Confession of An Addict and Call to Arms!

North Star Annual Christmas Fireside with Fred & Marilyn Matis

North Star Annual Christmas Fireside 2011

Date: Sunday, December 11th, 2011
Time: 7:00PM
Location: 2790 N. Center Street, Lehi, UT

As in past years, the fireside will feature the talents of individual North Star community members, a brief spoken message, singing, and post-fireside socializing. Please join us for a musical celebration of our Savior's birth. The location is the same as last year's fireside: 2790 N. Center Street, Lehi, Utah. Because it is held in the chapel, please wear Sunday dress. Families and friends welcome.

Homeless visitor at stake conference

Today was stake conference, and through a series of events, I ended up listening in the foyer. It was an enlightening experience. I encountered a whole subculture those in the chapel most likely didn't know existed. A few mentally challenged individuals roved the halls filled with nursing mothers, rebellious chatty teen girls, coughing old men, and jubilant little kids running away from their mothers.

Perhaps the most interesting event was to watch the interaction or lack thereof with a homeless man who wandered the halls with a large hard-sided suitcase. One man spoke with him, some nervously smiled, some turned away, most just ignored him. I thought it was ironic that a counselor in the stake presidency was speaking about what it means to be Christian as many found it hard to show Christ-like love to this man.

I examined my own sentiments. Through my mind ran the name of a Facebook group I follow called "Empathy First." What level of empathy did I have toward this man? Would I be a doer of the word and not just a hearer? I admit that I felt a bit uncomfortable. I thought about the two empty bedrooms in my home. Thoughts then went to my wife and daughter. Would it be safe to invite him there? For a while, I did nothing - just observed.

As he walked around the corner out of sight, I finally found the courage to follow after him and speak with him. He said he was waiting to talk with one of the bishops who had helped him before. We spoke briefly. I gave him the little money I had in my wallet and walked away, feeling some level of comfort that he would likely receive additional help from the bishop.

To a large degree, I failed him, but I'm grateful to have at least minimally acted upon my desire to help this man. Next time I'll do better.

I don't need you anymore.

Jake,
It feels a little strange to be saying this to you now - 30 years since we graduated from high school - but I don't need you anymore. I didn't end the sentence with an exclamation point because I'm neither ecstatic nor angry. I'm nostalgic, peaceful, and satisfied.

Last weekend when I was in town, I felt the need to see you, so I dropped in and caught you home alone. It was uncomfortable and awkward from the start. I guess I should have supposed it would be. When I sent you "my story" in early April, you said you were really busy with tax season and would get back with me when it was over. Even then, I knew you wouldn't. You have never been the one to initiate any form of contact, even though you professed to enjoy it when I reached out to you. For some reason I felt I owed you the courtesy of knowing a personal aspect of my life before it became public in a book published by Deseret Book. When you opened the door, it wasn't the usual, "Bravoooonnne!" "Hey" was all you could muster.

We talked about our lives, mainly yours, for the better part of an hour. During the conversation, I could feel myself pulling away emotionally, finally giving myself permission to not really care about you anymore. For the past 30 years, I haven't missed a birthday call, haven't ever stopped feeling the desire to be part of your life, haven't shed the need to be accepted by you. When I got up to leave, instead of the usual hug goodbye, you maintained an uneasy distance which seemed to represent your discomfort. This time, however, instead of letting it say something about me, I realized it spoke volumes about you, about the shallowness of your friendship and character.

When I walked down the sidewalk to my car, where I once would have felt rejected and discarded, this time I felt liberated from years of self-inflicted second class status, from years of one-sided friendship, from teen-like hero worship. I walked away feeling confident and content that I no longer NEED you. I don't resent you. I wish you no ill will. I'm grateful for the good that did come from our friendship. Associating with you gained me acceptance in the "popular" groups at school, and propped up my feeble sense of self-worth at a critical time in my young life. What I felt for you was closer to pity than anything.

You don't really know me. I'm a good man, the husband of a beautiful wife, the father of four wonderful, well-adjusted children, a successful businessman, and a respected leader in my community. I'm still a good friend, but now I'm a friend to people who reciprocate my friendship. The friends I have now are true friends I not only continue to build happy memories with, but also can turn to when times are tough. Many times I don't even need to turn to them because they are tuned in enough to sense when I need a kind word, or helping hand.

So, all my best to you Jake. You won't be seeing me because I don't need you anymore. 

Epiphany on Spiritual Feelings and Marriage

I was standing at the kitchen counter a few weeks ago, and had an epiphany of sorts. To some it may seem simplistic and naive; to others, profound; to me, it resonates and feels right.

Spiritual Feelings: For months, even years, I have struggled much more with my faith than with my life as a gay man. I have stewed, fretted, worried, even grieved and mourned for what seemed simpler times... simpler faith. I've tried to "think" my way through things and minimize what I "felt" about them, especially spiritual things. How, after all, could I differentiate between promptings of the spirit and my natural emotions? I've posted extensively about my wrestling with spiritual matters.

My epiphany was short and precise; If something makes me feel good and leads to the wholesome, I'm going with it. I'm going appreciate and honor the emotion whether it is the spirit speaking or just a "feel good" reaction in my head. I'm not going to get all worked up about the source of the feeling.

From a gospel perspective, my approach probably isn't that far off. We're told that all good things come from God,  and that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually (Moroni 7:13).

Marriage: I am going to do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together because I find my truest happiness in my family. Many voices both whisper and scream that I am not living "authentically," that my marriage will either eventually fail, or I will not find true happiness until I embrace my homosexuality by finding a male partner with whom to share my life. The same voices maintain that participating in activities such as Journey into Manhood, weekly support groups, online support groups, etc. are not worth the effort, and not in harmony with my "true" or "authentic" self.  I reject these notions!

It may be true that I need to do more than some heterosexual men to maintain a happy and fulfilling marriage, I can't be sure. However, the concept of "maintenance" is not exclusive to mixed orientation marriages. Many professionals are required to complete several hours per year of continuing education. Athletes engage in regular conditioning to maintain peak performance.  Even cars require routine maintenance.

So, there you go!

My Boy Is Getting Married in the Morning

I haven't posted in a while, but need to put down some thoughts tonight before hitting the hay. Life has been crazy lately. I've really suffered from allergies the past few months and feel like I've aged 10 years. Hopefully it's temporary.  I started my own business, put my 17 year-old dog down, quit taking depression and anxiety meds, finished landscaping my yard, hosted around 25 people at my house for the July 4th festivities, put on two family reunions, etc. etc...  Oh, and one of my sons is getting married in the morning!

I suppose I should be really happy right now, maybe I am... More than anything, I feel kind of sad. It seems like yesterday he was born. I vividly remember the details of that day. Now he is a man, one any father would be extremely proud to call son. He is 22, and I am 48. I was 22 when I got married, and my dad was 48. My dad seemed so much more legitimate and put-together than I feel. I feel like a punk kid still trying to make sense of my world. I feel so inadequate to be a "father-in-law."

This son is my second. He grew up in the shadow of a seemingly "perfect" brother, just one year his senior, who was smart, athletic, a natural leader, good looking, etc. Yet, he possesses a lot of self-confidence and has forged his own distinct path. They were/are really close. This son is the one who saw me looking at gay porn when he was a teen. That morning I noticed he hadn't had breakfast, and I asked him why. He hedged a bit and then finally told me he was fasting. Fasting? A teenage boy fasting on a school day? When pressed, he said, "I'm fasting for you Dad. I saw what you were looking at on the computer." My heart sank. My son's hero was now gone.

Several years later, he would google something on my computer and notice I had again been viewing porn. It was this son who would ask my then best friend to take me for a drive and try to help me, and which would lead to my long journey home. It was this son's endowment and ordination to the Melchezidek priesthood I would have to miss. It was this son who, a few days after his return from a mission, I would divulge my "real" life story. It was this son who would wrap his arm around me and tell me that he still loves me, and that I am still his hero.

He is such a fine young man, a true catch for his fiancee.  He is tall, good looking, smart, hard working, compassionate, focused, fun, witty, deeply spiritual...

He is in love, and it radiates from him. As I type this, my melancholy of seeing him move on to this new phase of life, is slowly turning to a smile. I haven't been the best example for him, but I have always loved him and been so blessed to have him for a son. I'm so excited for him. She is beautiful in every way. I anticipate great things from the two of them.

Maybe this is going to be okay.

I should have been sleeping...

He wins who finishes as friend to self. 


It may seem a bit narcissistic, but if we spend our entire lives accumulating boat loads of friends, but fail to make peace with the man in the mirror, and fail to convince him that he too is worthy of our friendship, we have failed in one of life’s greatest conquests – that of our own souls.


I have to chuckle. The first thought came as I was drifting in and out of sleep last night. These allergies are killing me! I purposely worded it awkwardly so one has to read it slowly and think about its meaning. When I shared my deep, philosophical musing with my wife, she looked at me with her nose crinkled up and said, "Huh?"


Well, the second thought was a quick attempt to explain the first. Not sure I did any better!