we hold each other as we fall asleep. Life feel so complete, so right, so secure in those special moments.

I love my wife and am so blessed to have such an amazing eternal companion. I want to grow old with her and enjoy together our posterity. I hope what I have shared will be helpful in some way to someone out there. Physical intimacy is extremely important in a marital relationship. What form that takes is unique, personal, and sacred between husband and wife.

And Should We Die...

2011-04-02T00:41:00.001-06:00

The Mormon hymn "Come, Come Ye Saints" contains the line "And should we die before our journey's through, happy day, all is well." I don't mean to betray my pioneer ancestry, but I have thought of this phrase as it applies to me, and would change the words to "And should she die before our journey's through, sad, sad day, life is hell." I don't consider myself a morbid or fatalistic person, but over the years, I have thought quite a bit about death, both mine and my wife's. I home teach/taught the two oldest men in our ward, one 88, the other 87. The 87 year-old just died last week. His wife died a year ago, and he has been so sad, so alone that I have ached for him. Death was a blessing for him. He and his sweet wife shared such a close endearing relationship, that the prospect of living without her was more than he could bear.

Sometimes, in the depth of despair, it has been my death that I have not only thought about, but occasionally planned. Other times, in a way that I am ashamed to admit, I've thought, that if she died in an accident or something, it would be the only excuse I would need to express my bitterness toward God, leave his church, and embrace a life far from the one we shared together.

Now when I think of my death, I pray that God would bless my wife with a wonderful husband that she adored and would live out the remainder of her days in contented happiness. My greatest hope is that we die together, when we have had the opportunity to grow old and enjoy our posterity together.

Now when I think of her death, I am frankly a bit frightened by the prospect of it. I can't imagine my life without her, or maybe I can, and that is what scares me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am still amazed and a bit in awe that I found her, and we have been able to build such a great life together. I fear I could never find another quite her, and quite honestly, have no desire to attempt the search. I hated the dating game the first time around, until I met her, and the thought of going through it again leaves me feeling sick to my stomach. She is the love of my life. I would miss her more than I am capable of expressing. Somehow God blessed me to have the ability to be attracted to her and grow to love her in spite of my natural inclinations. Somehow God blessed her to be able to be attracted to me and to love me. Maybe I lack faith that such a miracle could happen again.

I don't do "alone" well. I don't mean temporarily alone. I do need and enjoy hours alone, maybe even a few days, but beyond that, I begin to deteriorate. I don't sleep or eat properly. I quickly become depressed and resort to old "friends" of self-destruction. I honestly don't think I would live too many years alone. I'll just leave it at that. It's too painful to think about right now, and the natural instinct to survive has compelled me to seriously think about what I would do to survive her death. I've concluded that I would not want to live alone, nor would I seek out another wife. However, if God sent someone like my wife to my front door and personally introduced her to me, I'd entertain the idea of marriage again. Short of that, I think I would eventually seek out a male companion. Now before you jump to conclusions, let me explain how I would envision that scenario playing out. I would try to find a male friend that I could share my home, interests, and life with, a friend to come home to, to travel with, etc. I envision it being a platonic relationship, hopefully with someone who, if not sharing my religious beliefs, would at least respect them, someone who would mesh well with my family. Some may scoff at the idea of a platonic relationship, but at my age, it isn't as hard to imagine as it would have been in younger years. He would be more like a brother to me, a confidant, and friend.

I hope I never have to know for sure what I would do...

Working through the emotions.

2011-03-17T23:49:00.007-06:00

Wow, talk about a flood of memories and emotions. One of my sons got engaged this week. I am so happy for him, but have struggled with the idea that I'm moving into a new phase of life. Yesterday was a bad day. It started when I clicked on a YouTube link on facebook. It took me to a video of two guys kissing. It caught me off guard, but I was fixated and watched it. It wasn't pornographic, but evoked several emotions within me. It reminded me that, yes, I am indeed attracted physically to dudes. It reminded me that I am emotionally attracted to men. I felt a longing to hold and be held by a strong man, and feel the emotional and physical connection that seems so natural to me. It made me want to look at more, to work my way into more and more graphic material. This time, however, I stopped myself and instead knelt in prayer. I was grateful to have avoided porn, but was left in a funk.

A few hours later, my oldest son posted his younger brother's marriage proposal video on facebook. It was so special to watch, to see this fine son get on one knee and ask a beautiful, bright young woman to be his wife. I could see the happiness in his eyes, and hear her sobs of joy. It took me back 26 years to the day I asked his mom to marry me. I had received the strongest answer to prayer I had ever been given. I knew it was right, no doubt, but I was scared. I loved so much about her, knew she was cute, but wasn't overly sexually attracted to her. Two other roommates got engaged a few weeks earlier, and I could tell they felt something I didn't, that I should be more excited. I didn't really understand why I didn't feel the same. I didn't even want to see her the next day. In spite of the answer to prayer I couldn't deny, I was sick inside. Things got better over the next few days, and I was happy to have found such a wonderful girl who saw something in me that I couldn't see myself. At the end of the semester, she went home to Colorado to prepare for the wedding, and I went home to Idaho to work and save money. I didn't write or call as much as she would have liked. I was terrified when she came the week before our June wedding. I didn't feel ready for such a huge step. Thankfully, the week was just what I needed to bond again and prepare for the big day. I can honestly say that our wedding day was the happiest day of my life to date. It is too personal and sacred to me to share my feelings that day, but I was so happy, and all my doubts and fears melted away into comfort, assurance, and joy. You can read about my feelings toward my wife here and here.

The combination of these two events yesterday left me feeling really low, so I used a lifeline and phoned a friend. He helped me work through my feelings and I gained a clearer perspective about why I was having such emotions and he suggested some things to think about that have really helped. I am so grateful for good friends who can relate to what I am going through and care enough to support me when needed.

I decided that, while I needed to allow myself to feel the emotions I did, mourning what I might have missed in our courtship was unproductive, especially because I am so happy and grateful to be married to my wonderful wife and have the family I do. We might not have taken the same path others may take, but we are genuinely happy together, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am focusing my energies on feeling happy for my son and feeling grateful that he naturally feels the way one should when entering marriage. I'm even getting used to the idea that I need to be an adult now, and someday in the not to distant future even a grandpa :)

Mixed Eomitnos

2011-03-06T15:03:00.001-07:00

I should be the happiest man in the world right now, and I kind of am. I need to allow myself to feel the full measure of happiness I am capable of feeling. A little background, my addictions are in remission, I have amazing friends, a beautiful, loving wife, a career I enjoy, and which is going fairly well right now, a nice home, four great kids - one son in the Marriott School of Business at BYU, another son who is asking his future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage today (she is a sweetheart), a son who is putting in his mission papers in three days, and a bright, beautiful daughter who was presented her Young Woman's medallion today. And yet... I feel kind of sad as I watch all this goodness swirling around me.

Why sadness? Good question. I think it is because I'm a bit nervous and scared. I'm not quite sure why, or what I'm nervous and scared about. I suppose part of it is the fact that I have loved being a father and raising my little family, and I don't want some things to change. We are still close, but now that all but one are gone, the dynamics are changing a bit. We have a family blog & call & text each other to stay in touch, but I still miss them. Some parents are kind of excited about the day the kids leave home, my wife and I are not. We look forward to spending more time together, just the two of us, but we have truly loved every stage of our kids lives.

I am excited for my kids as they build their own lives, but time has passed too quickly for my liking. How can my son be asking a man for his daughter's hand in marriage? I just did that! How can my baby boy be leaving on a mission? It was just last night that I laid on his bed telling him adventure stories about him and his mighty dog Moe. How can my little girl be dating big basketball players with raging hormones? I just barely held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep, singing songs in a way that only a little girl that hadn't learned what "off key" meant could appreciate.

My life is so richly blessed. I hope God doesn't curse me for not showing proper gratitude. I am grateful. I am amazed that, as hard as I tried to mess up my life, He somehow salvaged it and made it what it is today. There are still challenges and moments of depression and anxiety that sneak up on me, and I suppose there always will be, but for now, I am so very happy and so content.

Losing my spiritual memory

2011-02-24T19:49:00.001-07:00

A few of the recent posts have caused me to reflect on the reality of the turmoil and pain we, as members of Christ's Church, sometimes feel as men attracted physically and emotionally to other men, or women attracted to women. My heart has ached as I've read some of your current struggles, temptations, and doubts. Part of that ache comes because I know all too well what you are feeling. For me, these feelings are intensified when I am not spiritually in a good place, when I am not taking care of myself physically by not getting enough sleep, exercise, or eating properly, when I am stressed by financial other concerns, and when I am not actively seeking ways to strengthen healthy male relationships - either with those in close proximity or with friends by email, facebook, or telephone.

During my "walk about," I acquired several addictions that haunt me still, but my Achilles heel is spiritual doubt. If Satan can get inside my head and whisper doubt about the Church and spiritual witnesses I have had in the past, I am much more vulnerable to sexualize my attractions and turn to my addictions. When I am in balance spiritually, physically, and emotionally, my life is really quite smooth and enjoyable. My attractions are simply attractions and I fee at peace with myself and my Father. When I allow those doubts to fester, or languish in sin, I seem to forget the things that bring me true happiness. I develop a spiritual amnesia that clouds my better judgment.

Recently, I had the blessing of spending some time with a friend, who like me, a few years ago had lost his spiritual bearings and placed his family relationship and his Church membership at risk. Although both of us are in a pretty good place right now, we realize that we are just one mouse click or bad choice away from spiritual danger. The day he left, I was holding his beautiful little son, and I asked him if he could imagine walking away from his family as some of our friends have done, and expressed how I couldn't understand how some in our shoes are capable of leaving wife and children behind for any reason. Truthfully, I guess I do understand. I almost lost all that I now hold dear because I lost my spiritual memory. I took on a false idea that the choices I made didn't affect anyone but me. Truth is none of us, even if we are single, lives in a vacuum. The choices we make affect many others - family, friends, posterity, coworkers, neighbors, ward members, and society in general.

In the Book of Mormon, the phrase, "O remember, remember" is often repeated, imploring us to remember the covenants we have made, the blessings Father has given us, the truths we hold dear, the promises made if we are faithful. My prayer for all of us is that Father will bless us with spiritual memory that we may remember where we find true happiness and peace.

I love you my brothers. I testify that if we humble ourselves and trust our Savior, He will turn this incredibly difficult challenge into a blessing that draws us back to Him. He will use it to purify us, refine us, and teach us what we came here to learn.

Throwing the Baby Out With the Bath Water

2011-02-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

Far too often it seems many of us get discouraged and tire of trying to reconcile what we feel are our natural physical and emotional desires to be with someone of our own sex with the teachings of the Church, and end up discarding not only the Church, but the many good attributes and truths we acquired through our heritage and upbringing. I know this was the case with me. It didn't happen over night, but I eventually became so frustrated, angry, and worn down that I "threw the baby out with the bath water." (The phrase "To throw the baby out with the bath water" was part of a treatise by Thomas Murner in 1512 on fools who by trying to rid themselves of a bad thing succeed in destroying whatever good there was as well.)

I became so bitter toward the Church that I couldn't stand to see photos of the First Presidency, the temple, or Christ in our home. I felt resentment that it seemed that the Church was forcing me to either embrace it or risk losing my family. As my faith faded, it became easier to discredit or explain away spiritual witnesses I had experienced previously in my life. Overtime I lost all belief in God and anything spiritual. Looking back, I realize that much of what I had done in the Church was done because it was expected of me and not because I understood the eternal rational or principals behind the commandments and covenants I made. I had not internalized eternal truths and made them a part of my character. Lacking spiritual and moral integrity, I made many choices that would later bring much heartache to both my family and myself.

My biggest regret about that period of my life is that I didn't have enough integrity to live a moral life and be true to my wife in spite of my lack of religious belief. I have finally forgiven myself, and have even come to be grateful for the lessons learned during my "walk about." This is all made possible by the grace and atonement of my Savior.

My plea to you is that you will be wiser than I was, and as you wrestle with your testimony, and seek to rid your life of some of some of the pain we often feel as gay/ssa members of the Church, you won't succeed in destroying whatever good there is as well. We needn't "throw the baby out with bath water." We can maintain our integrity, hold on to eternal truths, and seek greater understanding from our Father to help us understand how our experiences fit in his eternal plan for us.

The Top Five Reasons to Circumcise Your Son

2011-02-02T10:53:00.002-07:00

Circumcision. Argh! Why the hell are we, a "civilized" society, still practicing barbaric ancient Jewish rites? We must not believe Christ when he said that the Mosaic law was fulfilled in Him. Rather than approach the subject with any level of reason, I will take a milder approach so as not to offend the sensitivities of anyone contemplating the "procedure" for their possible future or soon-to-be-born man child.

And the top 5 arguments that support circumcising your son are.....drum roll...

1) At birth, cut off all little boys' ears so there is no need to teach the proper hygiene of washing behind them.

2) Remove their prostates because they may become cancerous someday. Remove little girls' breasts as well for the same reason. It might also be a good time to take out their appendix.

3) To ensure son looks like pop, if dad is missing an arm, cut off the boy's arm too. If dad is missing an eye, poke out the lad's eye as well.

4) Just in case you live in a neighborhood where people mindlessly cut off children's toes at birth because "that's just the way things are done," cut off your son's toes so he won't be mercilessly teased by the other boys for being the "abnormal" one.

5) My three sons, who were left as God created them, have turned out to be total societal deviants, spiritual wimps, disease infested, completely lacking in confidence, and have extremely poor self-esteem.

Bottom line: Don't spoil the child, spare the rod.

The Kid

2011-01-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

I watched "The Kid" last night with the family. It's a show about an miserable image consultant, Bruce Willis, whose younger self unexpectedly shows up in his life. He is both frustrated and annoyed with his younger self whom he considers a pathetic loser. Tons of parallels could be drawn between his life and the life of many of us in the "family." He finally comes to terms with his child self, begins to understand his father and forgives him, and finally comes to love himself. The gist of the movie is that we can seek to understand our past, but we can't change it. What we can change is our future. We are not destined to any particular life based upon our past. We can choose to overcome aspects of our life that are difficult, hurtful, ugly, lonely, etc.

Many of us have things in our past that we may or may not have been able to control which we would like to overcome. We can! We are the masters of our destiny, the captains of our souls.

The Problem with Porn

2011-01-09T23:30:00.089-07:00

The title could well read, "My Problem with Porn." Pornography has been a part of my life since I was a young boy. I think the first time I saw porn was at my cousin Bob's house. Bob's older brother had a stash under his mattress. Bob discovered it and quickly shared it with me. We not only looked at the pictures with fascination, but also read the stories. It was in his brother's bedroom, reading Playboy and Hustler, that I gained my sex education. For example, we found out that the term for one of the activities we engaged in was called "jacking off." I apologize for being a bit vulgar. I simply want to point out how innocent we were when it all began. Even at that early age, I was way more interested in looking at the male bodies in the couples' section of Hustler than looking at female bodies. Perhaps it's because I already had experience with my cousin, or maybe it was a natural phase of sexual development.

The next encounters with pornography occurred at the county dump, located through the field from our house. All the neighborhood kids knew it was a repository for dirty magazines. In the link above, I described finding "the mother load" and in that stash, a Playgirl. To this day, I vividly remember the centerfold of that magazine, and there in lies one of the problems with pornography - once in the mind, forever in the mind.

As I discuss what I perceive to be the problems with pornography, I do so from my perspective and using my terminology. I'm not a linguist or psychologist, I'm just me. A professional may make a stronger case for the ills of pornography or challenge my thoughts, but this is my blog, so I'll do it my way. :) Addiction used to be reserved for substance abuse. In more recent years, it has been expanded to include activities over which an individual loses some level of ability to exercise control, and include things such as masturbation, viewing pornography, and even eating disorders. Usually addictions arise when one attempts to escape his/her reality by resorting to things that alter the mind. For me, over the years, my escapes have been alcohol, pornography, masturbation, and reckless eating. You might say I have a potpourri of addictions. :(

Sometimes I can go for extended periods of time with little or no temptation to turn to one of these vices, sometimes even years, but they are always there lurking in the shadows of my mind, patiently waiting their turn for my attention. Usually depression and/or high anxiety trigger my use of these tools of self destruction. In another post, I may address some of these other vices, but for this post, I'll stick to pornography.

As I alluded to earlier, unlike alcohol, pornography never leaves my brain. Images can be recalled voluntarily or involuntarily at a moment's notice. Sometimes in sacred places and situations, these images flash through my mind. I hate it, yet sometimes crave it. Pornography dulls the senses. Repetitive viewing of porn destroys any sense of sanctity for our bodies. It cheapens that which should be sacred. I understand how it often leads to desire for harder and more degrading images, and often leads to sexually acting on the pent up emotions viewing pornography evokes. I understand how, over time, it can lead to sex crimes. In my life, when I hit bottom, it was a combination of alcohol and pornography that finally led me to acting out sexually with another man.

Pornography can cause problems with self-identity. Let's face it, generally those who pose for nude photos or "act" in pornographic videos are well endowed and physically fit. They are "ideal" physical specimens in our midst. They are not your average Joes. Viewing porn diminishes one's self esteem as a result of comparing oneself with what becomes the "perfect" image of a sexual being. I never felt inadequate about my body until after years of viewing pornography. I hate to mention this because I don't want to portray porn as having any redeeming value, but if anything good came out of the hours of viewing porn, it would be that I am only attracted to a very narrow segment of the male population. Unless someone is the picture of perfection, I am not interested.

Speaking of hours of viewing pornography, I am absolutely amazed at what happens in the brain when naked images are viewed. Chemicals are released that take away the need for food, human interaction, or sleep. I could spend hours upon hours of otherwise productive time viewing porn. What a tragedy!

I'll only mention one more pitfall of porn, although many more could be discussed, and that is sexual performance. I know this is a bit personal, but I want to be as real about this as possible. Men are more visual than women when it comes to sex, and this is true of both heterosexual and homosexual men. We need visual stimulation much more than woman, or at least that's what I'm told, and believe to be true from personal experience. When one spends great amounts of time viewing pornography, it takes more and more to become stimulated and can reek havoc on a normal sexual relationship with one's spouse. I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that sometimes I have to recall certain images to become sufficiently aroused to perform sexually with my wife. This sickens me. When we were first married, I hadn't had as much crippling pornography crammed into my mind and it was much easier to enjoy our sacred sexual experience together. Now I am having to reprogram my mind to focus on the present and to find satisfaction in our intimacy without the influence of carnal images flashing through my thoughts.

I have been pretty personal here, and may risk offending some of you or losing your respect. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes to spare as many as possible in my sphere of influence from the evils of pornography. Avoid it like the plague. It will destroy you. It will destroy your family. It will destroy our society. If you are caught in it's snares, seek professional and spiritual help, and DO IT NOW! It is more intoxicating and addicting than any drug or drink known to man.

There is ultimately only one way to become free from the entanglements of pornography - lay this addiction at the feet of the Savior and rely on the merits of his redeeming sacrifice. It can be done! There is hope, and it is found in Him!

EPILOGUE:
Confession (as if I haven't confessed enough already!) I deleted someone's comment to this post and didn't publish the comment of another. I think this is a first for me. The reason is simple, I feel so strongly about the perils of pornography that I cannot in good conscience publish comments by anyone who minimizes the damage viewing pornography can have, or worse, advocates viewing porn "in moderation." I mean no ill to those who view this issue differently, I am simply unwilling to promote their views. I believe pornography has NO redeeming value whatsoever.

One commented that the human body is beautiful and should be celebrated. Our bodies are created in the image of God and are beautiful, perhaps his greatest creation, but those who attempt to justify pornography under the cloak of art or anything praiseworthy are either naive, severely misguided, or outright evil. (I don't think either of these two individuals fall into the latter category.)

It was suggested that the reason I can still recall images from youth, is because of the severe guilt I associated with viewing the images. Wrong. I was too young to even feel guilt, it was fascinating to me. This friend also suggested that the reason I sometimes recall vivid images to my mind during intimate moments to become sufficiently aroused is because I have a decreased hormonal level and simply because I am gay. There is no doubt that hormones and medicines may play a factor, but even heterosexual men who are addicted to pornography can be adversely affected by its viewing. A documentary on television not long ago told of men who became more stimulated and came to prefer viewing sex acts on the monitor more than actually participating in them. As I mentioned earlier, I am not a professional in the field of psychology. I don't need to be to know that viewing porn is harmful.

In addition to my personal witness, modern prophets have testified of the evils of pornography. No further reasoning is needed.

As someone below commented, if you are caught up in pornography, the last thing you need is more shame heaped upon you. Shame is destructive and drags us down, often resulting in the need for a "fix." We can shed the shame because the Savior has born that burden for us. Rather than being weighed down in debilitating shame, let's have hope, and trust the Lord in his promises to elevate to higher ground.

My Christmas Wish For My Friends and Family

2010-12-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

My Christmas wish is simple this year, and yet requires effort. I wish each of my friends and family inner peace. The Savior, whose birth we celebrate said, "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me." I pray that you and I find peace, feel it settle within our souls, and share that peace with others by serving them in meaningful ways according to their wants and needs.

Unlikely Friendships, Omelets & Snowflakes.

2010-12-20T23:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had brunch with a friend whose association I have come to treasure. As I ate my standby ham, cheese, and mushroom omelet, I realized how much I appreciate this friend. I hadn't seen him in a few months, and knew I had missed him, but didn't realize how much I enjoy simply being around him. Some might consider ours an "unlikely" friendship, but as I consider those whose friendships I have most enjoyed over the years, most have been "unlikely." There was Leo, an old Polish neighbor, who treated me like a son when I moved my little family across the state to a unfamiliar town where I knew no one. Blaine, over 50 years my senior, found place in my heart when he allowed me to help him perform his secret acts of service he was no longer able to do them alone. We made a deal that the last die had to speak at the other's funeral, and the first to pass, had to put in a good word for the other. I knew I'd likely be speaking at his funeral, but really needed the good word, and knew he had connections.

Some of my friends are young enough to be... wow this is hard to admit... young enough to be my kids. Somehow they make me feel younger and included in their lives nonetheless. Many of them wiser and more mature than their years might indicate. Then there's Karen, a seasoned citizen, who runs a bar down the street from where I work. She is as sincere a friend as I've had. Unfortunately, I don't see her often now that I no longer drink. Visiting her at the bar might prove too tempting for me.

What is it about each of these friends that draws me to them? Like snowflakes, they are each unique, with talents, attributes, strengths and weaknesses. What really makes them special to me is the unconditional, no strings attached, friendship they offer. They are thoughtful, mindful of others, and don't have the "what's in it for me" attitude that so many shallow people possess. They may have different political and religious views, may be older or younger, but all possess an innate goodness that is easily discernible.

I like to think I'm a fairly low maintenance friend, some may disagree. I hope to always be the kind of friend my closest friends are to me. True friends are like snowflakes, beautiful, unique, and to be treasured.

Annual North Star/Matis Christmas Fireside

2010-12-08T22:58:00.001-07:00

Sunday, December 12th 2010 will be the annual North Star/Matis Christmas Musical Fireside. The location will be in the chapel of the church located at 2790 N. Center Street in Lehi at 7:00 PM.

The program will feature solos, a quartet, congregational hymns, an amazing organ solo, a Christmas reading and much more. Following the fireside, true to Mormon tradition, refreshments will be served.

(Especially if you bring something to share!)

Because the program is in the chapel, you'll feel most comfortable in Sunday dress.

Let's face it, our "family" has a ton of talent. Accept my personal invitation. You'll thank me later!

Come celebrate our Savior's birth, and enjoy the evening with friends.

Below is a link to the fireside:

http://northstarlds.org/events/1012_recap.php

He is free, but what about me?

2010-12-05T00:04:00.010-07:00

Today I attended the funeral of a friend of mine, a member of the "family." He and his daughter were tragically killed in an automobile accident on Thanksgiving Day. The service was a touching tribute to two lives well lived, to the whole family actually.

Before the service, my wife and I went to the funeral home for the viewing. We wanted to have a moment to embrace his sweet wife and express our heart felt condolences. While hugging her, she expressed her belief that Father's hand was involved, and that her husband was now "free." She didn't need to explain what she meant, I knew. Ironically, on the way down to the funeral last night, I mentioned to my wife that sometimes I wished that, like him, I could be "free" of my mortal challenges. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not suicidal, just weary, a bit worn. I've lost desire to do what normally brings me respite and happiness.

The past two months have been difficult for me for several reasons. I hesitate to enumerate because I should be grateful for what I do have, but feel the need to let my feelings out, to give some of them voice. In September, within one week, I lost a year's worth of commercial real estate commissions when three major deals fell through. Beginning the same week, I mourned first with a friend because of his loss, and then mourned my own loss as he closed himself off to me and many others to work through his self-healing process. I was surprised how deeply I hurt for the both of us. The financial and friendship losses put me into a funk from which I have yet to emerge.

September also brought partnership woes in my business. Within a few days, our year long goal of reorganizing our three way partnership fell apart, with two of us feeling the need to head in a different direction from our other partner who is a dear personal friend. It is still not resolved, and will have life-altering ramifications for all three of us. On top of that, another large and critical real estate deal is teetering on the brink of failure due to issues beyond my control. It is a week late closing, and if it fails, I don't know how we'll keep the lights on this month.

My high priest group leader told me two weeks ago that he has asked twice for me to be his assistant, but, for some reason, the powers that be don't feel it is "appropriate." Hell, they trust me to teach gospel doctrine to their teenagers, but they don't think I'm "worthy" to work with a bunch of old men? Sorry if I seem a bit jaded. I just don't get it. Frankly, I'd rather keep my Sunday School class anyway, it's just the politics I don't appreciate.

I also realized last week that I haven't fully recovered from the loss of my "straight" friend, (as if I only have one straight friend...) I still ache when I think of how close we were, and don't understand the mentality of disposable friendships or friendships of convenience. I feel a bit immature to admit how much it still hurts to feel his rejection. I want to hate him, but deep inside, I still love him, or at least love the friend he once was. Oh, and, my computer and passport were stolen last week. :)

My health has also not been the best, physically or emotionally. The previous four months, I had lost over 50 pounds through diet and exercise, and felt great. I have gained about 15 back. My way of coping in times past had been to look at porn, masturbate, and/or drown my sorrows with alcohol. Not wanting to do those, I turned to reckless eating. I never thought I would understand why one would cut oneself, but may have an inkling now because, for reasons that I don't fully understand, I want to hurt myself - physically, do something "wrong," or sabotage my own progress.

Prior to telling my wife that in some ways I was a teeny bit envious of my friend, who had died, I told her that I had just the past week turned again to the other three weapons or coping mechanisms listed above. I hated telling her, but needed to let her in again. I needed to tell her now to head off the temptation to begin living a double life again. I promised her and myself I would never do that again. I'm so so blessed to have a wife and friend that I can be totally honest with. She asked why I didn't turn to her before engaging in those activities - legitimate question. Truth is, when I need help the most, I least want it. I have reached out at times, to her and to other friends, but sometimes I seem to want to sink into a hole of self-pity and find comfort in my vices.

Noticeably absent from my list of reasons for my mental state are concerns about being gay or doubts about the Church. Luckily, neither cause much angst at the moment....knock on wood. I did go to a counselor and see my internist. Tests came back that my thyroid is all out of whack again, and my anxiety meds aren't doing the trick anymore either. We're working on both.

I apologize for rambling, but that's where I am right now, and it all leaves me wanting to be "free," free from mortal pressures we all face, wanting a rest.

Why I Don't Just Walk Away From "The Gay"

2010-11-12T23:19:00.002-07:00

Recently, my sister, just two years younger than I, asked my mom why I keep associating with other gay people, why I feel compelled to interact with people who might "tempt me to do homosexual things or may speak disparagingly about the Church."

At the Evergreen Conference this year, Jeff Robinson said that individuals most successful in "overcoming" or "controlling" homosexuality are those who completely walk away from everything homosexual, including friends who may also be gay.

I don't personally know anyone who has "overcome" homosexuality by any means, so I can't speak to the efficacy of completely walking away from all things homosexual.

Nonetheless, I have a few issues with the "walking away" theory. First, I believe that part of what I consider to be my homosexual nature is just that, part of my nature. I did not choose to be attracted emotionally or sexually to the male sex. I don't know why I have these attractions, these emotions, these traits. I can choose what place I give them in my life, but I don't think I need to, or necessarily can, simply walk away from them. I would be walking away from part of myself, a part that I have come to embrace and even be grateful for. I have learned more, been humbled more, and brought closer to my Savior through this challenge than anything else in my life.

Secondly, what if everyone walked away from every trial, challenge, or hardship they faced, never to share their experiences with others who may benefit from hard lessons learned. I think that part of the covenants we make as members of the Church, and part of our responsibility to mankind in general are to help one another successfully navigate mortality by sharing, supporting, comforting, mourning with, loving, teaching, mentoring, and encouraging one another.

If everyone walked away from their past, there would be no Alcohol Anonymous, LDS Family Service Addiction Recovery groups, Evergreen, North Star, Affirmation, SCORE (retired business professionals volunteering time mentoring small business), Big Brothers, Big Sisters, etc. Is there danger associating with those who share your struggles, past or present? Of course, but there could also be danger in having a false sense of confidence that you have "conquered" your challenges and don't have need of the support, understanding, and friendship of those who have walked in your moccasins.

The scriptures and history books are full of stories of great men and women who have overcome significant challenges in life, and then used their experiences to bless the lives of others. Jesus Christ, himself, suffered all things, not so he could "walk away," but so he could understand and succor us in our times of need.
I am far from a savior, but if I can help even one person by sharing my experiences and providing hope, I will do it. I am grateful for those who have done so for me. I am strengthened by my brothers and sisters who likewise experience homosexuality in their lives. I count them as some of my closest friends, even if our paths may vary. I will do all in my power to walk away from my sins and addictions, but I will not walk away from my nature or friends.

EPILOGUE:

I received a Facebook email from a friend in which he mentioned that he can't walk away from the Church. It made me think a bit. Some feel that, in order to be true to themselves, they must walk away from the Church. Just as I cannot walk away from my gay nature and gay friends, I cannot walk away from the Church either. I don't think I need to walk away from the Church, the Gospel, or spirituality to be "authentic" or "true" to myself. In my book, they are not mutually exclusive. Maybe I'll write more about that another time.

Mental Illness or Mental Weakness?

2010-10-25T00:11:00.001-06:00

Let's face it, I have no qualms taking drugs... when medically necessary... and legal. This hasn't always been the case. In high school, I worked late nights 4-5 times per week, managed the wrestling team, tried to maintain high grades, and served as student council president. I took speed just to stay awake in class. I've always had a knack at self-medicating :/ MJ and alcohol, however, were purely recreational. Unless memory has embellished reality, I'd probably be a pot head if it were legal in society and Church. Well, maybe not a pot head, but... okay I'd probably exercise no self-restraint and be a total pot head! Sorry, sad but true.

As I mentioned in my last post, I am a "recovering" addict when it comes to alcohol, porn, and food. Most other drugs either scare the bageebees (sp) out of me or simply don't interest me much. I'm always excited to stock pile pain meds after surgery, but in reality, I never finish the bottle, never refill the prescription. But, and this is a big but, I've been on certain meds for years. I've been taking medication for acid reflux since I was 22, the year I got married...purely coincidental I'm sure. I also take thyroid pills. Most people, myself included, have no problem taking medication to for acid reflux, thyroid problems, liver disorders, or most any problem with body parts UNLESS it's the human brain. Having problems with our most complex and mysterious organ often carries a certain social stigma connoting mental weakness, taking the easy way out, not "manning up," or not taking responsibility for the results of our thoughts and actions.

About the time of The Fall, I sought out medical help for what I thought might be depression. I often wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and simply "go away." My family physician prescribed something, but, after little results, sent me to a shrink. Said shrink looked like the crazy doctor in "Back to the Future," and diagnosed me with clinical depression and anxiety. He juiced me up with so much medication I had seizures, but at least I didn't feel dark, debilitating, depression. Truthfully I didn't feel much of anything. I was hoping for a "high," but have never achieved it with medication.

I have been on and off, mainly on, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs for the past 10 years. I realize there is a difference between situational and clinical depression, but am not sure which is the case for me anymore. Mental illness does run in my family, but is that just an excuse I use? Sometimes I get so tired of paying for and taking meds, that I wean off or stop taking them cold turkey, only to end up back on them a few months later. What I believe to be most of the issues causing my situational depression have been mostly resolved, or at least put at bay for some time now. And yet, even on meds, I can go into deep funks that render me almost incapable of functioning in a meaningful way for days at a time. Sometimes little concerns or worries can balloon into massive depression that makes me want to self-medicate or at least sleep the day away. Other times, I can't identify any good reason for the way I'm feeling.

I would love nothing more than to be drug free, but honestly, I'm a bit scared to come off the meds for fear of turning to one of my addictions to replace them. I don't know what to do or who to turn to in order to find the answers I need. My internist is a great guy, but doesn't seem to have the answers. My experience tells me most shrinks simply want to medicate. The idea of counseling isn't too appealing and hasn't been terribly effective in the past. I liken the varying opinions in the medical field to the approaches offered for relief of back pain. An MD may suggest medication. A physical therapist would suggest strengthening muscles. A naturopath may offer a home remedy or acupuncture. A chiropractor would "adjust" you for months on end. A surgeon seems a bit too eager to operate. I believe they all have their place, but are sometimes too proud, occasionally a bit self-serving. I don't necessarily fault these practitioners for their bias or preference. I believe most are sincere and offer help based on their particular training. How awesome would it be if they could all come together to use best practices from each profession to truly help the patient?

Do any of you have suggestions for how I might best discern whether I have a mental illness or simply need to buck up and face my mental weakness?

Reality of Addiction

2010-10-22T10:07:00.001-06:00

Sometimes my addictions of alcohol, pornography, and gluttony seem a distant past. Other times, the allure and "promise" of at least temporary relief from stress and painful reality return with a vengeance. Such has been the case this week. In my last post, I described being at peace and one with myself. That is still true, but accepting and loving myself in spite of, and perhaps because of, my past doesn't spare me from the realities of mortality.

I am still weak against my addictions. I am still susceptible to debilitating anxiety, and more often than I'd like to admit, I fall into deep funks that are hard to escape.

This week, I came incredibly close to drinking again. My business partners and I are making some really tough decisions right now that will alter all our lives. Finances are tough. Emotions stemming from the distancing of a sister, and the lingering sorrow for the loss of my closest male friendship weigh heavily on my mind. Feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness have been overwhelming. I started thinking perhaps I could just have a drink occasionally to help settle nerves, and help me cope enough to work through the difficult issues without the tightness I feel in my chest, the shortness of breath.

I actually bought a bottle of vodka Tuesday. I really wanted to drink it. I really didn't want to drink it. Just having the bottle in the brown wrapper felt good, like a reunion with an old friend. I texted three friends simply saying, "want to drink." Within a few hours, each called. I didn't want to answer the phone when they did. It was a cry for help, but I didn't really want help. I wanted to be left alone. I needed to drink, to sleep, to escape.

When one called, I kept hanging up on him, but he persisted. I was rather quiet on the other end of the phone, not wanting to discuss anything, wanting to run. Somehow, with the help of these trusted friends and help from above, I made it through the night without cracking the seal of the bottle, but I hid it "for insurance" against future needs. The next morning, I felt a bit better and threw the "perfectly good" bottle of self medication in a random dumpster.

While I felt a small sense of victory over self, I more acutely felt the glaring reality the power my addictions still hold on me. I am just one choice away from jumping back into a life of deceit and subjection to my physical cravings. It's a bit frightening to be honest. I avoided the pornography and alcohol this time, but found myself wanting to devour anything and everything unhealthy I could get my hands on.

Years ago, I noticed a pattern of intense trial, challenge, and temptation right before good things happened in my life. It that pattern has any merit, I'm do for my share of wonderful about now. One can only hope!

2 Year Blogiversary - Learning to Love and be One with Myself

2010-10-20T23:32:00.029-06:00

It's hard to believe that I've been blogging for over two years now. I think I've already written more on my blog than all my journals combined. It has been a wonderful ride so far. I've learned a lot about myself, made many dear friends, and even made a bit of progress in my personal life. However, I have a long way to go (hopefully) before the sun sets, and realize more all the time how far I am from becoming the man I want to be. I'm okay with that though. I'm okay not feeling like I have to have all the answers now. I'm okay admitting that I am sometimes hypocritical, a bit simple minded, and don't entirely "have my act together."

Some time ago, I wrote a blog entry titled “Where is the little boy, and who is the man in the mirror?” I reflected upon the sweet little boy I once was, and mourned that he had become a man who couldn’t look in the mirror without a deep sense of shame and self-loathing.

Where was the little green-eyed, blond-haired boy born that bright Easter morning? As he grew, freckles covered his nose and cheekbones. He was sweet and sensitive, the family peacemaker, his mother's "little bishop." His favorite chore on the family farm was the nurturing of newborn calves. An older cousin talked him into wrestling in a tournament. He wanted to go home. Being “mean" was not part of his nature, but he kept winning.

The little boy became a teen, quiet, tender, and yet yearning to be someone he wasn't. While outwardly he seemed like most other boys, he held a secret deep within. He wanted so badly to fit in, but never felt like he belonged.

He grew into a young man of faith and hope. He served a mission and later was miraculously blessed to marry a beautiful daughter of God. He was full of confidence and knew he would be successful in life. And then… the pressures of life became overwhelming, and he fell. He gave in to baser desires, and acquired addictions that would haunt him for years to come.

Who was this man looking back at me in the mirror? What happened to the innocent, little green-eyed boy I so deeply missed? Did they both reside within my body, or had the little boy, the hopeful teen, the confident young father, and the successful provider died, and left a shell of a man in their place?

Only recently have I gained the courage and clarity allowing me to love all the “Steves” of my past and present. The picture in this post represents the Steve of today embracing the Steves of yesterday. I realize that the endearing little boy is still part of me. I have compassion for the insecure teen. I admire the young father so full of desire. I understand and feel empathy for the middle-aged man who broke under the burdens he bore, and I forgive him. I honor the once faithless addict who loved his wife and family enough to claw his way out of the pit he dug for himself.

I believe the admonition to “be one” applies to us individually as well as collectively. Only when we are at one with ourselves are we open to the lessons Father would have us learn from our mortal experiences. I am so thankful for good friends at North Star who have greatly affected my life, supported me in dark moments, and encouraged personal growth. I am grateful for experiences like Journey Into Manhood that have taught me to be authentic, have given me insight into some of the reasons I made choices I did, and have given me tools to address my same gender needs in healthy ways that don’t conflict with gospel teachings. Most of all, I am grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Through the amazing power of his atonement, the sting of past transgressions is gone, weaknesses have been turned to strengths, ugly moments have become opportunities for divine tutoring, the promise of happiness now and in the eternities is a reality, and I am at peace, one with myself.

What the world needs now...

2010-10-02T00:06:00.008-06:00

What the world needs now is love, sweet love. My heart aches over the unusually high number of publicized suicides resulting from taunting, teasing, bullying, and belittling. I don't understand the mentality of individuals behind such cruel acts. I hope I never do. On second thought..........maybe I do know a bit about it. I still feel sorrow and wonder about Cammie. We were in the fifth grade, but should have known better, should have been more sensitive to how our actions affected Cammie. She lived in the poorest part of town, wore dirty clothes, didn't always smell pleasant, had stringy greasy hair, and was very much alone. The recess bell became Cammie's bell, and if you didn't get off the ground, you got Cammie's cooties. In the classroom, everyone lifted their feet. On the playground, kids jumped on the window ledge, the basketball pole, or on each other to avoid getting Cammie's cooties. It was great fun :(

For years, I've tried to find Cammie. No one seems to know anything about her. Not even Facebook can find her. I've wondered what became of her life. Was she emotionally scarred? Had she somehow been able to overcome the shame we placed on her? I want to apologize to her for my participation in such a cruel action. I would ask for her forgiveness. I have asked God to forgive me.

Even in the act of cruelty, I knew it was wrong. I tried to raise my kids to be mindful of others needs, to do simple acts of kindness and civility. Sometimes a simple smile can warm a heart, fill a void, and reassure a lonely dejected person that he is valued.

I pledge my best effort to show more compassion, more understanding, more tolerance, more love to those I encounter each day. I pray Father will bless me to see ALL his children through his eyes, seeing the inherent value each has as one of his sons or daughters. I can't change the world, but I can change me, and I will.

FOLLOW UP:

This post turned out to be an interesting progression of thought for me. I started with the intent to express my sadness about recent suicides and my inability to comprehend what would motivate the "bullies" to commit such atrocities on other human beings. At the end of the fourth sentence, I had one of those rare moments of clarity. I realized I did, at least at some level, comprehend what might lead one to act in such damaging and irresponsible ways. Hence, the nature of the post changed from criticism of others to deep introspection.

I posted the same thoughts on a discussion forum to which I belong. Someone in the group, I'll call him "Robert," responded as follows:

"Steve,
Cammie was me!! This is how I was bullied and taunted and teased... :( However I didn't have cooties...but I was a faggot and queer.
Robert"

His response evoked in me an unexpected response, one for which I am grateful. It became a healing experience for me to express my thoughts below:

"Oh Robert, I apologize for all the Steves who so thoughtlessly betrayed our sacred trust to love our Cammies and Roberts as ourselves. I ask for your forgiveness.

I excuse not myself for my actions, but ask you to please show me and the other Steves the compassion we withheld from you. We were young, stupid, self centered, and ignorant to the depth of the damage we were causing your tender little boy heart. We, like you, were insecure, and in a twisted way, found acceptance among our peers at your expense. By singling out you, we deflected attention to our own inadequacies, ugliness, and weaknesses. Although very personal to you, our behavior truly spoke more about us and our lack of character than any falsely perceived imperfection in you.

I cannot undo the damage done. Only the Savior can do that now. He is the Healer for both of us. I promise to do all in my power now to not only cause no more harm, but to also search out the Roberts, the Cammies, the ones in need, the ones suffering, and the ones alone, offering them all the compassion, friendship, and acceptance I am capable of giving.

I love you Robert. I respect the man you have become. I am honored to be accepted by you and to be considered worthy enough to be counted as your friend."

When I wrote the following in my original post, I meant it. They are not hollow words. "I pledge my best effort to show more compassion, more understanding, more tolerance, more love to those I encounter each day. I pray Father will bless me to see ALL his children through his eyes, seeing the inherent value each has as one of his sons or daughters. I can't change the world, but I can change me, and I will."

Today, between conference sessions, I "walked the talk." I acted. It was an amazing experience which, I'm sure, benefited me more than the recipient of my attention. The natural man in me begs to give you details, hoping for praise. The emerging spiritual man in me gently reminds me that Father already knows, and He is the only one whose affirmation I need. I'm grateful for unexpected lesson learned through the writing of this post.

My Journey Into Manhood Experience

2010-09-26T00:38:00.002-06:00

What the Hell had I gotten myself into? Anxiety and genuine fear filled my body as we approached the entrance to the retreat. It must have been apparent to the others in the car that I was nearly hyperventilating because someone asked, "Steve, would it help if we pulled over and prayed?"

I was one of the first to enter the lodge, and from my vantage point could watch each man walk up the trail to the door. I wondered what had motivated each to make the sacrifices necessary to attend, what burden they bore, what the story was behind their tentative eyes, and what, if anything would I take away from the experience.

Just two years ago I had never even heard of Journey Into Manhood (JIM.) When I did hear of it, I quickly became an open critic. I neither had the desire to "change," nor thought it possible. Some of my friends attended and told me how great it was, and I became skeptical. I joked that if they rolled out "Journey Into Geriatrics," I'd be all over it, but if I wasn't a man yet, I never would be. Then more friends attended, friends I loved and trusted. They didn't pressure me, they simply told of the impact it had on them personally. These weren't "white knucklers." They were well adjusted, successful, and sincere.

I decided I wanted to go for two reasons. I wanted to understand their "language." They shared words and common experiences that were intriguing to me. I was also open to new ideas on how to more effectively deal with the range of emotions I felt as a gay man living in a heterosexual world.

I'm a firm believer that you usually get out of an experience what you expect you will, and that if you are close minded, your ability to profit quickly diminishes. In that light, I decided to be open minded, to learn as much as I could, and to attempt to enjoy the experience. I knew over half of the staff and trusted they wouldn't do anything crazy, or put me in a circumstance that would be harmful.

It didn't take long for my nerves to settle down. It was an incredibly well planned and carefully orchestrated weekend. Each new idea presented left me wanting. I would either say to myself, "Okay, I get that, now what do I do with that information" or "Okay, but now I need _____." The next process or idea filled my need. It all seemed so intuitive to me.

After principles were taught, we had opportunities to utilize them in meaningful ways. One thing that really impressed me was the respect shown to everyone. The staff were mindful of participants' boundaries and asked permission before ever doing anything that might make one feel uncomfortable. I never felt judged, embarrassed, or shameful for admitting my weaknesses and mistakes. I felt safe.

I really didn't realize how much I needed to be there, how much I could learn that I now implement on a daily basis in my life. I left a lot of shame on the mountain, and returned with a new confidence that I was indeed a good man with attributes befitting someone worthy of acceptance and even at times sincere admiration. I learned how discover my core needs and how to address them in healthy ways.

The experience was about change - not change from gay to straight, but change in how I view myself as a man, change about how I react to challenges I face, and change in how I interact with others.

Gratitude and optimism had replaced my anxiety. When we parted Sunday afternoon, the strangers I had watched from the lodge window two days before were now my brothers who had shared with me an experience that I can only explain as sacred.

ADDENDUM:

I posted the following on a facebook page about my JIM experience that might explain better the "change" I experienced.

"Having just attended the Journey into Manhood (JIM) healing weekend last month, I hope those who haven't attended will
HEAR my opinion of the purpose and efficacy of the experience for ME.

A few years ago, I too was critical of the idea that a weekend retreat could "change" anyone. I viewed the purpose as changing one from gay to straight. If one hears especially David and Jeff describe "change" in the video, they will realize that "change" means different things to different people. The weekend pressures no one to, or even implies that one should, "change" one's sexual orientation. The program is so amazingly designed that participants can determine what "change" they want in their lives, and find helpful, relevant, effective ways to accomplish their personal visions of "change."

I am attracted to members of my sex. In the past, it became a shameful, debilitating influence in my life. Through applying the teachings of the gospel of Christ, the love of an amazing wife, and therapeutic resources such as JIM, I no longer feel shame for my attractions, and am better equipped to live my life as I desire. I am still attracted to men, and will likely always be so, but I choose not to act sexually on my attractions.

The "change" that occurred in me as a result of my JIM experience was a change of heart toward myself. I understand and accept myself as a worthy and strong man, husband, father, and son of God. I forgive myself for my shortcomings. I understand my core needs, and how to address them in healthy ways. I understand how to identify potential external influences that may trigger unwanted feelings and emotions within me. I could go on and on. I found peace.

I am so grateful for David and Rich and their families for their efforts to create and maintain such an amazing experience. It truly has "changed" my life."

Willing to Give Away All My Sins

2010-08-22T00:05:00.005-06:00

I have a confession to make. Please don't judge me too harshly. I have been carrying around a mind altering substance and a thumb drive with some pornography for many, many months. I purchased the substance thinking that I might 'need' it sometime, but haven't used it. It was there 'just in case.' The porn was collected some time ago. Every once in a while, I would remember that I had them and think, "I should really get rid of that stuff," but for some reason, I would hold on to them.

Earlier in life, when reading about King Lamoni's father's conversion, where he tells the Lord that he would be willing to give away all his sins to know Him, I would say to myself, "Well of course he would. Who wouldn't?" I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't be willing to give away all his sins. Well, now I know why. I became comfortable and quite enjoyed some of my sins. They were indulgences, that while spiritually lethal, brought some temporary escape and relief from my problems.

Last week, i realized that i still had the substance and the thumb drive. Finally, I was sufficiently humble and sincere enough in my desire to follow the Savior that I deleted the porn and threw away the substance. I wonder why it took me so long. Why wasn't I, like King Lamoni, willing to give away all my sins to know God? The answer is because I wasn't spiritually fit. I wasn't fully committed or truly converted. It took me a long time, through prayer, gospel study, church and temple attendance, and service to reach a point that my spirit was stronger than my physical desires.

Through the cleansing power of the atonement, I don't feel shame for waiting so long, I feel gratitude to my Savior and my Father for their love and patience with me. Am I willing now to give away all my sins? Yes I am. I pray that, as I continue to purge my life of sin and seek to follow my Savior, the Spirit will make me aware of the sins that I need to shed. I pray that I will always willingly lay them on the alter and walk away.

My Thoughts about God, Spirituality, Religion, The LDS Church, and Where I fit in as one of Father's gay sons (Part 5)

2010-07-22T00:18:00.003-06:00

Where I Fit In As One Of Father's Gay Sons

It's taken me much longer than I anticipated to complete this five part series, five months to be exact. I have been very busy, but the real real truth is that it has been much harder to assemble my thoughts than I had supposed. It has been an interesting process of self reflection for me as I have tried to understand how I really feel about each of these five very important aspects of my life and belief system. I have especially struggled with this final post. I will try to express my thoughts in a coherent way, and hope you'll be patient and forgiving of my inadequate abilities to write what I feel.

First, I do acknowledge that I am a son of an Eternal Father, that he loves and cares for me. I believe life has meaning, that we are not simply the result of eons of evolution from a lesser creature. I believe God created me in his likeness with the ability to learn, grow, and become more like him. Being a father myself, I have a small glimpse of the love and hope He holds for me.

Because God loves us, and desires to share his knowledge, wisdom and joy with us, he created a beautiful world where we have opportunity to exercise our eternal agency, as we seek to obtain his attributes and continue the eternal process of personal development that we were engaged in prior birth.

I believe that, like my Father, I am an eternal being, that I existed prior to earthly birth, and that I will continue to exist after my mortal body dies. I honestly don't know much about my premortal state, or what living eternally actually entails. I've heard theories, and have been taught of generalities, but my belief that I am eternal is of necessity based on faith, something I once mocked.

Some have said that we may have had a choice in the challenges we would face in life, that we chose what we felt would give us the most opportunity for spiritual growth. I don't know if I believe that, but it does make some sense that, because of the eternal nature of, and respect Father has for agency, we might have had some choice in the matter. It might bring comfort to some to feel that they chose to be gay because it would be an incredible challenge, the mastering of which, would imbue them with strength and attributes that they might not obtain any other way.

Whether or not in a premortal state, I chose to be gay doesn't really matter to me, nor am I overly concerned whether I was genetically predisposed to be homosexual, or whether my gay nature is a product of my environment. It is interesting to ruminate about such ideas, but it isn't necessarily productive for me. What is important for me is to determine what role I will allow homosexuality to play in my life now.

Regardless of the 'cause' of my same gender attraction, it has been/is definitely a huge part of who I am today. It has been one of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. It has taken me to the brink of suicide, humbled me, and shaped the way I view the world around me. I doubt that, regardless how 'righteous' I become, I will ever be free from its influence on me, and quite frankly, I don't want certain aspects of it to ever leave me. I like the man I am becoming, and attribute much of the goodness I may possess to my life experiences as a gay boy/man.

I believe that many of the characteristics I have acquired through my mortal gay existence will remain with me in the next life, but I do not believe that I will be eternally physically attracted to men. I believe it is condition of mortality.

So where do I fit as one of Father's gay sons? I am entitled to the same eternal blessings as any other child of God. I have the same potential, the same opportunities as anyone else. The purifying and enabling power of the atonement of the Savior is extended to me. The blessings afforded through membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints belong to me. It is not the church of the Book of Mormon, the Church of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Gordon B. Hinckley or Thomas Monson. It is not the church of married, heterosexual white males. It is the Church of Jesus Christ, and he said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest," and "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me."

Welcome Home Son!

2010-07-10T23:48:00.009-06:00

I truly missed my son these past two years, sometimes almost mourning his absence. They didn't go fast for me. When he left, I was still disfellowshipped and really uncertain if I wanted to return. I wasn't able to attend the temple with him like I had his older brother. As far as he knew, alcoholism and pornography were the reasons for my disciplinary council, but was unaware of anything else. He was worried for me and wanted to stay and help me, but knew he should go.

From the time he was little, he was different than his older brother, more serious and focused about his future, yet gregarious and fun loving. He had tons of friends, the cream of the crop. He worked hard and was mature beyond his years in many ways. I sometimes worried about him growing up in the shadows of an athletic, popular older brother, but he found his own way and gained a sustaining self confidence. When my life started unraveling, his older brother was on his mission and he felt the responsibility to hold things together. So much has changed since he left. I found my way back, out, and up.

Counting days until his return was excruciating, so we counted Fast Sundays. Everyone knows how quickly they come around! When he had one Fast Sunday remaining, I eagerly counted the days and could hardly wait to hold him in my arms again, to hear his voice, enjoy his sense of humor. The night before he came home, my excitement changed to nervousness. It was hard to explain why, but I almost made myself sick worrying about.......I'm not sure what. Maybe it was the fact that I had finally come to embrace the good aspects of my gay nature and had become quite public about it. Maybe I wondered if he could see the good changes in me or would assume the worst. Maybe I feared telling him his dad way gay, and wondered if he would accept and love me.

Yesterday, I took him to get a cell phone and had our first one on one time alone. He started asking questions about the young man living with us (a story for another day) and soon I was telling him about the dad he never really knew. It was a special, spiritual bonding time for us. He was grateful I would share such a personal side of my life with him. Now many of the gaps were filled in, and his understanding of my journey over the past few years began to make sense to him. He was gracious, loving and accepting. My heart is full of love for this fine son who sees more in me than I do. He expressed gratitude for the 'wonderful' dad he sees in me, remembering all the childhood stories I told as he fell asleep, the campouts, the rhubarb, the coaching, etc.

He is a man now, a grown son any father would be proud to claim. He is still focused and fun loving, but he also possesses a deep love of God, a conviction to follow Christ, and an understanding of life that allows him to love fully an imperfect father who desired, but failed to consistently set a worthy example for him.

I eagerly anticipate this new phase of our relationship, adult father and son, friends. Welcome home son!

What is a father anyway?

2010-06-21T02:10:00.000-06:00

A few years ago, my wife and I were asked to give the Mother's Day talks in sacrament meeting. During our preparation, we felt a strong desire to reach out to those wonderful women who have never born children. I'd like do the same for men who have never had the opportunity to be fathers.

Just as there are many women who have born children, yet never mothered, there are men who have contributed to bringing children into the world, yet have never fathered. Likewise there are many men and women who have never been parents who have truly parented children.

What is a father anyway? Without resorting to dictionaries or scriptures, I'd like to share what I believe a father to be. I believe a father is, among other things, a mentor, confidant, example, teacher, provider, booster, leader, and friend. As I look at my friends who are not yet or may never be literal fathers in this life, I see many of these great qualities. I have a friend who is a Big Brother, and blesses the life of a young man thirsty for his love and attention. I have a friend who, when passing through town, has a long memorized poem or story to share with my kids who love him. Others are great uncles who are adored by their nieces and nephews.

I believe that we are literal spiritual sons of God, and as such, have the seeds of fatherhood as an integral part of our beings, not just the ability to procreate, but the divine and eternal ability to truly father others. I challenge those who have not had children to remember that part of your divine nature enables you to be a fatherly influence to many who need and crave the love and affection you can provide. Many of us have been blessed by fatherly figures in our lives. Be that special someone in the life of another.

While we may not all have the opportunity to be a literal father in this life, we are promised that the blessing of being a father will be ours in the eternities. In the meantime, let us cultivate the divine fatherly traits we possess. By so doing, not only will our lives be enriched, but the lives of others will likewise be blessed.

In that light, happy Father's Day to you all!

My kids' father, mine, and Ours

2010-06-20T12:34:00.000-06:00

This Father's Day, I want to re-post my thoughts of last year. They still embody how if feel today.

Father's Day always brings mixed emotions for me. My dad is a wonderful man. When I grow up, I want to be like him. He is one of the most Christ like men I know. Although he didn't verbally or physically express his love when I was younger, I knew he loved me. He taught me how to work, and although we never had much materially, he was a good provider and example. He is humble, and as he has aged, finds expressing his feelings easier to do. He is constant. Through the good times and bad, he has always remained faithful and firm. He is meek. He has always felt a bit inferior to his peers who served missions, although he and mom have been on four now. My dad can do anything. He is handy and resourceful. He is my hero, and I love him.

My kids' dad is another story. He had the best of intentions, wanted to be the perfect dad, but wasn't/isn't. He took as much good as he could from his father's example, but found that he couldn't quite measure up in terms of constancy. His faith has wavered, he has stumbled and fallen. While he did a lot of things right, such as always showing love and affection, spending time, coaching, camping, and being heavily involved in their lives, he has not always been the beacon of strength he wishes to be. He trod a crooked path of alternating spiritual strength and leadership, personal failures, disfellowshipment, alcoholism, and attempted recovery.

I heard the words of praise and appreciation from them today, yet wonder what legacy I am really leaving. I am not concerned as much about what my legacy means to me, but how it will ultimately affect their lives. Will my personal weaknesses and poor example lead them to justify sin and short comings in their lives? Will they see my sorrow for sin and repentance and determine to live a better life, to be a better example to their families? The jury is out.

I have absolutely loved being a father. I can think of no greater joy than fatherhood. I have loved every stage of their lives, from diapers to dating to deep discussions as adults. My life has been blessed because of them. I truly believe that God sent me good kids because he knew I would have enough problems of my own that I didn't need and probably couldn't handle difficult children.

Today also makes me reflect on the Father of us all. Even as I doubted his existence, profaned his name, and despised his church, he never abandoned me. It is as if he eagerly stood by waiting to bless me at every opportunity, whether I deserved it or not. The moment I ever so slightly opened my heart to him, he filled it with his unconditional love. He wrapped his loving arms around his wayward son, and has never let go. I love Him. I want to live with him again. I want to show him, by the way I live the remainder of my life, that I am grateful for his love, for the good life he has given me, for the wonderful companion and family with which he has blessed me.

I am determined to be a better father, and am grateful for my father and ours.

As Long As There Is Light

2010-05-29T18:06:00.002-06:00

Sunlight, moonlight, flashlight, any light will do. Growing up on a farm, I remember my dad saying that he never really liked daylight savings time. He already had to get up early and milk the cows and change the irrigation water. Longer days only meant working longer. A few days ago after work, I rented a stump grinder and was helping my dad grind out three large stumps in his yard. We finished as the sun was starting to set. Looking over at his neighbor's yard and seeing his three stumps, it was automatic to go to work on them. We weren't finished with the third and it began to get quite dark. Dad went for a flashlight. We finished the stump and felt the exhausted satisfaction of having completed a tough job and a bit of service.

While operating the machine, I thought about light and its role in my life. In the scriptures, light is often acquainted with truth. The Savior is the ultimate Light. On a more gritty day to day application, how does light affect my life?

As a teen, I remember Paul H. Dunn, a general authority of the LDS Church, telling a packed gym of youth that he could look us in the eyes and know if we were 'worthy,' - what kind of life we were living. Our stake president and neighboring farmer invited a group of us neighborhood kids up to his house to share a dessert with Elder Dunn after the fireside. I was terrified to go, fearing he would look into my eyes! I remember trying to avoid eye contact! I think avoidance of eye contact was the real 'discernment' they used.

Although I'm not convinced they could see my soul by looking into my eyes, I think there may be some truth to their claim. The truth to me is this, and I'm sure you've all witnessed it, some people radiate light, and it is most often manifest in their eyes. I have seen this light in many, many people of all religions, colors, nationalities, income levels, and ages.

I have seen that light in some of the most unexpected places and from some who the ultra righteous would shun. I remember seeing it in the eyes of an old lady who runs a bar in town. Although she wasn't a church goer, she was a good person who genuinely cared about others, and it showed.

I've also seen darkness in the eyes of some whom most would expect should be radiating light. When deciding who I want to include in my inner circle of friends, it is often based not only on compatibility, but also the light I see in them. If you're my friend, I have felt goodness (light) emanate from you.

Hopefully, if you look into my eyes, you will see light. It hasn't always been there, but I'm working on it by trying to live a life of integrity, serving and offering unconditional love to others. Often I fall short, but I appreciate and recognize it in many of you.

Thanks for outing me Mom!

2010-05-10T11:11:00.000-06:00

I've told my younger gay brother and older sister about me, but not my older brother and younger sister. I've been waiting for the right moment. I don't believe in standing on a street corner and shouting my sexuality from a soap box. My younger sister and I have always been close, so I figured I would tell her next time I saw her, which is usually when she comes to visit my parents each summer. Her husband didn't handle my younger brother's announcement too well, but I think he has softened over the years.

My older brother is a different story. He is only a year older than I am and while we worked closely on the farm growing up, we were never close. We are closer now than we were as kids, but we don't do as much together as I would like. I have been nervous telling him because he is a cop and early in his career, he was assigned to bust gays in the parks. I know he has strong feelings about homosexuals, and I've been waiting to tell him when I felt the time was right.

I am helping to put together a 60 stake fireside in June in Idaho Falls, and will be part of a panel discussion, so I figured I had better let my brother know before he found out from someone else. I called him the morning and met him at the police station to have 'the talk' with him. I started, "There is something I need to tell you that I've been scared to bring up." He said, "Well, I think Mom spilled the beans last night to me and James (my nephew)" Arrrgh!

We had a good talk, and while he doesn't understand how someone could have these feelings, he was pretty cool about it. His son said, "I respect uncle Bravone a lot." Awkward. My brother just called me and said he forgot to ask me what he could do to help. I said, "Nothing, just treat me normal."

Things will be fine. I'm just a bit frustrated. I wonder who else she has told?

Unexpected Blessing

2010-05-01T10:30:00.000-06:00

The past year has been brutal on my business, and it has taken a huge toll on our financial well-being. I am a commercial real estate agent, and am pretty good at it. Two years ago, I was blessed to be the second to the top producer in the country for a market of the size in which I live. We have prayed for relief from our financial pressures to no avail. In fact, it is getting worse. Not only are the sales way off, but I am having trouble collecting on the sales previously made.

The unexpected blessing, however, is the ability that the Lord has given me to endure these trials. In the past, it would have required much less to trigger the 'need' to turn to alcohol or pornography for numbing relief. Now, however, I have been relatively free from the temptations to turn to these vices. I am finding peace where the Lord wants me to, in my family, in hope, faith, and in keeping his commandments. I feel so blessed. Father has not yet chosen to remove the burden from my back, but he has given me increased strength and patience to endure it patiently.

I know that I am to learn lessons from this experience that I couldn't if it were removed from me. The same is true of my same gender attraction. I have learned so much from these challenges that have strengthened my resolve and softened my heart.

I am grateful that He who is in charge is guiding my life. I trust Him.

My Thoughts about God, Spirituality, Religion, The LDS Church, and Where I fit in as one of Father's gay sons (Part 4)

2010-04-26T19:53:00.002-06:00

The LDS Church
This will probably be the most difficult of the series. The LDS Church. Where do I begin? I grew up in the Church and once loved it. Later in life, I came to hate the Church and wanted nothing to do with it. Now, my relationship with the Church is complex and complicated. I think to explain my feelings about the Church, I'll have to divide my thoughts into two parts, the Culture, and the Organization.

Culture:

I was born into an active LDS family in the 60's. The Church's involvement in our lives was much, much different then than it is now. If you think it is pervasive in every aspect of our lives now, you were likely born post 1985. Back then, it was our lives. When I was a kid, Primary was on Tuesdays. We would walk the 4 or 5 blocks from elementary school to the church. We were always starving, and would often sneak into the sacrament preparation closet in the chapel and eat slices of bread the janitor had purchased for Sunday services. Mutual was Tuesday nights. Relief Society was Wednesday during the day for stay at home moms and Wednesday night for working moms. Sunday morning started with Priesthood Meeting at 8:00 am, followed by Jr. and Sr. Sunday School,where the sacrament was passed. Sacrament Meeting was in the late afternoons from 4 to 6.

We held bazaars to raise money for the ward budget, had ward parties regularly, church wide basketball tournaments with the finals played in SLC, dance festivals, carnivals, traveling road shows, ward farms, etc. in addition to the activities we still do such as scouting, father & sons outings, etc. The Church owned and operated hotels, stores, hospitals, schools, and provided the social backbone of many communities. Part of this was left over from the early pioneer days when the Church, of necessity, provided services for the members sent out to establish new settlements across the west. The Church took care of its own, and set a pattern for the future.

The Church also proudly taught of the strength, determination, and persecution of our ancestors. To the early saints, the Church, of necessity at times, and by choice other times, became somewhat of a closed, self sufficient society. The persecution the saints endured was often unwarranted. Sometimes, however, I can see how the neighbors of early saints could become disaffected with and sometimes fearful of some over zealous members who claimed to have the one and only true church and possessed a "holier than thou" attitude. Imagine if a large group of an upstart religion that had extreme beliefs moved into your neighborhood. I am not being an apologist for the persecutors of the saints, but I can see how things might have begun and then spiraled out of control.

The resulting persecution/superiority mentality still thrives in the Church today. It manifests itself in current Church culture today in some subtle and not so subtle ways. I remember feeling superior to 'non members' because I possessed the truth, and due to my pre-mortal worthiness, I was preserved to be born in these latter days to help prepare the world for the second coming of the Savior. When these ideas are pounded into to you throughout your formative years, is it any wonder that some members become intolerant and unaccepting of others who differ in belief or action?

For those who fit the mold of an "ideal Mormon," the culture of the Church can feel like a warm blanket, comfortable and soothing. For those who don't fit the mold, that same blanket can become suffocating, itchy and uncomfortable.

Parts of the Church culture I embrace and appreciate. Other parts I despise, and hope to do my part to gradually change.

Organization:

The Church is an amazing organization. Not matter how one feels about the Church, there is no denying that it is an incredibly well oiled machine. It amazes me that you can travel around the world and hear the same Sunday School lesson being taught in Salt Lake. While the organization has its flaws, it is incredibly efficient for its size and for the various cultures it serves. More important for me, however, is not the managerial side of the organization, but the spiritual side of the organization.

I don't think you will ever hear me say, "I know the Church is true." To me, the Church is an organization, much like the Salvation Army, the Boy Scouts, or the local PTA. They are all organizations with worthy missions to fill, but who would say the Booster Club is true?

I prefer to say the Gospel is true. That I do believe. To me, the Church is simply the mechanism I choose to use to help me more fully learn about and worship my Eternal Father and His Son. It is designed to help me implement the Gospel in my life and provides me many opportunities to serve God and my fellow man. Do I believe it is divinely inspired? Yes. Do I believe it is perfect? No, at least not as it carried out by humans like me. As I understand it, it won't even exist in the afterlife. It is an earthly entity structured to spread the gospel, with its saving ordinances, throughout the world.

While it may be Christ's Church, it is maintained by earthly men with faults, weaknesses, and agendas of their own. It is slow to adopt change, even when I believe Christ would have it otherwise. By saying that, I don't pretend to be superior than the leaders of the Church. I believe that God honors agency so much that He allows Church leaders to struggle with difficult decisions, make mistakes, and grow and change as they become more enlightened by seeking His will.

Some discredit the Church saying that its doctrine has changed over time. Others defend it, denying that doctrine has changed. Doctrine has changed. I have seen it in my lifetime. The temple ceremony has changed a couple of times since I began attending nearly 30 years ago. What hasn't changed are the principles of the Gospel. They are simple, true and everlasting.

In summary, I love and hate the Church. I love the truths of the Gospel as taught by the Church. I love the opportunity it gives me to grow and draw nearer to my Savior through service and by instruction from inspired leaders. What I don't like are parts of the culture that some use to justify intolerance and perpetuate feelings of superiority in its members. I hope the negative aspects of the culture will change with time. I see it beginning to happen slowly, too slowly.

I choose to stay within the Church and try to effect change from within. In future posts, I will detail some ways I am trying to actively bring about the change I feel needs to take place in order for the Church to become the warm, welcoming blanket to ALL of God's children who earnestly seek to follow Him.

Spring Break

2010-03-23T19:26:00.000-06:00

It's time for a break again. I'll have to finish the series later. See you soon. Safe journey!

My Thoughts about God, Spirituality, Religion, The LDS Church, and Where I fit in as one of Father's gay sons (Part 3)

2010-03-13T17:20:00.002-07:00

RELIGION
The very word religion evokes such emotion in me that I have procrastinated writing this post. Before continuing, I need to define what I mean by religion. One use of the word I liken to spirituality, and it warms my heart. "Give me some of that old time religion" for example makes me feel good.

The religion I want to address is organized religion. From Wikipedia, "Religion is often described as a communal system for the coherence of belief focusing on a system of thought, unseen being, person, or object, that is considered to be supernatural, sacred, divine, or of the highest truth. Moral codes, practices, values, institutions, tradition, rituals, and scriptures are often traditionally associated with the core belief.."

My feelings about religions are similar in some regards to governments. They both have incredible power and potential to accomplish both good and evil. Unchecked, both seem to have insatiable appetites to have control and power over people.

If one were to rate the role of religion over recorded history, I think it would receive a failing grade, maybe a D- at best. Wars and horrible atrocities have all been done in the name of religion. In my opinion, one need not be religious to be spiritual. In fact, sometimes religion can dampen true spirituality. For example, when rituals, practices, and symbolism become the focal point in religion, they can detract from the very purpose for which they were intended.

Religion can also foster hatred, homophobia, bigotry, self-righteousness, discrimination, and a host of mankind's baser morals and values.

In Doctrine and Covenants 121:39 it states, "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion."

Much like government, however, religion can also be a force for good if, and only to the extent that, the people behind the religion exercise good moral character and possess the ability and desire of self restraint.

A few litmus tests of a good religion could include:
Does participating in this religion draw me nearer to God?
Does it encourage and help me to more effectively serve my fellowman?
Does it encourage peace, understanding, tolerance and love toward others?
Does it help me to be the best son, husband, father, and friend possible?
Does it expand my mind and cause me to seek greater knowledge of spiritual things?
Through following this religion, do I feel happiness and peace?

If a religion does not positively address these issues, it will likely cause more harm than good.

My Thoughts about God, Spirituality, Religion, The LDS Church, and Where I fit in as one of Father's gay sons (Part 2)

2010-02-27T14:55:00.001-07:00

SPIRITUALITY
I believe that as eternal sons and daughters of a living God, we have a spiritual core. I believe that our souls are comprised of our eternal spirits and our earthly bodies. One of the reasons for leaving our Eternal Parent's home to come to earth was to gain a physical body, and then spend the rest of our lives trying to overcome it. What I mean by overcoming is the process of submitting our bodies to the will of our spirits - self control, discipline.

I believe that, no matter what religious belief or lack thereof one professes, he still possesses a spirit that needs to be nourished just as much as his physical body needs nourishment. For years I tried to deny this. I refused to believe it, but I can no longer refute that I have a spiritual nature that is divine. Through our actions, we can allow our bodies to gradually gain control of our spirits and diminish the divine within, but I don't believe it ever goes away.

Spirituality exists outside of, and is separate from, religion. I'll discuss the role of religion in my next post. How each of us accesses the spirit within is an individual, personal, and sacred experience. Some may head to a synagogue, to the top of a mountain, to a solitude ride on a crotch rocket speeding down I-15 :), or to the side of the bed on bended knee. One need not be religious to be spiritual. True spirituality is sincere, unpretentious, and needs no outward approval or accolade.

Some religious leaders profess the ability to look into your eye, and see your spirit and any sins you have committed. While I don't believe all who proclaim this ability are sincere, I do believe that most of us can look into someones eyes, and learn much from the light or lack thereof reflected from within. Some evidences of mature spirituality in people are: peace with self and others, calmness and faith in the face of difficulty, happiness with one's lot in life, desire and ability to look outside of one's own problems to help, serve, and lift others.

I believe that in order for us to truly be happy, our lives must be in balance spiritually, physically, emotionally, and socially. Spirituality brings perspective, helps us to see clearly, helps us to find peace in the midst of turmoil and confusion.

Whatever method you use to access and nourish the spirit within, do it!

Matis Family

2010-02-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

My heart and prayers goes out to the Matis family today. They have opened their hearts and home to so many of us, and continue to turn their personal tragedy into a force for good in the world. God bless them and comfort them.

My Thoughts about God, Spirituality, Religion, The LDS Church, and Where I fit in as one of Father's gay sons (Part 1)

2010-02-21T22:13:00.009-07:00

I was sitting in the temple yesterday and had an impression about a blog post I should write. I thought I could do one post and cover all my thoughts, but realize that it would be too long and complicated. So I am breaking it into five parts.

Part 1: My thoughts about God.
Part 2: My thoughts about Spirituality
Part 3: My thoughts about Religion
Part 4: My thoughts about the LDS Church
Part 5: How I fit in as one of Father's gay sons

I was raised in a typical Mormon family in Eastern Idaho during the 60's and 70's on a small farm just north of town. Other than my early sexual experimentation with my cousin, my growing up years could have been scripted from the Family Home Evening manual of the Church. I was baptized by my father at 8, received the Aaronic Priesthood at 12, and left for my mission to Italy at 19. When I returned, I taught 2 1/2 years at the MTC, married, and began our family of four children.

Life was pretty smooth and normal by most accounts. I was closeted to everyone, including myself. We moved to Western Idaho and served in many capacities including Bishop. Again, we fit the 'perfect' model LDS family until..... The Fall.

A year after The Fall, we moved back to Eastern Idaho and I continued falling. Although I stilled denied being gay, I began to return to addictions of the past and totally lost my faith. I no longer believed in God or anything religious. I despised religion and especially the Mormon church. You can read about my Fall here, and here, and the road home here.

Having lost my faith, when I decided to remain with my family, whom I loved and felt would bring me the most happiness, I had to start from scratch when it came to a spiritual belief system. It was an incredibly humbling experience for me. I felt like a lost little child. I knelt in prayer and began, "God, if you exist, please let me know." My prayers were simple and to the point. I needed to know if what I had believed most of my life was true, but I wasn't holding my breath. It took time and patience because I had learned to not trust 'feelings' as a reliable witness of truth. Intellectually, Deity didn't make sense to me.

I had to want to want to desire to desire to know that He was real. As I began to open my heart and mind to the possibility that there was actually a God, my heart was filled with a familiar peace that I had not felt for years.

I know that God lives. I am one of His sons. I am created in His image. I have divine parentage and divine potential. I no longer doubted His existence, but had a lot of anger towards Him and many questions. I now know that He loves us, is interested in, and involved in our daily lives, but allows us to grow through the use of our agency as we face decisions and trials in our lives. He loves us enough to let us wander, stumble, fall and find our own way because He knows that these experiences bring understanding, strengthen and purify us.

My prayers changed from 'Do you exist?' to 'Please help me find truth, wherever it is.'

That Damn Pink Shirt

2010-02-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

I knew it would be my downfall. I avoided it at all cost, yet in the end, it got the best of me. When serving my mission in Italy, I was told that Italians were several years ahead of the U.S. in fashion. I thought, "Oh no, these guys are wearing pink shirts and paisley ties. I'll will never wear a pink shirt and paisley tie!"

A few years after I married, my sister-in-law gave me a pink shirt and matching paisley tie for Christmas. (hmm, wonder if she was on to me?) I hated the duo and refused to wear them, but alas, the old saying came true. That which I first abhorred, I later endured and finally embraced. Now I own three pink shirts of my own choosing, although one is still a bit too pink for most occasions. I was lured into buying it by a cute gay salesman at Nordstrom. I think it would have looked better on him.

I just realized that as I am writing this, I am wearing my favorite pink shirt, and I still feel like a man!

I Told My Big Sister

2010-02-06T21:14:00.002-07:00

When I woke up today, I had no plans of disclosing my sexuality to anyone, but ended up confiding in my older sister that another of her brothers is homosexual. Of course Jean has known for years about Donny, but had no idea that I lived closeted for over 40 years. After Donny, I knew she would be next. She is the oldest in our family, three years older than me. She has a huge heart, and is a wonderful wife and mother. She married into a wealthy farm family that quickly lost its wealth. She and her husband have struggled for years to eek out a living farming and ranching. She went back to school in her late 30s and got her teaching degree while raising 5 great kids. They have had a lot of heartache as their first three went through very difficult times in high school and fell away from the Church. Gradually they have all navigated their way into adulthood and are truly good kids, a real tribute to their parents who never gave up, and unconditionally loved them.

It was kind of random how it took place today. She was at our home for the baby shower of her daughter-in-law. I spent the day sweeping out the garage and shoveling snow off my dad's roof. On one trip from his house to mine to get an additional shovel, I met her in the garage as she stepped out for a breath of fresh air. I walked up to her, gave her a hug, told her I loved her, and blurted out, "You have two gay brothers, and I'm the other one, or at least that's the term many use." I explained what being gay meant to me and how I have dealt with this since my early childhood. After getting over her initial shock, she started to cry, and said, "My heart hurts for you, that you have had to live with this in silence so long." She hugged me again. Oh how I love her.

I think I have been misunderestimated!

2010-02-03T02:01:00.000-07:00

I received a few comments after my last post that are probably worth addressing. The comments were: "I'm confused about the comment on not wanting to change one's orientation? I'm not trying to argue I'm just confused what is meant by the comment." and "I don't get it either. What part of your "nature" would you be suppressing by attempting to change your orientation? I'm confused. It sounds like you are saying you want to embrace the gay lifestyle in every way accept having sex."

My response to the first was "My personal desire is not to change my orientation, but to embrace the positive attributes it brings me, and find worthy ways of filling my need for healthy male friendships.

I think I will always be attracted to men, but that doesn't mean I have to sexually act upon those feelings. I can still be a worthy and happy husband and father without suppressing part of my nature.

The change I needed to make in my life was to become a true disciple of Christ. Through the purifying and enabling power of the atonement the carnal aspects of my homosexuality are greatly diminished."

This response prompted the second comment above, to which I answered, "Whoa! I must be a bad communicator. If you knew me, you would know that I in no way 'embrace the gay lifestyle' as the world defines it. Let me try again. I am married and have, for the most part, lived a 'straight' life most of my adult life. However, all my life, I have been attracted to men. I have felt tremendous shame for the lustful feelings I carried for many years and the early childhood sexual experiences I had. I felt evil and thought that the attractions I felt were remnants of an evil childhood. Even after repenting, I felt shame because I categorized my attractions as sin. The Church now teaches that the attractions are not sinful, but sexually acting on those attractions is sin.

Learning to live righteously as a man who is attracted to men has been the most humbling experience of my life. It has taught me many things that are now part of my 'nature.' I have learned patience, humility, compassion for others. I have worked diligently to be a father who expresses physically and verbally my love for my children. I have been involved in nearly every aspect of their lives. We are close, they know I love them. They are confident coming to me with their problems. These are some things I lacked in my own childhood. These things I learned because of my struggles to overcome my homosexual desires. I learned that, alone, I am incapable of resisting my 'natural man.' It is only with the help of my Savior that I can, with my weaknesses, become strong. I learned that sorrow, not shame leads us to repent and draw near to the Savior. These experiences have softened my heart.

These things have become part of my 'nature.' I don't know that I would have learned these lessons any other way. I also recognize that in spite of how hard I try to live worthily or pray it away, I am still attracted to men. I don't feel the need to 'suppress' these attractions. I can see a good looking man, and with out shame, appreciate his beauty and move on. The moving on part is key. I don't linger and lust. I appreciate and move on. If I tried to suppress or force these feelings into the 'closet' of my soul out of shame or because I felt that they made me less of a man for feeling them, it would do me irreparable harm. Accepting that these attractions are not sinful, allows me to move beyond them without sexualizing them.

I am not convinced that our goal needs to be 'changing our orientation.' I'm not even sure that it is entirely possible for most people. What we can change is the role it plays in our lives. I believe that as we draw near to the Savior, the changes that need to take place will take place. It may not mean that all of a sudden we are attracted to the opposite sex. It may mean, however, that we are now able to better bear our burden, that it becomes lighter for us to carry. We may never in this life find a companion and have a family, but we can live lives worthy of every blessing the Lord has in store for his most faithful saints.

I am weak in expressing my thoughts. Hopefully you will understand what I am trying to convey. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify my thoughts."

For me, happiness has come by living a chaste life, true to the covenants I made in the temple with God and my wife. I believe this is what Father would have me do.

NOW, some of you may have seen me expressing my happiness on someone's blog or on Facebook for some who have found love in a same sex relationship, and may wonder if I am a hypocrite, or are trying to appease everyone, or who knows what. Let me try to explain as simply as I can how I can say what I have above and still be happy for, and non condescending to, those who choose to live differently than I do.

First, because I am gay and have had same sex experiences in the past, I understand the emotional and physical satisfaction of such a relationship. Second, I simply don't know God's mind and will for his homosexual children. The current teachings of the Church are clear that gay sex is sin. However, the Church is not clear on, and in recent months, leaders have sent conflicting messages about, the 'cause' or eternal nature of homosexuality. These facts lead me to believe that, in a coming day, further information will be revealed on the matter. Even if the further revelation affirms that gay sex is a sin, so are many other things that we all experience. Even the 'straightest' follower of Christ sins. As I understand it, God cannot look upon any sin with the least degree of allowance. Thus we all are subject to the mercy of Christ for our salvation. Third, God so valued agency that He granted it to us knowing that many would use it to reject Him. If God, who is perfect, allows us agency to choose how we live our lives, who am I to 'force' my will upon others. Fourth, I believe that God is eager to bless us anytime we do good. A same sex couple whose partners are faithful to the commitments they have made to each other, and who live honorable lives will certainly be blessed. Fifth, God is the only one capable of judging us. Only He truly knows our capabilities and 'the full measure of our own personal creation.' Sixth, my desire and responsibility is not to judge, but to show, what I believe to be, Christlike love toward my fellowmen.

Feel free to find fault with my beliefs, but they are mine.

Trying to make a difference...

2010-02-01T02:04:00.002-07:00

As I read through many posts of gay Mormon bloggers, I sense a general feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I understand the feeling all too well. I have been there myself. One common theme to most is a feeling that there is no place in the Church for gay members. It breaks my heart that so many feel this way, and yet I understand why they do. I think the Church can, should, and hopefully will make strides to make us feel valued and wanted.

I have wondered what I, just one person, could do to help be part of the solution. I don't think organized marches or protests will accomplish much. Minds need to be opened and educated. Hearts need to be softened. I decided I would meet with my Stake President and try to solicit his help. Before meeting with him, I prayed a lot and asked a few friends for advice on what to say and how to approach the issue. Thank you for your encouragement Robert, Preston, and others. Below is a brief summary of our time together.

My stake president and I are friends, and know each other well, so I'm sure that factored into the tone of the meeting. I wish all could have a similar experience meeting with their SP. Mine was my priest quorum adviser, we were bishops at the same time, I was his exec. sec., his youngest son and my oldest were best friends etc. He was also the SP when I was disfellowshipped and reinstated. I asked him how much time we had so I made sure I didn't mess up his schedule. He said he left at least an hour so we wouldn't be rushed. We began with prayer.

I told him that I wanted to let him know where I was spiritually, make him aware of some of the things I am involved with, and see if he might be able to help me and other members of the stake with a few things. He told me that he loved me and had been wanting to talk with me, but didn't want to step where he shouldn't or where perhaps where I didn't want him to. He express gratitude that I would come and speak with him.

I first reminded him of the internal turmoil I had been feeling about the Church, and how recently I had found the peace I had sought. I told him of the blessing Jeff, Ty and Tyler had given me and how my faith in Christ's Church had returned. I then told him about the Evergreen 'sanctioned' group that Kevin had started, and what a blessing it had been in my life. He asked if LDS social services was supportive of the group. I told him that initially they weren't letting people know about the group, but that they were more cooperative now. He was very interested to know about the group and what we were trying to accomplish. BTW, he was previously a SP at BYUI and had worked with over 20 young men and about 15 young women who had SSA.

I talked to him about Evergreen and asked him if he knew of the resources available. He was well aware of the group, and said someone from Evergreen had spoken to the stake presidents at BYUI and left him some material, but he didn't have the email address or have current information. He wrote down the link and promised to explore it in more detail. I told him about the 5 or 6 things Evergreen has determined essential in the healing process such as: support networks, friends, spiritual leaders who listen and love, not trying to fix the individual, cognitive behavior and emotional therapy, and involvement in group sporting activities. He agreed with them all.

Then, I told him about North Star and my role as a moderator and member of the steering committee. He was very interested and wrote down the website and will look into it more. I told him about North Star's mission and some of the projects we were working on this year. He also wrote down Ty's name and 'In Quiet Desperation'.

We talked about the young 'family member' living in our home until he gets his feet on the ground, the support he would need from our singles branch president.

We talked about how critical it is for leaders to show unconditional love, even when someone wanders, thus helping them know that they are loved and accepted in the Church. We discussed a fifth Sunday talk by either well trained bishops or by himself addressing SSA with parents and leaders.

We then talked about Kevin's idea to start a fireside in our area with church leader support. He took down Kevin's name and said he would ask Pres Kim Clark to address all these issues in the next meeting with stake presidents in two weeks. He asked me if I would feel comfortable if he referred someone struggling with SSA to me for help and hope. I told him I would be happy to help and that I didn't care if he told them that I deal with it as well. He said he would leave that up to me.

He thanked me for meeting with him and said he felt like he was on a new level of understanding and had been educated during our time together. It was an awesome meeting. We agreed to stay in contact and work together. He again expressed his love for me. I could not have asked for a more positive meeting. He said that this type of meeting is exactly how things will begin to help make significant changes in the church and the lives of its members.

I am grateful the Lord saw fit to bless our meeting with the spirit. I would encourage more of us to seek the guidance of the Lord, and have similar meetings with our respective leaders. I feel genuine hope for the future for gay members of the Church. Things won't change overnight, but we can each make a difference within our own sphere of influence.

Here's to hope!

P.S.
My thoughts about Evergreen. I hope this post doesn't turn into an Evergreen bashing session. If you want to do that, please do it on your own blog. Personally the first time I came across Evergreen was a dozen or so years ago before I even admitted that I was gay. I was intrigued by some of the stories, but skeptical. Later, I heard war stories that turned me off the group. I think Evergreen has been misunderstood by many, and has also evolved some over the years. I have never been to an Evergreen conference, but have recently met a few board members. The only personal affiliation I have with Evergreen is belonging to a support group that meets the criteria by which Evergreen feels comfortable referring people, which is basically not to use it to hook-up.

When I spoke with my SP, I told him that Evergreen is simply a resource, a library, if you will. I do think they have information that can be useful for leaders. However, many gay members, myself included, do not feel the need to change our orientation.

I appreciate Daniel's comment below, and as a result of his thoughts, would encourage those who speak with Church leaders to explain that Evergreen is an option, but not a 'one size fits all' answer to helping gay members. Trying to convince gay members that the only way they can be happy is to become straight is not healthy.

The change that I seek and encourage is a change of heart, both in leaders and gay members. The change I personally seek is to become a better man, husband, son, father and follower of Christ.

My wish, naive, as it may be, is that all who desire to worship and follow Christ will one day feel welcome in the Church.

I Need Advice

2010-01-23T14:55:00.001-07:00

In my early posts, I talked about my early sexual experiences with my cousin Bob. The past year and a half have been very difficult, yet very healing for me as I have come to grips with my homosexuality and the role it has played and will continue to play in my life. One issue I haven't dealt with is my relationship with Bob. I'll explain a bit, and then would appreciate advice on where to go from here.

Bob and I are the same age. Our sexual explorations began innocently and so long ago that I really don't remember exactly how young we were (4-6) or how it all began. After graduation, we both went on missions, to college, married, and moved to different cities. We rarely saw each other. A few years ago, I moved back to the old farmstead and built a house where the one I was raised in once stood before it was destroyed in a fire several years ago. Moving back placed me between my folks to the south and Bob's parents to the north. Now that we are neighbors to his mom, whom I dearly love, I see him several times each year. I always feel a bit of an awkward tension between us. We have never acknowledged our past together.

We are very different individuals, and while I do like him, we probably wouldn't be close friends if we lived closer. He lives two hours away. His interests and hobbies are very different than mine. Our past and relation are about all we have in common. I don't know if our lengthy sexual relationship contributed or caused my homosexuality, or if my gay nature just facilitated it.

Sometimes I feel like I should talk with him and apologize for any damage I may have caused him. I am fairly certain that he is gay like me, and living in a gay/straight marriage. I don't want to dredge up old memories for him, or cause additional hurt or awkwardness between us. I just feel like our past is an open wound in my life, an unaddressed issue for which I need closure. I don't want to do it though at his expense. I really would rather not face him about it, but feel somewhat compelled to do so.

Should I bring it up, and if I do, how the heck do I do it?

Happy :)

2010-01-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

I am happy. I am content. I am free from gnawing doubt. I am grateful. As a follow up on the post I Know, I want to express my extreme appreciation to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with renewed faith that has brought me such peace. I still have days when depression and anxiety creep in, sometimes for no discernible reason, but the constant underlying angst and ever present internal turmoil is gone. I cannot tell you how good it feels. It is truly a miracle to me to have gone from no spiritual belief, to conflicted soul, to faith and peace.

To Love...

2010-01-10T23:50:00.003-07:00

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about love. Sounds kind of sappy doesn't it? I’ve thought about what it really means to love and what are the ramifications of extending love to someone. C.S. Lewis said, “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.” To love is to be vulnerable, to open yourself up to getting hurt. If you are not willing to risk hurt, you will never possess the ability to love.

Taking it a step further, I think Father’s greatest demonstration of His love for us is the gift of agency He gave us. Giving us agency, He risked that we would use that agency to abandon Him, to curse Him, or to love Him, follow Him, desire to return to Him. As a father, watching my children use their agency sometimes brings me incredible joy. Sometimes it brings pain. If we truly love someone, we will allow them to use God’s gift of agency as they choose and still love them, even if their choices don't match what we wish they would choose.

My hope is that you and I, choose to our agency to follow Christ, and hold close to His teachings, but you need to know that my love is not conditional upon the choices you make (unless you come after my daughter :). I will love you regardless, even if it hurts.

I Know

2010-01-04T01:47:00.001-07:00

I now know. Today was the first time in over 8 years that I have been able to say that I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's Church. It it still a bit tender and personal to talk about right now, maybe at a latter date. I am grateful to say that I not only believe in Christ and His Gospel, but also in His Church. As many of you know, this has been a major struggle for me. I have fasted, prayed, studied, been given a blessing, and more than anything, desired. I am grateful.

Addendum January 7th

My task now is to continue to build my faith, pray for greater strength and knowledge and REMEMBER the feelings I have felt.

I have intellectualized myself right out of the Church. When it comes to testimony, it truly is all about faith, and to have faith, we must desire, humble ourselves, trust, put the principles to the test, and pray for confirmation of the spirit. I used to mock this pattern, discounting the witness of the spirit with emotion.

However, I no longer deny the witness of the spirit or try to explain it away. The Lord often uses means i.e. feelings and emotions we are familiar with to witness of the truth. We can learn to discern between simple emotion and spiritual witnesses.

My Christmas Gift to You

2009-12-22T09:10:00.007-07:00

This past year has been one of the most challenging for me in many ways, and yet I have been so blessed to have been able to provide for my family and make progress toward several of my goals both spiritually and professionally. I again desire to share a gift with each of you. In reviewing my Christmas post last year, I feel to offer the same gifts again this year.

In a previous post, I mentioned a Christmas in which we made cards for our kids with the theme “Gifts We Would Give” because we were unable financially able to provide much else. For some reason, this has been on my mind for several weeks. I have thought about my blog family and my desire to share something meaningful with you to brighten your Christmas. I realize that some of the gifts I would offer are not really mine to give. Some must be earned to be appreciated; others are His alone to give. Below are my humble gifts to you. I would appreciate hearing what gifts you might give.

1) Peace of mind.

To me, peace is the truest form of happiness. I would give you peace in your heart, contentment in your life, peace amidst the turmoil and trials of life.

2) Understanding and Acceptance of self and others.

I would give you understanding of your internal and eternal soul. I would give you an understanding of Father’s will in your life, understanding of how you fit into His plan for your eternal happiness.

I would give you an understanding of others and their needs. I would then give you acceptance of self and acceptance of others, even though they may not understand or accept you.

3) Patience with self and others.

I would give you patience with yourself, patience that enables you to not become overwhelmed when you fall short of your expectations, patience with progress, no matter how slow or slight, patience to know that after every fall, there is power to rise again. I would give you patience with others in their dealings with you.

4) Tolerance.

I would give you the tolerance for others that you also seek.

5) Faith.

I would give you faith in Him, who is mighty to save, faith that your life has meaning, faith that there is a plan for your life and that you are capable of fulfilling it.

6) Friendship.

I would give you a true friend, one who possesses these gifts, one who loves you unconditionally, one who speaks candidly, one who lifts and encourages you to be your best self, one who never abandons you in you darkest hour, one who makes you smile and laugh, yet is willing to cry with you.

7) Awareness.

I would give you awareness of those around you, a sensitivity to their needs, and a willing heart to serve them according to their wants and needs.

8) Testimony.

I would give you a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which you would use as a firm foundation and a basis for decision making.

9) Inner Strength.

I would give you the strength to follow the promptings of the spirit, the strength to be true to your inner self, the strength to endure the cross that you must bear, the strength to be alone when necessary.

10 Wisdom.

I would give you wisdom and discernment to guide your choices.

11 Desire.

I would give you desire, desire to grow and improve, desire to be your best self, desire to endure, desire to take the steps to improve your situation, desire to do whatever is required to follow Him.

There are many more gifts that I would give. I pray that I might also have the gifts above. I pray that I might be able to remain true, and not give in to my lesser desires. Most of all this Christmas, I wish to express gratitude for the greatest of all gifts I have been given. I am grateful for the Babe who became my King, Savior, Redeemer, and Friend. I am grateful that He willingly paid the price for my sins. I am grateful for His gift of resurrection. I am grateful for His gospel which points me back to our Father.

Merry Christmas,

Bravone

The day my life changed forever

2009-12-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

23 years ago today, my first born son made his entry into the world and into my heart. After a grueling 28 hours of labor, my wife was rushed into a delivery room for an emergency C-section. At the first site of my baby boy's little head, my life changed forever. I don't know that it is an experience one can fully understand until you've lived it. Within seconds, my life was not my own, and I eagerly gave it away to a little one created by God, and my wife and me.

He is now a man, actually older than I was that morning. I had no idea I could love someone so deeply. I have never stopped loving him, only deepened that love and thrown in friendship and respect as he grew. Today, I thank Father and my sweet wife for allowing me the opportunity to be a father myself. Fatherhood is the greatest honor and has brought me the greatest joy of my life.

Moral Anchors

2009-12-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

As a result of my recent decision to focus on spiritual basics, and not get overwhelmed with more complex issues that create anxiety and distraction in my life, I have contemplated what core values I espouse that will (hopefully) never change, but remain constants in my life. Also inspiring this thought process are conversations had with two 'family' friends. One friend I admire deeply for holding fairly constant to core values in spite of the fact that his religious bearings are not a dominate force in his life. I on the other hand, when faced with loss of religious faith, threw moral convictions out the window. I regret that I did not have his innate moral compass - to do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do. Another close friend is sorting out his religious convictions with what he feels conflicts with his natural desires. Both paths, to him, require giving up something of significance.

These thoughts have resulted in the following 'moral anchors' in my life. These are convictions that I will adhere to, regardless of life's trials or my own religious quandaries:

Truth I will seek truth wherever I can find it. - I will incorporate this truth in my life regardless the joy or discomfort it may bring.
Integrity I will live a life of integrity. - I will not sacrifice integrity at the expense of popularity, personal gratification, or economic well-being.
Compassion I will seek to show sincere interest and concern for others needs. - I will look for ways to lighten others burdens.
Unconditional Love I will show true Christ-like love to all. - I will love others without conditioning my love upon whether or not they believe as I believe, worship how and where I worship, choose as I would choose, vote as I would vote, or live as I would live.
Self Sufficiency I will work for what I need and provide for myself and family without the expectation of government or others to assume this role.
Gratitude I will give thanks and acknowledge God's and others influence in my life.
Happiness I will seek happiness in every aspect of my life. - I will choose to be happy, finding something good, even in the face of difficulties and despair.

This list will likely grow as I spend more time contemplating on the things that truly matter and anchor my soul. I welcome your thoughts, as they might help mold my own and remind me of things I may have forgotten.

One Step at a Time

2009-12-09T12:50:00.001-07:00

Well, I've come to a decision. I will no longer allow my doubts and disagree- ments with the church or its doctrine to consume me. As of late, it has dominated every spare moment of time and gnawed away at me until I can no longer handle it. I am not walking away. I am simply slowing down. I don't need to become perfect before noon. Like many of us gay folk, I obsess about things and over analyze everything until I think I have it figured out. Enough of that when it comes to church. The gospel should bring me peace, not anxiety.

I'm not going to waste time on points of doctrine, history, or culture that I either disagree with or don't understand. I am going to take the good I can and leave the rest alone - for now. The shelf will become filled again with stuff, that at some point, I will readdress, but for now, I won't focus on them.

I firmly believe that there is a difference between the gospel and the church. I view the church as a vehicle for helping us learn and implement the gospel in our lives - that's it.

I believe that every being has a spiritual core that needs nurturing, just as our bodies need to be fed. That nurturing can come from many different sources, and may be different depending on the individual. Because I and my family are already so heavily invested in the LDS church, I choose to stay and find my nourishment here.

I had a good talk with my wife and she supports my baby stepping, understanding that it is a process that will take time. I am so grateful for her support. Without it, my plan wouldn't work. If I feel like going to the temple will cause me too much angst, I won't go. If I get frustrated in priesthood meeting, I'll leave.

I will be proactive, however. I am too organized of a person to wander without a path, so I have a new plan. I am going to study simple gospel principles by topic on a daily basis. Whatever topic interests me at the moment will be my course of study. I already feel liberated! Let's hope it lasts :)

I Felt Something

2009-12-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

Not unlike many of my friends in the 'family,' I often struggle with questions of faith. I also have addictions that linger, and suffer from anxiety and depression. I don't know the full measure that same gender attraction plays in these aspects of my life, but it undeniably does affect each. Some would say that abandoning church and family and recognizing my 'natural' and 'authentic' self would solve the problem. Sometimes it is really tempting to at least leave the church. Abandoning my family would take away some of my greatest joy. I cherish my wife and children, and cannot imagine being happy without them playing a significant daily role in my life.

Although I cannot deny that I am genuinely attracted to men physically and emotionally, I know from experience that homosexual sex, while pleasurable, does not fulfill me, neither does heterosexual sex alone. It is important and enjoyable only within the context of my holistic relationship with my wife. Could I find a man with whom I could develop a deep lasting relationship that would include physical intimacy, spirituality, and fulfill the myriad of other needs I have as a gay man, father, and son of God? I don't know. Maybe earlier in life I could have. I don't see it as a viable or even desirable option for me at this point in my life. Had I chosen that life before entering into marriage, would I have been content and happy now? I don't know. Knowing myself, and my predisposition to self destruction through following what comes natural to me, I doubt that I would have been happy or possibly even lived to tell about it.

I sometimes feel like a basket case, and just want my life to be done. Other days, I am able to see more clearly, and realize how lucky and blessed I am. I have a beautiful and loving wife, children whom I love and who love me. I have a beautiful home and an occupation I truly enjoy. And yet, I have this gnawing part of me that is ever present. I so totally lost my belief system, that I have not fully recovered the spirituality that I would like to have. I also, frankly, have mental issues. I worry and obsess about not only my quandaries, but others struggles as well. While finding other gay Mormons probably saved my life, it has also complicated it. I need and crave the association of those who understand my journey, and yet getting too close can end up hurting me.

In my attempt to establish relationships that have potential to bless my life, I, of necessity, open my heart, and make myself vulnerable to pain - pain of rejection, pain of seeing others hurt, pain of watching others make decisions that, based upon my experience, will lead to sorrow. So I sometimes retreat a bit, distancing myself from those I love and care so much about.

Having also experienced what I perceived as rejection from God and the church, I often keep a barrier between me, God and the church, not wanting to be hurt again. For so many years, I learned to shut off my feelings, to not care too deeply about anything. The road to feeling again, and trusting my feelings has been long and hard. I have a layer of cynicism that taints my spiritual perspective, and so when I feel something, I question why, and from what source the feeling comes.

Friday night, at the Matis Christmas Fireside, I felt something that felt warm, comfortable, familiar, and brought tears to my eyes. Today in Stake Conference, I felt a similar feeling several times, which is unusual for me. I don't know if I will ever feel the confidence and faith I once felt toward the church. I no longer have the confidence in myself or in the future I once felt. For now, I am left to contemplate what these feelings mean to me.

I hope to be able to sort out the complexities of my homosexuality, anxiety and depression, and live, grow, learn, and develop into the man Father wants me to be. I hope that man will be happy, and live a life of integrity worthy of my Father and family's love and respect.

Gay Traveler's Wife

2009-11-27T11:01:00.004-07:00

I don't know if any of you have seen the show 'Time Traveler's Wife,'
but my wife and I saw it on our date the other night. I won't spoil the plot
for those who haven't seen it. For those of you who have, you likely
will think I'm nuts for how it affected me. Almost from the beginning, I became quite emotional. I quickly identified with the husband, Henry. Henry's wife was so innocent and sweet when they met. Henry brought a 'defect' into their marriage which caused much heartache in his sweet wife's life. His defect was not something he chose, but was something he dealt with his entire life. His dear wife was understanding and loving, and did all in her power to help him. They had a wonderful, yet sometimes difficult marriage.

At the end of the movie, she held him closely and told him that she wouldn't change one second of their life together.

I walked my wife to the car, opened her door and went around to get in and drive home. As soon as I closed the door, I began sobbing uncontrollably. She reached over and hugged me, not knowing what was happening. Finally after a few minutes, I managed between sobs to tell her how sorry I was that she had married me, that I had caused her so much pain, that I didn't know when we married that it would be this way, that I would never have dreamed that our life would have taken the course it had. I expressed how much I loved her and how grateful I was that she loved me.

As she held me, she echoed the words, "I wouldn't change one second of our life together." I weep as I write this. How has Father seen fit that I should have the eternal companion that I do? She deserves so much more than I have offered her. I thank Him. I love her with all my being. Someday I hope to become the man she deserves and believes I can be.

Matis Christmas Fireside & Anniversary

2009-11-16T21:13:00.002-07:00

Friday December 4th at 7:00 PM will be the Matis Christmas Fireside. The musical fireside will be held at 2790 N. Center Street in Lehi, Utah.

Since going 'quiet' a month ago, I missed my blog anniversary and have gotten myself into a lot of trouble. I volunteered to organize the Matis fireside. A year ago, my first public outing was Scott and Sarah's first party. My second was the Matis Christmas fireside. Now, a year later I'm in charge of it. How does that happen?

I am breaking my silence to plead for help! If you are musical in any way, or have a flare for poetry, or make a wicked dessert, I NEED YOUR HELP! Christmas music is magical to me and transcends all possible differences as we worship the Savior's birth in hymns of praise. If you are willing to share your talents individually or in a group, please contact me this week before I finalize the program.

If, like me, you aren't musically blessed, but appreciate good talent, grab a friend and come enjoy the evening.

Going Quiet for a While

2009-10-16T13:32:00.004-06:00

I know I have done this before, and will likely do it again. Every once in a while, I need to back off a bit and refocus myself. I often get a bit overwhelmed with "the gay," and it starts to bring me down. I'm not going away, just going quiet. I may drop a line once and a while, but please don't be offended if I don't comment on your blog. It is not a reflection about my feelings for you. I am happy with my life and family right now, and need to focus more of my energies on them. I love the associations I've formed through blogging, and look forward to future interaction.

God bless,
Bravone

Why did I tell my baby girl? Why do I tell anyone?

2009-10-09T11:39:00.005-06:00

Sunday night I told my baby girl (15) that her dad is 'gay.' I hadn't expected to do it for several years, but the timing was right. She had been talking the past few days about her friend's gay uncle and possibly gay cousin. She is a pretty mature kid, and we are really close, so I dared disclose. I gathered her, her mom, and brother in our bedroom, and told her that her dad was attracted to the male gender. The look of shock in her eyes shocked me! After I talked to her about what being gay meant to me, and how I had chosen her and the family over other alternatives, I asked my wife to share her feelings about our relationship and how being honest with each other has improved our marriage. When she finished, I asked her 17 year-old brother to tell her how his knowledge of me has affected him. He told her that it really hasn't affected him other than he trying harder to be more understanding of other gay people.

It was a really good experience that we shared as a family. We have talked since, and things seem good. I am so grateful that, so far, most of those, to whom I have disclosed, have been very supportive.

This week I had the opportunity to spend part of two days with one of my best gay friends. It was sweet to catch up on one another's lives and just chat about things gay and otherwise. He is such a great friend. I told him of my most recent disclosures to two friends and my daughter, and then asked him why he thought I felt the need to share such an intimate detail of my life with those close to me. He responded that we have the desire to be loved for who we really are and not who others may assume us to be. We want the love and friendship we receive to be authentic. I think he nailed it for me. I want those closest to me to really know me, and love me for who I am. I don't feel the need to stand on the street corner and shout out, "Hey, everybody, I'm gay. Hear me roar!"

Disclosure can come at a cost though. It altered my closest straight friendship, which was very painful at the time. We are still friends, but it will never be quite the same. I am at peace with that now. All others have been positive and allowed me to be more open an honest in sharing my life with those who I most love.

For those deciding whether or not to share, I recommend praying to know who and when to tell. I hope your experiences will be as positive as mine have been.

Conference Thoughts

2009-10-04T18:59:00.004-06:00

I was touched by each session of conference yesterday and today. It seemed especially good to me, probably because I prayed ahead of time that I would feel the spirit when truth was spoken. My heart was open and it was filled. I already forgot many of the talks, but look forward to reading them soon.

I was especially touched by a talk given on temperance. I think I am being tempered, and am grateful to find meaning to the trials I face in life. I also was very grateful to hear Elder Holland's talk. For me, it will go down as an all time classic, like the Elder McConkie's final testimony of the atonement just days before he passed away. I have memorized part of it, and found strength in it. He knew he would soon die, and left one of the most powerful witnesses of Christ I have ever heard. He said, "I am one of his Witnesses. And in the coming day I will feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God's almighty Son and he is our Savior and Redeemer and that Salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way." I will never forget where I was when he spoke those words, nor the spirit I felt. I knew that he knew.

Elder Holland's address left me with a similar feeling. I know that he knows. I have tremendous respect for him. He was the president of BYU when I was there. He called my in-law's home one day to talk to them about their up coming mission president calling. My wife answered the phone, and you'd have thought they were long lost friends. He reminisced with her about our common days at BYU. However, even if I didn't already have a soft spot for him, I could not help but be touched the spirit and his firm conviction of the Book of Mormon.

Even in my darkest hour, I could not deny the spirit I felt reading the words of King Benjamin found in Mosiah.

Great conference!

Family, Friends, Football, Family Services, & Finances

2009-09-30T22:43:00.003-06:00

It's been an "F"ing week...in a good kind of way. Family: I think God knew that I would have enough of my own problems that he blessed me with a great family. I have an awesome wife that I don't deserve, and kids that are amazing. If I could go through a buffet and pick out the kids I most wanted, I'd pick my kids. They aren't perfect, but they are so good and I thank Father daily for them and the good choices they are making.

Friends: I emailed links to my blog this week to two very important friends of mine. I told both how much they meant to me and that I wanted to share an important part of my life with them. If they didn't want to maintain contact, I would understand. One was one of my two best high school friends. I was soooo nervous I thought I might need a drink. My heart was racing and I was a wreck. He told me years ago of his gay brother, but I had never shared this aspect of my life with him. He immediately responded that he couldn't believe that I would even infer that he wouldn't want to maintain contact. He is truly a good man and I am so grateful for his unconditional friendship. The other was probably my best friend when I lived in Boise. We worked out together every day and helped each other through some rough times. He is a very well rounded individual who I deeply admire. He responded that our friendship ran way deeper than something like this. I am so grateful for these good friends with whom I can now truly share my life.

Football: I love football. Especially high school and college football. All three of my sons play/played football. My third son is now a senior and is a running back. He is a great kid and having a really good season, 5-0. I love this son so much. He is strong, humble, grateful, and sweet, in addition to being a great student and athlete. My daughter also plays football as the rest of the world knows it. She is a terrific soccer player. This time of the year keeps us hopping. I love it! I am a BYU fan, unless they are playing Boise State!

Family Services: I finally decided I needed to start attending an addiction recovery program. I went to my first meeting Sunday night. I was so scared! I felt a bit awkward, not knowing when to say in harmony with the others "hello Sam" and "thanks for sharing Sam" It was a great experience though, I felt the spirit strongly there among fellow sinners who were humbly trying to overcome the weaknesses of our flesh. I think it will be good for me.

Finances: This year has been the most financially challenging of my life, not a good time to be a self employed commercial real estate broker. But, today, a shopping center I have been working on for over a year finally closed! We will now be financially secure for at least a few months. Paying bills will never be so fun! I am truly grateful for this huge blessing.

That is my "F"ing week! I hope to have many more just like them!

Prone to wander, Prone to leave the God I love

2009-09-20T16:25:00.004-06:00

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

These words come from the hymn "Come, Though Fount of Every Blessing," and describe me better than any other hymn or song. I recently succumbed to two of my addictions and wanted to run from my God. But because I now am able to confide in my wife, she has helped me to soften my heart once again and take the steps to righting myself with Him. My flesh is week, but my heart yearns to be with my Father and Elder Brother again and feel their love. I long to be held in their embrace. A dear friend recently said the following in an email to me, "I truly believe when you get there, you will be welcomed and Christ will tell you, 'It is enough. Welcome into my rest.' and you will receive everything you hope for."

'It is enough.' O how I hope to someday hear those words! Days like today, when I feel Him near, I want it to come quickly, before I wander again. I know Father loves me. Even as I tried to push Him away, He held on to me. Now I offer my heart. Please Lord, take it, and seal it in thy courts above.

My biggest struggle

2009-09-13T22:15:00.006-06:00

My biggest struggle is not same gender attraction. I am finally at peace with my gay nature. I don't want to change it. I don't need to. I don't believe God expects me to change this integral part of who I am. I am happy in my marriage. I am happy being father to three sons and a beautiful daughter. I have found healthy ways to fulfill my needs for male intimacy. I love my occupation, though it is very difficult in the present economic times.

My biggest struggle is with my faith. For those not acquainted with my story, I repressed my homosexuality, fears, shame, guilt, sin...everything for so many years that I taught myself how not to "feel." This led me to not only not feeling the pain, but also not feeling the spirit. Over a period of years, I went from sitting on the stand with two counselors by my side to sitting in the congregation, not able to take the sacrament for over a year. I had completely lost my faith, especially in the Mormon church. I didn't even believe in God. Having no belief in God or anything religious made it easy to live contrary to church teachings. I became an alcoholic and indulged in pornography, two demons that still haunt me when I let down my guard.

I have made no illusion that I still struggle with my faith. Sometimes it is mainly focused on the church. Other times I still question my belief in God. This constant battle of belief leads, or at least contributes, to a state of depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression several years ago. It runs in our family. Still, I question whether my depression is clinical, situational, or a combination of the two. I don't know how to know for sure.

One thing for sure, my contradicting feelings about the church don't contribute to my happiness. Teaching church history in Sunday School this year is tearing me up. I read the lessons, and compare them to what I have also studied about church history and it eats me alive. The lessons are so sugar coated and watered down. I understand that the lessons are brief and meant to be faith promoting, but I think the over simplification can cause more harm than good when, through other means, more of the story comes to light. Our church's history is not as simple and one sided as the lessons make it appear. While the treatment of the saints was abhorrent, there is always more to the story than initially meets the eye. Joseph Smith was also a complex man, and I don't pretend to fully understand him, his actions or motivations.

Sometimes I wish I had never doubted, never let the seeds of disbelief enter my mind. Life was so much simpler then. Now it requires so much more faith to believe. Now it is so hard to reconcile my beliefs with some church doctrine, and especially church culture.

I made the decision that in order for me to be the happiest in my life, I needed to be fully active in the church. My wife and family are strong in their faith. The church is such a part of their lives that if I want to play a significant role in their lives, I must embrace it as well.

I wish I could forget my doubts, bury them deep in the earth and move on with life. I want to believe. I guess that's a start. I just wish I didn't have to keep starting over.

Gay friends....who needs them?

2009-09-07T00:26:00.003-06:00

Who needs gay friends? I DO! This month marks my one year anniversary in the 'moho' world. Thinking back over the past year stirs up many feelings and memories. It began as I was trying to decide if I wanted to be reinstated to full fellowship in the church, and if I thought I could actually be gay and faithful to gospel teachings.

My first two experiences venturing out of the closet into the light of friendship and self acceptance came by Googling "gay Mormon married men." The first blog I remember reading was Forester. I was so intrigued by his blog that I followed his links and discovered a whole new world of people like me! I wasn't alone! The second experience was on You Tube, where I found my friend Evan's videos. He was working through his feelings about homosexuality, family, faith and the possibility of serving a mission. I felt an immediate bond with both of them. I could relate to Forester because he too was gay, Mormon and married. My heart went out to Evan because I could see how much he loved his family and his faith, and yet, like me, wasn't quite sure how to reconcile his sexual nature with what he'd been taught and believed all his life.

From there, I soon discovered many cyber friends that I'd call out, but don't want to forget anyone. You know who you are. I even found my MTC teacher, whom I love and owe so much for changing my life both as a young man and again as I struggled to regain my lost faith.

My first public 'outing' was Scott and Sarah's first moho party. I still can't believe I had the courage to go! My wife was less nervous than I was. We had to arrive a half hour early so I could watch people come in and not be overwhelmed walking into a group of a bunch of gay people! I can remember everyone I met that night. They are still some of my dearest friends. Next came the Christmas Matis fireside. Wow, was that cool! Later I faced my fears and joined a support group consisting of some us us from Idaho Falls and BYUI. I love these men like brothers. I also found North Star, which has been a huge blessing in my life.

How has a year in the moho world affected my life? Where to begin? At first, I was like a kid in a candy store, I couldn't get enough. I read entire blogs, following the journeys of men like me, who had grown up confused and frustrated in a society and church that told us that something was wrong with us, evil and needed to be changed. I cried as I watched some with earnest desires to remain faithful fall away and live lives where they felt more acceptance. It broke my heart. I would get so wrapped up in worrying about people that I really didn't know that it became unhealthy for me. I had to find balance and remind myself that it wasn't my job to try to solve everyone's problems or fix their lives. Someone Else had already done that. I also came to love and respect others no matter the choices they made. I learned to appreciate that my path didn't have to be their path, and that my path was simply that, my path. I have been blessed to understand that our Father loves us all, that it is not for me to judge, but to love.

Love has been the biggest blessing of my association with other gay men (and women.) Earlier today I wrote the following on a friends blog, and this prompted my thoughts tonight. " When I am around my gay friends, hugging, expressing feelings of friendship and support come naturally. In most cases, there is no sexual attraction on either part, simply a commonality that we both understand and fulfill naturally.

When I text my best straight friend, if he responds, it is very factual and to the point. A text from a gay friend usually includes a 'love you man' or 'have a great day' attached.

Just being with someone who understands the thoughts we are are having, the experiences we have faced, and the challenges we endure means tons, and words never even need to be exchanged. With gay friends, there is a built in understanding that I so appreciate.

I don't think that God intends us to resolve every issue or have every need fulfilled in marriage alone. Certainly our spouses should be the focal point of our lives, but why would God have created Quorums, visiting teaching etc. if he didn't intend for us to interact and grow from someone besides our spouse?

This summer, 3 or 4 of my gay friends have stopped by our house on their way somewhere. We have always hugged as they arrived and departed. My wife knows that I need it and doesn't feel threatened by it. She hugs them too. It is just a thing we do that seems pretty natural."

Associating with other men who have same gender attraction has helped me to accept the good in me, and see the good in others. It has helped me to fulfill the need for male intimacy in a healthy way that has enhanced my self esteem and strengthened my marriage.

Who needs gay friends? I DO and I am so grateful for each one of them!

ADDENDUM After reading a few responses, I feel the need to add a few of my thoughts regarding boundaries. For me, boundaries are crucial to any successful relationship. Some of the boundaries are my internal limits placed to keep me from getting too emotionally attached. It is extremely hard for me to do because I, as many gay individuals, can turn our love and concern for others into a full time job. I have to remind myself that I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and my family, and that, while I have made covenants to 'bear one another's burdens,' the Lord doesn't expect me do it all alone. Making other people's problems my own doesn't help them and drags me down. I pray for my friends, offer support where possible, and then trust them to His care.

As far as boundaries to keep a relationship from escalating into more of a romance, I'll defer to one of my younger friends who has faced this issue. He is very attractive and has a delightful personality. On more than one occasion, he has had to tell a friend, "We can never be anything more than friends. I love you, but in order for our friendship to continue, we must remain friends only." It has led to some hurt feelings, but he remains on safe ground.

I'm not sure that the boundaries that we expect our youth to keep before marriage could be any better guide for our gay relationships. The guidelines set forth in For the Strength of Youth are an excellent model for us as well. If I had strong feelings for another man, hard as it may be, I hope I would have the strength to back away, to never be alone with him. Hopefully I would be honest enough to communicate my need to pull away a bit or all together if necessary.

So, in conclusion, I think the key is healthy boundaries. Some we set for ourselves, others we may need to make with our friends, to keep them friends.

Adversity...you've gotta be kidding me!

2009-08-19T00:48:00.003-06:00

I spent an hour this evening talking with my business partner about the company's financial situation and my personal financial woes. Our general consensus was that it is not an especially good time to be a self employed commercial real estate broker. No sooner had I returned to my office and the phone rang. It was my high priest's group leader. He asked me if I was going to be around Sunday. I said NO. He laughed and I confessed that earlier in the day I hadn't planned on being home this weekend, but plans had changed and I'd be home. (We had planned to attend the North Star couples summit, but a closing fell through and therefore no funds.) He said he needed a teacher. I told him I sucked at teaching, but accepted.

"What's the lesson?" I asked. "Elder Eyring's talk on Adversity." I busted out laughing. What would I know about that? How would a stressed out, gay Mormon, depressed, anxious, recovering alcoholic, recently reinstated to full fellowship, broke, tired, faith wavering, kid on a mission, kid in college, two in high school, health problem ridden guy like me know about adversity?

"Is something wrong?" he asked. "No, it's all good. Happy to do it...I think."

My new best friend.

2009-08-14T23:45:00.005-06:00

I'd like to tell you about my new best friend. I've actually known her for over 24 years. She has always been a good friend. We've always gotten along really well, but I had kept an invisible barrier between us that prevented us from truly becoming best friends. At first, the barrier was a secret past that I thought I had overcome. I didn't think it was necessary or appropriate to share with her sins from which I had repented. Later it was shame that I couldn't overcome my 'sinful' feelings toward other men. I told her about my childhood experiences, but assured her that they were behind me, that the thought of homosexuality repulsed me. I thought I believed it.

Years went on and she remained my friend, we shared so much together, but not the heavy burden I bore, not the self hate, not the insecurities, not the daily temptations I faced. She surely wasn't strong enough to deal with my inner turmoil. It wasn't fair to share my doubts about faith with her either. I couldn't tell her how scared I was at times about being able to adequately provide for my family. I had to be strong. I had to hold in all my feelings. I could share with no one.

Finally the weight of my burden crushed me and I broke into tiny pieces of the man I had so carefully constructed. There I lay, all my secrets exposed to the light of day. Surely she would abandon me now. Surely she would be repulsed, and seek a friend more worthy of the divine woman she had become. But no! She saw something in me that I could not, still sometimes have a hard time seeing. She remained true and instead of throwing away our friendship, she wanted to strengthen it. How could this be? Why would she do it? She was still young, smart, beautiful, fun, and talented, but she chose me.

She not only wanted to be my friend, she wanted to be my best friend. Finally broken and humbled, I tore down the facade of a fictitious life of strength. I promised her that I would never lie to her again. I asked her what she would do if I fell again, after all, my track record wasn't all that great. My way of coping with my internalization of everything was to drown it with alcohol or pornography. They had been my 'best friends' for years. Her response made all the difference in our friendship and literally saved my life. "We will just start over again." She truly understood the meaning of eternal companionship, of bearing one another's burdens. She proved to be the strong one in our relationship.

Now, after 24 years, I am so excited to have a new best friend, my sweet wife! I share everything with her. When I feel insecure, when I need a drink, when my homosexual desires rise from attraction to desire to seek out pornography, when financial pressure weighs me down, I turn to her, and therein find peace, friendship, love, strength, and acceptance. My only regret and hers, is that it took me so long to let her into my life. She was always there, I foolishly thought I had to save her the pain, only ultimately causing more pain.

We both smile more, laugh and cuddle more. We still face many challenges, but have adopted the motto, "Come what may and love it." Life is good, the best it has ever been, with my new best friend. I am a lucky man.

Remember

2009-08-05T15:48:00.007-06:00

Remember is perhaps one of the most important words in modern language. Certainly it is in scripture.

This post is a follow up to my last post about being weary. I really appreciate the thoughtful and creative ideas you shared on how you deal with 'the weariness factor.' In our area, we have a little support group that meets every two weeks. It consists of about 7 or 8 friends who have same gender attraction and desire to keep our covenants. It has been extremely valuable in helping me understand that I can live a happy, fulfilling, Christ-centered life as a gay man.

Last week, I asked the group how they deal with feelings of weariness in their lives. Many great ideas were shared. Sometimes we look for earth shattering ideas, when the seminary or Sunday school answers are really the simplest and most helpful. Daily prayer, gospel study, and service are essential to our spiritual well being. Often these simple things that I neglect heighten my weariness.

One friend said that when he is weary, he tries to remember. He remembers what the effects of sin feels like, he remembers how it feels to be clean, he remembers when he was most happy, etc. I struck me how easily I forget those feelings.

The scriptures are replete with references to remembering important things that will help us to stay the course. We are told to remember, the captivity of our fathers, the covenant with Abraham, to keep the Sabbath day holy, Lot's wife, the awfulness in transgressing, remember Him, faith, virtue, the worth of souls, the goodness of our God, etc.

The single most motivating thing I can do to help me make correct choices in life that lead to happiness is REMEMBER. When I remember how I felt in various situations in my life, such as the happiest day of my life when we were married in the temple, the joy as each child was born, the pain as I brought sin into our marriage, the opposite peace I felt returning to the temple for the first time after reinstatement, it becomes abundantly clear the direction I should take. I pray that I will always be able to remember.

The Weariness Factor

2009-08-03T20:52:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I just get tired, weary of life. Weary of the continual challenges of keeping my covenants, raising a family, running a business, same gender attraction, eking out a living, resisting the temptations of my addictions............

Today, this past week, this past month, I have been particularly weighed down. I probably shouldn't write this today, because it is one of the low days. I am physically and emotionally tired. In the past, in these moments, I would turn to pornography or alcohol to help take me to a different world where nothing else mattered, where there was no responsibility, where my mind was distracted and problems seemed so far away.

I don't want to do that again. They provide no long term solutions.

What do you do when the 'Weariness Factor' sets in? Please offer suggestions that have helped you in times like these. Thanks, Bravone

Disposable Friends

2009-07-13T10:26:00.006-06:00

I don't think I will ever understand how some seem to consider friendships to be disposable. To me, friendships are one some of life's greatest treasures, never to be taken for granted or treated lightly, certainly never to be thoughtlessly tossed aside when the selfish perceived usefulness of the friendship is over.

Some seem comfortable to profess friendship only when they need you, and then drop you when someone else comes along, or their need is filled, or it is no longer convenient. Give and take exists in all relationships. Some are just more interested in taking than giving.

I understand that all relationships evolve over time. I know some can drift apart for a lot of reasons. What I don't understand is how someone. with whom you have shared and enjoyed so much, can so quickly turn a cold shoulder or begin to ignore someone they once claimed as a friend. I hope I never understand this. It is not my nature. Short of an egregious betrayal of friendship, I just don't get it. Even then, I, by nature am quick to forgive. I may be more careful with such an individual, but wouldn't automatically exclude them from my life.

A few years back, a lifelong friend enticed me to leave a great job, friends, and a city I loved to move across state and work for his company. I prayed extensively about it and felt it was right on all levels. Within six months, he "terminated my position." saying only that "it was a lot of little things." It was hurtful in many ways, but I made the decision that I would not let it ruin a friendship that had spanned decades. We are still friends, and have since done several business transactions together, although I go in with my eyes wide open. In the long run, it was a huge blessing to have made the move and also to still have our friendship.

With some friends, years can pass with little or no interaction, and you can pick up right where you left off. I love these kinds of friendships. They are only possible when bridges haven't been burned.

I know I might come across a bit whiny or needy, but I don't really think that is the case. I simply enjoy friends and don't think I could ever have too many. I hope to never take for granted the friendships with which I have been blessed. Friends are the strawberries in the cereal of life.

Difficult Time of Life

2009-07-08T13:27:00.007-06:00

I think one of the hardest times in a person's life is the period right after high school or after one's mission. It is such an intense period of change and potential turmoil. Society places such high expectations on people in this period of life, and the Church culture can be especially brutal.

My ignorance of my gay nature combined with blessings from above and dumb luck made it possible for me to marry within a few years of returning from my mission. Had I understood my sexuality better then, I think life would have been much more difficult for me. I don't know if I would have been able or desirous to marry. On the other hand, I might have been able to deal with my attractions and emotions in a more healthy way earlier, and spared myself and others a lot of unnecessary pain. As my blog title states, I consider myself to be a lucky man.

I truly respect those who acknowledge their orientation early on, and make decisions about what role it will play in their lives. Since joining the "community" last fall, I have come to know and care deeply for many who share the same challenges of same gender attraction. My heart goes out to those who are single and have desires to remain true to their covenants. I can't think of too many challenges more difficult.

I think that as a society and church culture, we place far too much emphasis on the need and timing of marriage. Individuals, especially those with same gender attraction, should be allowed time to first come to know themselves and develop a solid foundation for the life that they desire to live. The emphasis should be focused on developing Christlike attributes and a healthy sense of self worth as sons of God. If we cannot find happiness and stability as single men, we certainly won't find it in marriage.

Members of the church should break the suffocating tradition of marriage expectations for others. Some may never choose to marry for various reasons. Some may find it possible to marry, and some may decide to enter into a committed relationship with someone of their own gender. As a society and as members of Christ's church, I believe we should respect each individual's agency, and help all sincere men and women feel welcome in our midst.

My greatest desire for my single friends who experience same gender attraction is that they feel peace in the knowledge that God loves and accepts them, that they find happiness in the journey of life, that they realize their purpose and potential, and that they experience the love and acceptance of family, friends and church members.

My kids' father, mine, and ours

2009-06-21T16:43:00.004-06:00

Father's Day always brings mixed emotions for me. My dad is a wonderful man. When I grow up, I want to be like him. He is one of the most Christ like men I know. Although he didn't verbally or physically express his love when I was younger, I knew he loved me. He taught me how to work, and although we never had much materially, he was a good provider and example. He is humble, and as he has aged, finds expressing his feelings easier to do. He is constant. Through the good times and bad, he has always remained faithful and firm. He is meek. He has always felt a bit inferior to his peers who served missions, although he and mom have been on four now. My dad can do anything. He is handy and resourceful. He is my hero, and I love him.

My kids' dad is another story. He had the best of intentions, wanted to be the perfect dad, but wasn't/isn't. He took as much good as he could from his father's example, but found that he couldn't quite measure up in terms of constancy. His faith has wavered, he has stumbled and fallen. While he did a lot of things right, such as always showing love and affection, spending time, coaching, camping, and being heavily involved in their lives, he has not always been the beacon of strength he wishes to be. He trod a crooked path of alternating spiritual strength and leadership, personal failures, disfellowshipment, alcoholism, and attempted recovery.

I heard the words of praise and appreciation from them today, yet wonder what legacy I am really leaving. I am not concerned as much about what my legacy means to me, but how it will ultimately affect their lives. Will my personal weaknesses and poor example lead them to justify sin and short comings in their lives? Will they see my sorrow for sin and repentance and determine to live a better life, to be a better example to their families? The jury is out.

I have absolutely loved being a father. I can think of no greater joy than fatherhood. I have loved every stage of their lives, from diapers to dating to deep discussions as adults. My life has been blessed because of them. I truly believe that God sent me good kids because he knew I would have enough problems of my own that I didn't need and probably couldn't handle difficult children.

Today also makes me reflect on the Father of us all. Even as I doubted his existence, profaned his name, and despised his church, he never abandoned me. It is as if he eagerly stood by waiting to bless me at every opportunity, whether I deserved it or not. The moment I ever so slightly opened my heart to him, he filled it with his unconditional love. He wrapped his loving arms around his wayward son, and has never let go. I love Him. I want to live with him again. I want to show him, by the way I live the remainder of my life, that I am grateful for his love, for the good life he has given me, for the wonderful companion and family with which he has blessed me.

I am determined to be a better father, and am grateful for my father and ours.

Where I Find Peace

2009-06-13T21:57:00.004-06:00

Where can I turn for peace....He only one. I read a friend's blog today that has caused me some serious reflection. Rather than respond on his blog, and risk that I may have misunderstood his thoughts or place different definitions to the words he chose, I will post my thoughts about where I find peace. I respect my friend's thoughts, but don't necessarily agree with his conclusions.

One of my friends thoughts, as I understand it, is that a gay LDS man cannot find peace until he accepts that change is not necessary, and accepts his orientation as part of his nature. While I don't totally discount that a person might be able to change his orientation, I probably agree on this point. I don't know that my same gender attraction will ever go away, and do not feel that it is necessary for me to be happy, find peace, or keep my covenants. What is more important to me is what I choose to do with those attractions.

His other theory, as I understand it, is that the only way for a gay LDS man to achieve peace is to take a same sex partner, contrary to the teachings of the church. Otherwise, he will struggle, having to continually make the choice to live according to church doctrine. He concludes that those who leave the church and find a partner can find happiness and peace. I agree, that many who chose to so live, can find happiness and peace. I disagree, however, that those who stay in the church cannot find peace.

My favorite scripture is Doctrine and Covenants 19:23 "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me."

I find peace attempting to live the gospel, attempting to learn of my Savior and following him. This does not mean that I am struggle free. To me being without struggle does not equate to peace. I believe that we can find peace even as we struggle, perhaps because of the struggle. Struggling means different things to different people, but to me it does not have a negative connotation. It means that I am trying, that I realize my weaknesses and my need to rely on my Savior to help me through my life's journey. It keeps me humble. It keeps me reaching, stretching, and growing.

Am I always happy? No. Am I free from temptation? No. Do I sometimes feel depression? Yes. Do I sometimes wish I could have my natural desires of male intimacy fulfilled? Yes. Is the emotional aspect of my same gender attraction always satisfied? No. Do these issues mean that I lack peace in my life? Absolutely not.

I have lived a significant part of my life without peace. During this period of time, I did not understand or accept the nature of my sexual identity and tried unsuccessfully to 'overcome' my 'sinful life' alone. I found peace by opening my 'dark secret' to sunlight, allowing my wife, family and dear friends to help me bear my burdens. I found it by accepting that I am not evil because of the attractions and needs I have as gay son of God. I found it by applying the healing powers of the atonement in my life. I found it through my struggle to know my Father and his Son.

I'll close with one of my favorite hymns.
"Where Can I turn for peace,
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole.
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul

Where, when my aching grows,
Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching,

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind
Love without end." (LDS Hymns, #129 - Where Can I Turn for Peace)

24 Years Ago Today!

2009-06-08T09:37:00.003-06:00

At this very moment, 24 years ago today, I knelt across the alter of the Idaho Falls temple looking my sweetheart in the eyes and feeling the bliss and blessing of being totally worthy to be there, participating in that most sacred ceremony. The pre-wedding anxiety was gone and replaced with joy and peace. It was truly the happiest moment of the happiest day of my life.

I was the first of my closest friends to marry. At the reception that evening, as each came through the line, they would rib me about the excitement to follow. Little did they know that we weren't exactly napping between the temple and the reception.:)

It has been a wonderful 24 years. We have always been close, always gotten along well. It has not always been easy, marriage never is. I further complicated things by my own struggles, but we have weathered well, overcome, and grown ever closer over the years.

We met on a blind date, and luckily, she has been blind ever since. She is the love of my life. She is more beautiful today than she was 24 years ago. I love her more than ever. I am truly a lucky man.

I Had Not Expected This

2009-06-03T22:45:00.003-06:00

While I had been praying to know IF and WHEN the timing was right, I did not expect it to happen last night. My 17 year-old son and I were working out in the basement when a show about homosexuals and their families came on PBS. It featured the stories of 4 or 5 men and a woman coming to grips with their sexuality, coming out to their families and the support or lack thereof they received from family, friends, community and church. One of the families was LDS and lived in Utah.

My son started asking a lot of questions and discussing gay issues, my thoughts on gay marriage, the church's teachings, the Gay Straight Alliance at school, kids that he knows who are gay, and of course how disgusting he thinks being gay would be. He said that he had no idea what he would do if one of his sons ever told him that he was gay. It was an interesting show and our conversation even more interesting.

Although I am not an advocate of telling everyone about our challenges of same gender attraction, I felt prompted to tell my son of my personal experience with same sex attraction. We went into my son's bedroom and knelt across the bed from each other. I told him that his dad is 'gay' or, more accurately, how his dad is same gender attracted. We discussed the difference between what some of the world portrays gay people to be and how having sga affects me, and how I choose to live my life. We talked about how having same gender attraction doesn't equal gay promiscuous sex. We talked about some of the good qualities that often accompany gay individuals, and how only God knows the hearts of his children and is capable of righteous judgment, how our responsibility is to love and treat others with respect.

To understand the significance of our discussion, I should have first given some background about our relationship. He is my third son and bears my name. His two older brothers and younger sister thankfully take after their mother, he is the only one who remotely looks related to me! We have always had a special bond. He has such a sensitive spirit. If I could have custom built my idea of an ideal son, it would be him. When he was little, I would lay on his bed and make up bedtime stories, always ending with me telling him how much I loved him and how grateful I was to be his dad. I have been on nearly all of his scout outings and coached his football teams until he was in high school.

Because of our close relationship, I never doubted that he would react with anything but love. After I talked about some of the challenges of living with sga, I asked him if he had any questions that I could clarify. He didn't. I told him that over the next few days, he probably would have questions, and assured him that I would always be open to discuss them with him. I told him that I wanted him to know because I wanted him to be more understanding and less judgmental of those who live with sga. I wanted him to know me, and wanted to be as honest with him as I hoped he would be with me.

Although I knew he would still love me, I didn't know how his teenage mind would process this new information. I was humbled when, at the end of our conversation, he hugged me,and thanked me for choosing to live a righteous life, and for being a worthy father. I am so grateful for families. Truly God knew what he was doing when he created families - the best support group one could ever have. I hope I never again do anything to jeopardize the sacred trust placed upon me as a husband and father.

Take the first step

2009-05-31T13:18:00.006-06:00

I swore I wouldn't do it, but for some reason that I can't explain, I did it. I still can't adequately express how deeply it hurt to hear my closest friend tell me that he felt awkward around me, couldn't relate, and didn't know how to help me. I have felt such a hole in my heart and a void in my life the past few months. We were so close, shared so much, then nothing. I can't understand how he was capable of seemingly shutting the door on our friendship.

I decided that if he and/or his wife initiated contact, we would likely reciprocate, but that I never would initiate any interaction. I didn't want to be rejected again. bitterness started to build within. Then a few weeks ago, his wife said to mine, that we should go out to eat sometime. A week ago, I don't know what possessed me, but I simply texted him "hungry?" It sounds so easy, but I stewed about it for hours before sending. Then I waited. A few minutes later, he sent back, "Yes, the boys and I are just leaving St Anthony and will be home in about an hour." An hour and a half later, they were picking us up to go eat. I became so worked up that I started having a panic attack. Seems crazy that a few months ago, we were brothers, and now I was literally terrified to even be with him. I had to call a friend and have him help me calm down.

The dinner was like old times, like nothing had ever happened. We had a great time. The next day I texted, "we enjoyed dinner, thanks." He responded likewise. It was the beginning of reopening the door to our friendship. I don't know if our friendship will ever be the way it once was, and that's okay.

So often people, and maybe more so those of us with same gender attraction, tend to be easily offended. We so need the validation of those important in our lives, that when, real or perceived, we are rejected, it devastates us. Some of us harbor feelings toward someone who may have abused us, to parents who may not have given us the validation and love we needed. We may have had friends who abandoned us upon discovering our natures. The are so many reasons we and others can take offense, and if not healed, it can destroy us.

I am so grateful for my dad and the many examples of forgiveness that he has shown me. His philosophy is that life is too short to hold a grudge. Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. If we are ever to truly be free, to be the masters of our destiny, and to have the spirit guide our lives, we must let go the burden of prideful hurt that others may have caused. We must choose to not be offended. We must forgive them and move on. We must summon up the courage and take the first step.

Plan A? It's a Deal!

2009-05-26T09:35:00.003-06:00

Never agree to Plan A with someone who spends the summer in the desert without a cell phone! A few months ago, I was chatting on the phone with one of my choicest friends. He was telling me about his post graduation plans to focus on regaining his spiritual balance. He felt that he was at a cross roads of sorts and needed to return to his best self to make some life altering decisions. It involved, amongst other things, clearing up a few things, dropping a few habits, turning his heart back to Father, and gaining spiritual and physical strength. It was intended to put his life in order so that he could, with the Lord's help, clearly chart a course for the future. He referred to this process as Plan A.

At the time, I was also going through some difficult times and was not my best self. I had turned to my old "friend" alcohol to help me cope with stress and anxiety. I had begun slacking on exercise and gospel study as well. My life was out of balance. Plan A was just what I needed, so, without much thought, I said, "hey, how about I join you on Plan A? We can help hold each other accountable and work on this together." We quickly agreed that before either of us did something stupid, we would call the other. The call would hopefully provide the necessary support and become a deterrent in straying from the Plan. Immediately, I thought, "Oh no, what have I done?" I wasn't ready to give up my vices, and now I was stuck.

While I have made covenants with my Father and my wife to live what amounts to Plan A, for some reason, making this pact with my friend, who experiences the same challenges that I do, has profoundly affected me. I feel compelled to stick to this plan. What I had not anticipated, however, was that my friend would later choose a job that requires him to be in the middle of the desert without a cell phone for most of the summer! I daily crave alcohol, and some days I feel that the only way I can make it through my day of temptation, depression, fear and anxiety is to have a drink or three. Several times I have tried to contact my friend before imbibing, only to reach his answering machine. I guess I could say I tried and couldn't reach him, and so I did my part, and then give in, but I can't. I simply can't. I made a pact, and I have stuck to it. If I can't reach him, I just have to tough it out, and sometimes reach out to others, including my Heavenly Friend, to make it.

I am so grateful for my friend and Plan A, even if he has deserted me! Some days I do better than others, but I am making progress. Some days I feel like shouting "Plan A, all the way!" Other days, I eek out, "Plan A, just today," but the important thing is that I am consistently working on Plan A. Hooray for Plan A!

Should I Tell Him?

2009-05-16T22:53:00.004-06:00

For some reason, I yearn to tell him. We were only companions for two months, yet formed a bond that will last forever.......I hope. We truly loved serving together. We were both young zone leaders. He was two months younger than I in the mission, but I was his junior companion. I learned so much from him about leadership and loved his self confidence. He is half Mexican and taught me some Mexican songs that I still remember. He had such natural enthusiasm for life, Italy and missionary work. It was contagious, and changed the course of my mission.

After the mission, we both taught at the MTC and attended each others weddings. Then we lost contact for over twenty years. He lived part of the time in Mexico and when in the states, had an unlisted number. I tried many times to find him, but was never successful. Then, out of the blue, about four months ago, he called me. I was so excited to hear from him again and we made plans to meet sometime when we visited Utah. It never quite worked out. A few weeks ago, he called and said he was bringing his soccer team to a tournament in Idaho Falls. I invited him, his wife and daughter to stay with us. It was as if we picked right up where we left off - one litmus test of a true friendship.

Last night we talked, shared memories and laughed into the morning hours. He is still the same happy, energetic, loud and lovable friend he ever was. I asked him to tell me what "really" has happened over the past two decades. He shared many experiences of how life has molded him, his challenges and many spiritual moments. I listened and said very little about my life after the mission. I don't know if he even noticed. He is such a good story teller and so full of life, I don't even know if realized that we talked little of me.

My heart ached to tell him of my experiences. I so wanted to let him know of my heartaches as well as the successful facade that veils my inner self and insecurities. However, I am still hurting from the betrayal of my best friend. This past week, the wound has seemed to deepen and pierce my heart. I so badly want to be loved and accepted for the "total" me by those who think they know me. I feel a need to be validated by my straight friends, by those who have played such a huge part of my life. Yet, I am so afraid of being hurt, that I don't know if I will ever open up again. Both the thoughts of holding it all in and opening up and being rejected again pain me. What do I do? I don't know. I ache inside.

Happy Man

2009-05-08T10:27:00.002-06:00

I really have no good reason to be happy, but I am. My business has taken a huge hit lately and finances are way tight. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make the mortgage payment this month or buy groceries. The weather has been cold and dreary. I have a cracked rib due to coughing so hard. I could go on, but choose not to.

I am happy. I feel optimistic and I'm not quite sure why, but I'll take it! I have a career, that while in the tank right now, I love. I have a great wife and good kids. The lights are still on. The grass is green. The tulips are blooming. The trees leafing out. I have great friends (many of you.) I have good health. I have challenges that I am doing my best to overcome - not always successful, but improving.

I had a chat with a friend the other night about some significant choices he was about to make. During the course of the conversation, I began to feel the spirit and it felt so good. I know that even though I am far from where I want and feel I need to be, God does love me. I know that the difficult times I am going through are refining and purifying me. Although I would never pray to be humbled, I am grateful it is happening.

I am happy, and happy that I am.

Tolerance

2009-04-28T19:10:00.003-06:00

I know that I probably have some remnants of intolerance lurking somewhere in the corners of my mind, but for the most part, I hope to have opened my mind and heart to the idea that good can be found almost everywhere and in almost everyone. I am not naive, and know that there are truly wicked people filled with evil intent in the world. There are also some things that I will never tolerate, mainly intolerance.

The thing that has always hurt me the most, even since I was a child, is when people do things that demean or hurt another individual, physically or emotionally.

Growing up in a church that teaches that it is the "Only true and living church" can sometimes result in unintended consequences. It can foster a sense of self-righteousness and a "holier than thou" attitude. I don't necessarily fault the church for this, but I do fault myself for internalizing these feelings.

If I have gained anything from making so many of my own mistakes in life and falling so short of what the church teaches, it is that we as a church and as church members don't have a corner on truth or goodness. I have met some truly good people in very unlikely places. I have learned so much good from people who do not share the same religious belief system that I do.

I am grateful for my membership in the LDS Church. I am grateful that my testimony of the gospel is returning. I am also grateful for the wonderful life lessons about tolerance that I have learned. I am grateful to count as dear friends those who hold differing views on life, politics, sexuality, and religion. I am grateful for diversity and opinions that cause me to reflect, grow and broaden my thinking and understanding of the world around me.

Death of a Friendship

2009-04-24T22:50:00.001-06:00

I should be wearing black. I am mourning the death of one of my most treasured friendships. Over the course of my life, I have been blessed with many friends. Although not particularly outgoing, I tend to make friends rather easily. I have an innate curiosity about people and enjoy getting to know people of all ages and backgrounds. I am also blessed with a large capacity to love. I once heard that loves doesn't divide, it multiplies. I believe it to be true.

If I have a weakness when it comes to friendships, it is that I invest so much of my heart into them that I leave myself open to hurt and disappointment when they go awry or are not reciprocated. I don't believe in disposable friendships.

About four years ago, a family moved into our ward, and as is our tradition, we invited them over for Sunday dinner. We quickly realized that we had much in common. Todd and I are the same age, are middle kids, grew up on dairy farms, have kids the same age, etc. etc. Soon we were doing everything together as families and friends. We also brought out the best in each other, and one's strengths compensated for the other's weaknesses. We spent Sunday evenings together as families and went out together as couples during the week. We vacationed together, climbed mountains and swam in the ocean together. We shared sacred experiences together, and confided in each other our trials and personal lives. He was very open with me regarding his personal struggles with certain sins and inner demons. I wasn't as open with him. I would often joke that if he really knew me, he wouldn't like me. My secrets just seemed to onerous to share.

Finally after a few years of increasing friendship, and coinciding with my desires quit living a double life, I confided my deepest secrets to him. He was very nonjudgmental and extremely supportive of me throughout the church disciplinary process. He and his wife were with us through our most difficult times. However, about six months after returning to full fellowship (a year ago), I noticed a distancing on his part.

Finally a few weeks ago, my wife ran into them at a diner and mentioned to them that I felt that the our relationship was changing and missed how things used to be. At first they denied that anything was different, and then Todd admitted that he was having a hard time relating to my "issues" and didn't know how to support me. I was a bit surprised by this because we rarely discussed my "issues," and in fact considered my SGA to be a non issue in our friendship.

I sent him a text and said, "I wish I had never told you about me. I told you you wouldn't like me if you knew me." He texted back that he was in a meeting and would call me later. He never did. He knew I was hurting, yet never made contact. I wanted to really find out what he was feeling and so to begin the discussion, I sent the following text a few days later.

"Todd, one day a young man will sit across the desk from you and say, "Bishop, I am gay , or I struggle with same gender attraction." I hope you will care enough to reach out to that young man and reassure him of your love and Father's love and help him rather than avoid him because you are uncomfortable or can't relate. He will likely be sobbing, full of self hate, and feel incredibly alone. He may be suicidal and turn to you as his last effort to find help. I hope you will be there for him."

He called a few minutes later and we had a lengthy discussion. He admitted that he couldn't relate to my SGA and alcoholism, although he has addictions of his own. He said he didn't know how to support and advise me with my problems. I told him that I didn't need his advise, I just wanted his friendship. He said that he is having difficulties with one of his sons who, because of apathy, is failing his college classes. He is busy at BYUI and when he gets stressed and overwhelmed, his nature is to retreat rather than reach out. I know what he said is true, but they are not new. I reminded him of the fun times we had spent together and the experiences we had gone through together and reassured him that I was the same friend I had always been.

This week, he took his family to Moab, a trip we had been planning to do together as families for months.

It is difficult to lose a friendship because of something you have done. It is more difficult to lose a friendship because of who you are. I truly mourn our the loss of our friendship. We continue to associate occasionally, but on a much more limited basis. If they invite us to do something, we will likely do it, but I am no longer comfortable initiating contact.

As one who deals with same gender attraction, I truly treasure positive, healthy male relationships. It is not really a sexual need. It is more an emotional need to have the love, friendship, and association of men who validate my worth as an individual. This is the type of friendship that I thought I had with Todd, and why I mourn its death.

I am trying hard to look back upon our friendship and be grateful for the wonderful times we shared, and not let it become a set back in my life. I am so appreciative of the friends I have made the past year who understand what life is like as a gay individual, and who so willingly extend their friendship to me. You have blessed my life. Thank you so much.

He is Risen!

2009-04-12T20:07:00.003-06:00

I was born on Easter. My mother thought she had indigestion after eating the traditional Easter dinner with her mother's family, but no, it was me!

Maybe that is one reason Easter has always been special to me. As I have grown, Easter has taken on other special meanings to me. It occurs during spring time. As I type this, looking out the office window, I see the tulips pushing their way out of the ground, a squirrel climbing the cedar tree, a robin on the lawn and a small yellow bird in the birch tree. Easter brings newness of life not only to a sleeping world, but to my life.

It represents hope. My faith is not as strong as it once was. I have intentionally withdrawn from His out stretched arms, and have felt the resulting pain, loneliness, doubt, and despair. Today, however, I feel again in my heart His love for me, His unconditional promise that one day I will take up my body and forever be reunited with my eternal spirit.

I know He lives. I know He loves me. I know He knows me, my joys, sorrows, struggles, and potential. I know He paid for my sins. I know He will make me whole again. I know I will live again with Him and my Eternal Father. I know, and I am grateful.

Grabbing the bull by the horns

2009-04-09T20:19:00.004-06:00

Call me be crazy. Two days ago a member of the High Priest's Group leadership called and asked me to meet him at his house tonight for a home teaching interview. Normally it would be no big deal right? I am an excellent home teacher and truly love my families. Well, I have been dreading it for the past two days.

The man I was to meet with just happens to be the member of the ward that I feel most uncomfortable around. At the time I was disfellowshipped, I was the stake executive secretary and he was on the high council. I was present at a prior disciplinary council when he expressed some very homophobic feelings and I saw the look of disgust on his face as a young man was excommunicated for openly living a promiscuous gay lifestyle. At the time, I and another high councilor expressed our love for the young man and his parents. We both have gay brothers, and I, of course, was closeted.

All of the other high councilors were very loving and supportive, but he was cold and distant at my disciplinary council, and he was one of the six who were supposed to be looking out for me! Ever since then, I have felt very uneasy around him. He was released before I was reinstated.

So here is the dialog of our conversation:

Hello Brother Bravone (B)
Hello Brother M (M)
M Please sit down. Would you say a prayer?
B Sure.
M So I have you as a partner with Bravone junior. Is that right?
B Yes
M Is that okay? Does he go? Do you have problems getting him out?
B Yes, he is wonderful. We always go and take turns giving the lesson. He is really good.
M So you want to stay with him?
B Please
M Ok. I show you as teaching the L family, I don't know who they are. Bro S. He is a good man and the K family. Is that true and are you ok with that?
B Oh I love the L family (talked about how wonderful this old couple is.) Bro S. is awesome, but I didn't know I was teaching the K family. How long have I been assigned to them? I'd be happy to go, but wasn't aware I was their home teacher. I hope someone has been going there.
M Oh we are finding all kinds of mistakes. Are you ok going there?
B Sure.
M Anything else we need to talk about?
B (I can't believe I did this) Well Brother M, to tell the truth, I feel more uncomfortable around you than any member of our ward. I am sorry if I have made you feel uncomfortable around me.
M Why do you feel that way?
B Because of the council.
M I harbor no ill will, no hard feelings, no grudges. All I care about is that you come back to church and your family and do what the stake president has asked you to do. (He repeated this 4 or 5 times)
B I am back, but it is a lifelong process. I am still working on things.
M I know. I am not perfect either. That is why I have such a hard time sitting on disciplinary councils. I am imperfect, how can I judge another? I just want you to come back to the quorum (I never left)
B Well, I appreciate that we could discuss this. Again, I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable. Maybe I feel this way because I don't know you very well.
M All I care about is.........
B Thanks. Have a good evening.

Talk about grabbing the bull by the horns! I cannot believe I was so blunt, and I was totally sober! I think that either I have misjudged him, or he has no evident personality (sorry.) I am not sure which is true. I have never seen him show any emotion or change the inflection of his voice. All this time, I may have been carrying feelings of shame and guilt around him when truly he felt no malice toward me.

My new goal for this year is to get to know him better. Any suggestions?

(By the way, I saw my counselor tonight an he said "I can tell by your aura that you are a good man." I nearly cried. As expressed in my last post, I don't always see that goodness. It was a simple yet wonderful moment.)

Where is the little boy, and who is the Man in the Mirror?

2009-04-05T23:04:00.011-06:00

(Warning: this is not a happy post. I thought about deleting it, but it would be disingenuous of me to only show the happy, positive part of my life. I am generally happy with life, but, like many, have moments, even extended periods of time where life seems a bit overwhelming. I want to be clear, however, that although my challenges living as a gay man in the LDS church have contributed to my mental and emotional health, they are but a small part of who I am. They have also refined me, and I am grateful for some of the positive traits that sometimes accompany being gay.)

Where is the little green eyed, blond haired boy born that bright Easter morning? From heavenly parents to earth he was sent. As he grew, freckles covered his nose and cheek bones. He was sweet and sensitive, the family peacemaker, his mother's "little bishop." His favorite chore on the family farm was the nurturing of newborn calves. He taught many sickly calves to suck and stand. He rode in the spud truck with his mother and milked cows with his older brother and father. In his spare time, he climbed the trees lining the pasture and played in the canal. An older cousin talked him into wrestling in a tournament. He wanted to go home, "being mean" was not part of his nature, but he kept winning.

The little boy became a teen, quiet, tender, and yet yearning to be someone he wasn't. He was the president of every priesthood quorum, yet held a secret deep within. He mustered the courage to run for student body vice president and won. He was in the "in crowd," hung with the "jocks," yet was an impostor, a "wannabe."

He grew into a man and with faith and hope, he served a mission and later was blessed to marry a beautiful daughter of God. He was full of confidence and knew he would be successful in life. As a young father he relished his new life as provider, opened his own business, was the first in generations to graduate from college, was ordained a young bishop and served with all his heart, yet failed. He loved his family, laid with them at night, telling them stories, helped his sons build 3 first place pinewood derby cars, went on nearly every camp out, coached his boys in football and his daughter in soccer - though he knew little about either sport previously. His children are thriving, growing, becoming individuals so unlike their father.

Now a middle aged man looks back at him in the mirror. His eyes are still green, but freckles have long since been replaced by a goatee and graying hair. Although recently reinstated into full fellowship in the church, his faith is weakened, his addictions returning. Although honored as one of the nation’s top three producers in his industry, a pit remains in his stomach, wondering how he will continue to provide for his family. Although serving in his community and respected by his colleagues, he lacks confidence in self. Although he has many acquaintances, and is often surrounded by many in circles of influence, he feels alone, with few true friends. His closest OSA friend seems to be pulling away.

Although feeling the spirit in General Conference this morning, driving home, he plotted the "perfect" method and place to take his life in such a way as to leave his loved ones as minimally impacted as possible.

Who is this man? Where is the little green eyed boy? Do they both reside within this body, or has the little boy, the hopeful teen, the confident young father, the successful provider died, and left a shell of a man in their place?

What will become of him? Is it possible to revive the little green eyed boy, the hope, the faith and the confidence?

Should I stay or should I go?

2009-03-23T23:51:00.007-06:00

When I was a kid, JB's Big Boy was one of the only franchise restaurants in our my hometown. Whenever we had something to celebrate, we headed to JB's. After I was baptized, my parents and grandparents to me to JB's. It was always fun and they had awesome coloring books. Sometime while I was in high school, the JB's franchise put on a big campaign (I think they already had their minds made up and just wanted to milk out all the publicity they could get) asking customers whether or not Big Boy should stay or go. (He went)

The other night I posted most of the following on Michael's blog, and then decided it should really belong here. After all it is part of my story and evolution. For some reason, "Should he go or should he stay" kept coming to mind, hence the title of this post. I must admit that the most difficult aspect of my interactions with others in the LDS gay community has been coming to terms with my feelings about those who decide to leave the church. Even when I was furthest from the spirit and despised the church, for some reason, it hurt to see others leave. Over the past year, I have developed many lasting friendships, and have come to care deeply about many who, like me, are trying to reconcile their sexuality with their faith.

I believe that spirituality is a core part of each of us that needs to be nourished and cultivated if we are truly going to find and maintain happiness in our lives.

Spirituality can be fed and flourish in the LDS church, no question. It can also, however, be nourished in any other church or organization whose PEOPLE seek to serve God and fellowman. It can be found by helping the elderly neighbor down the street clean out an overgrown flower bed. It can be strengthened by phoning a friend who needs moral support. It can be experienced by expressing gratitude to God for the beauty of his creations on a mountain peak. I could go on. I believe that it is through serving others that we best show our love to God and become more like our Savior, whose entire existence has been one of service to his Father and to us, his eternal siblings.

To me, the most redeeming aspect of the "Church" is found in the saving ordinances only found therein. Now, to me, that is the main aspect of the church that differentiates it from any other, and it is huge....if you believe that those saving ordinances are really required by God and only acceptable as performed by the LDS church. If you don't, the choice to stay or go is, for me, easy - GO, take the good and truth you have learned, build upon it, and never look back, IF participating causes you to be less or feel less than your best self. IF the fight to keep the faith, and the process of laying your natural desires on the alter to follow the teachings of the LDS faith helps you to reach your full potential - STAY and be true to the choice you have made. This may surprise some who know me.

To be totally honest, I don't know with 100%, or 90% or even 50% how I feel about this. Over the course of my life, I have gone from 99% certain that in order to return to God's presence one had to adhere to LDS teachings to 99% sure that it was one of the biggest farces to have ever been pulled off in the history of the world. Now, I am content in saying that I honestly don't know. I do not know. I do not know. I don't know if I will ever know.

It may sound strange to say that I am not bothered by the fact that I don't know. Some may say that I lack faith. I believe that in reality my faith IN GOD is stronger than it has ever been. I TRUST Him. By going through the things that I have, I am more tolerant, more loving, more understanding, more open to the belief that God loves and knows us better than anyone, and He alone will ultimately be our judge. The Savior will be our advocate.

I would hope, and to a large extent believe, that if the "saving ordinances" as taught by the LDS church are truly required of each of us, that our Father and his Son will provide a way in the eternities (and even LDS doctrine supports this) that those ordinances will be available to all - to all good men and women everywhere - Jew, gentile, black, white, gay, straight, rich, poor, American, Iranian.

I do believe that this life is a time of trial and growth. I believe that sacrifices are expected of us. I believe that self denial, loneliness, heartache, and pain are essential for our growth. I believe that sexual morality (discipline and lack of promiscuity) is essential for us to overcome our physical bodies, find happiness, internal peace, and spirituality. The same is true regarding physical addictions of any kind.

I believe we should embrace goodness and truth wherever they are found, and seek to live honorable lives, whether in or out of the LDS faith. We can do this in a heterosexual, homosexual, or mixed orientation relationship or marriage. For some, striving to live faithfully in the LDS faith may bring out the best in themselves. For some, it may do the opposite, and they would be better off nourishing their spirituality elsewhere.

It is unfathomable to me, that a gay or lesbian, who lives a life of true humanity - loving, caring, helping, sharing, reaching, honesty, industry, morality, and goodness will be denied the eternal blessings of a loving God.

So, will I stay or will I go? I will stay. Why will I stay? Because I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and believe that my participation in the LDS church helps me to live the gospel and to be my best self. I believe that the Church is a good environment in which to raise a family. And.... at this point in my life, if I want to play an integral part of my family's life, I must stay. I am not 100% sure if staying is what the Lord requires of me. My testimony of the "Church" is not as strong as it used to be, but my faith in God is strong, and staying feels right to me. Feeling is something that once I lost, but now have found, and it feels wonderful.

Do I judge those who decide to leave? No. Do I respect them and their decision to seek peace in an environment they feel allows them to become their best selves? Absolutely.

Most of all, I believe in a loving Father who is not only just, but merciful. I believe in his Son, who is my Savior and I am grateful for the Holy Ghost who has allowed me to feel again.

Dark Moments & The Power of a Simple Text

2009-03-21T00:31:00.011-06:00

Sometimes it is hard to explain why, for me, the world can quickly become dark, heavy and seemingly unbearable. At times I can feel it coming. Other times is sneaks up, almost imperceptibly and becomes overwhelming. Financial pressure, perceived apathy from friends, absorption of others' moods and concerns, seemingly one-sided friendships, doubts of faith, heartache for the hurt, sadness, or loneliness of someone close to my heart, reflection upon my life and realizing how short I have fallen from the potential that I once thought lay within, sometimes for no discernible reason, I sink to somewhere deep within and draw the heavy curtains of despair so close around me that it becomes suffocating.

Such was my day earlier this week. I was dying inside. I tried to reach out, but my the weight on my chest would not allow me to fully expose the depth of what I was feeling. I spoke briefly with a friend, but could hardly talk. The words caught in my throat. Pride held them within, not wanting to expose my weakness, guarding myself from further hurt -one of the lowest moments of my life.

I pulled my truck into the parking lot of the liquor store, and made one last attempt to find solace before entering to find known temporary relief. I texted, "Hey ......don't worry about me tomorrow. Good luck this weekend." response "I'm not worried, I do expect to see you tomorrow though. You're still going to be in town?" me "Yes, I just know you are busy." him "Good, then we'll see you tomorrow evening, whether we're busy or not. I'm excited to see you. :)" My cry for help....Father's answer through a friend. Tears streaming down my face, I wept with mixed feelings of pain and gratitude for a friend in tune enough to know my needs. Still weak, I purchased my liquid medication, but it remains hidden and unopened.

The struggling sun found a crack in the clouds of doubt and despair. Gradually its rays made way through my darkened mind until clearly, I could navigate home to peace and safety.

How does one adequately express gratitude to a true brother who sensed need, made room, and allowed his arms to be Father's arms in embracing a wounded son? .....I don't know, but thank you.

I pray that someday, although weak, wounded and unworthy, my soul will be sensitive enough to do the same for another.

Friends

2009-03-13T18:40:00.002-06:00

I am a lucky man! Over the past 6 months, I have built some of the most incredible friendships. Who would have thunk that blogging with a bunch of gay Mormons would bless my life as it has. I have never associated with such a genuine group of men in my life. Each is different, each has his own set of problems, each brings his own unique capacity to love, each has touched my life in ways that I never imagined possible.

Let's face it, being a Mormon and a guy who is attracted to guys don't go together like lemon and meringue. It presents unique challenges and opportunities. I love the Gospel and I have come to love me, a guy who happens to find the male physique more interesting than the female body.

My new found friendships have helped me to fulfill the need for male intimacy in a healthy and gospel appropriate way. When I struggle with addictions or need to hear the voice of a friend who not only understands me, but accepts me, I now have people to turn to. Instead of feeling alone and short on hope, I feel like the Verizon guy with his network following him around.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Do I really need to know?

2009-03-07T21:50:00.003-07:00

I apologize to those of you who already read some of this on a North Star post, but there are many who don't follow North Star whose opinions I value. So I will re-post here, hoping you will feel free to add your two cents worth. (maybe 5 with inflation)

I am reading an interesting book written by a non LDS author on the causes of SSA, some of the difficulties it presents in our lives, and how to live healthy fulfilled lives as men with SSA. I'll write more about it when I have finished reading, but it has caused me to reflect on a question to which I am not sure I know the answer. Is it really important to understand the cause(s) or origin(s) of our SSA to be able to "deal" with it in an effective way, to live a life without shame of the past?

A few months ago, a straight friend of mine asked me if I thought homosexuality was caused by nature or nurture. I told him that I wasn't sure, maybe a little of both, but that it really didn't matter. What mattered is what do I do now that I am in the situation I am in. Maybe the truth is I don't really want to know. I have fine tuned the art of avoiding things that might cause internal turmoil. Maybe my not knowing is part of the reason I am not very successful or consistent in living with my SSA. I don't know.

I know getting hung up on trying to find the answer is counterproductive. I know science doesn't know all the answers. Several years ago, I went to Family Services and the counselor asked the usual questions. I replied as best I could. When he concluded that some of what I felt was because my father didn't show love and affection in a physical way and that he was often a bit distant, I really took offense. I love my dad. I think he is one of the most Christlike people I know. If I could be 1/2 the man he is, I would be happy. Having said that, he had a difficult time expressing his love. His parents were even worse. I don't know if that contributed to my situation or not.

I was also very sexually active at a very young age with a male cousin my same age that lived next door. We were so young that I don't even remember when it started. It continued, however, until high school. It certainly started off innocently enough, but I don't know if it continued because of a predisposition for ssa or whether it contributed (caused) my ssa. I have even considered that it could be part genetic. I have 2 gay uncles and 5 gay cousins (that I know of) all on the same side of the family.

I agree that ultimately I need to leave it at the feet of the Savior, and I truly trust Him. I just wonder if it were possible to really understand the reason for my ssa would help me to better move on or correct certain aspects of my life. Would I feel more peace or would it cause more pain? I am certainly not looking to blame anyone, except possibly myself.

I am not very articulate in expressing myself and it may lead to confusion sometimes. I just wonder if understanding it would help, just like understanding our "triggers" can help us avoid making mistakes.

I wonder if understanding the reason for it would make a difference in how I view my life experiences. For example, would I feel the shame that I felt for so many years while I was in denial? Would I be a little easier on myself when I "screw up?" I don't mind being gay anymore. In fact, I am grateful for so much of my gay nature, that my goal is not to correct a "defect." I appreciate the good aspects that it has given me. I have lived such a conflicted life that maybe understanding the reason why I am gay would allow me to understand better why I did some of the things I have done and feel more at peace with my past.

Your thoughts?