Gays & Mormons

Gifts That I Would Give

Gifts That I Would Give

Merry Christmas friends. I am reposting a previous Christmas post because I still feel it represents my deepest wish for all of you. These are the gifts I would give you if I could. 

1)    Peace of mind. To me, peace is the truest form of happiness. I would give you peace in your heart, contentment in your life, peace amidst the turmoil and trials of life.

2)    Understanding and Acceptance of self and others. I would give you understanding of your internal and eternal soul. I would give you an understanding of Father’s will in your life, understanding of how you fit into His plan for your eternal happiness. I would give you an understanding of others and their needs. I would then give you acceptance of self and acceptance of others, even though they may not understand or accept you. 

3)    Patience with self and others. I would give you patience with yourself, patience that enables you to not become overwhelmed when you fall short of your expectations, patience with progress, no matter how slow or slight, patience to know that after every fall, there is power to rise again. I would give you patience with others in their dealings with you. 

4)    Tolerance. I would give you the tolerance for others that you also seek. 

5)     Faith. I would give you faith in Him, who is mighty to save, faith that your life has meaning, faith that there is a plan for your life and that you are capable of fulfilling it.  

6)    Friendship. I would give you a true friend, one who possesses these gifts, one who loves you unconditionally, one who speaks candidly, one who lifts and encourages you to be your best self, one who never abandons you in you darkest hour, one who makes you smile and laugh, yet is willing to cry with you. 

7)    Awareness. I would give you awareness of those around you, a sensitivity to their needs, and a willing heart to serve them according to their wants and needs. 

8)    Testimony. I would give you a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which you would use as a firm foundation and a basis for decision making.

9)    Inner Strength. I would give you the strength to follow the promptings of the spirit, the strength to be true to your inner self, the strength to endure the cross that you must bear, the strength to be alone when necessary. 

10)    Wisdom. I would give you wisdom and discernment to guide your choices.

11)    Desire. I would give you desire, desire to grow and improve, desire to be your best self, desire to endure, desire to take the steps to improve your situation, desire to do whatever is required to follow Him.

There are many more gifts that I would give, but realize they are not mine to give. Some must be earned to be appreciated. Others are His only to give.

Most of all this Christmas, I wish to express gratitude for the greatest of all gifts I have been given. I am grateful for the Babe who became my King, Savior, Redeemer, and Friend. I am grateful that He willingly paid the price for my sins. I am grateful for His gift of resurrection. I am grateful for His gospel which points me back to our Father.

Merry Christmas!

No Unfinished Business

No Unfinished Business

I lost my dad to cancer last month twelve days after he was diagnosed. I was driving when my wife called with the news. It took a few minutes for the news to set in, and then I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. "Not my dad, Not my dad, Not my dad!" 

Ten years ago, I moved my family across the state and built a home next door to my folks. I was looking forward to several more years with him as my closest neighbor and friend. I loved being with my dad. A few months ago we spend many hours together in his unheated garage refinishing an antique dresser for my son and his new bride. I told him I loved working with him. He replied that he enjoyed it too and appreciated that we didn't need to be talking all the time - we were comfortable with silence. 

My dad was a simple man of integrity and faith. He loved God, family, and farming. My brother and I remember him swearing... once. It was cow number 72. She was relentlessly kicking him as he tried to milk her, and he finally lost it! He was a perfect example of what it meant to be a good neighbor and to treat people in a Christian way. We shared farm equipment and labor with a neighbor who became like a brother to my dad. As close as they were, they never became complacent in their relationship. Before returning a tractor or piece of equipment, it was fueled, cleaned, and repaired if necessary. Dad didn't serve a mission as a young man and regretted it the rest of his life even though he served several stake missions and missions with my mom to Nigeria, Ghana, Colorado Springs, and the Salt Lake City Family History Center.

My dad was very supportive when I finally told him about my same-sex attraction a few years ago. He didn't understand it, but sought to learn more about it. When he learned the importance of physical touch, he overcame his awkwardness about showing affection, and often told me he loved me. In church each Sunday he would reach over the bench and squeeze my leg three times signifying "I Love You." He was proud of me and my efforts with North Star and my decision to include my story in "Voices of Hope."

The news of his impending death rocked my world, but one thing, for which I will forever be grateful, is that dad and I had no "unfinished business." We didn't need to hurry up and create a relationship before he died. We didn't need to reassure each other of our love or apologize for anything. We were good - no regrets, and I was so grateful. How different the last few days would have been and how different I would feel now if we had unfinished business - unresolved feelings, harbored emotions, forgiveness withheld.  

My dad wasn't afraid of dying. He was at peace. He had no unfinished business with his Heavenly Father. He had been preparing his entire life for July 11th, and was comfortable going home. 

I do have unfinished business with my Heavenly Father. I am not comfortable going home. I pray I will learn from my relationship with my earthly father and take care of the unfinished business I have with my Father in Heaven. 

Check In

Just thought I'd stop by and say hello. It's been a while. The past year was a hard one for me on several levels, yet also filled with many special and unique experiences. Sometime I might get around to writing about them. Sometime...

Rather than catch up now, I'll simply check in with where I am at this moment - tonight. Tonight I feel peace. Tonight I feel gratitude. Tonight I FEEL, and it feels good.

Sometimes I look back on my life and feel to mourn the loss of innocence, the loss of opportunity,  the loss of faith. Other times, such as tonight, I feel to express thanksgiving for life lessons, for challenges, for refining, for family, for friends, for... God. There, I said it! God. Tonight I think I believe in God.

Sometimes - often, I get very weary of the battle in my head "I'm feeling the spirit." "Get real! you are just imaging things. You are just experiencing evolutionary constructs of your mind. It is simply emotion." "God is trying to talk to you." "There is no God." "Satan is working overtime on you." "Satan is a creation of your overactive mind."

Tonight, thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart want to believe. If God is real, living a good life consistent with gospel principles is extremely important. If God doesn't exist, what can it hurt to live as a man of faith? I have been happiest when I have trusted that there is a source of power and strength beyond my own, when I have believed life has a divine purpose.

Tonight I feel hope. Hopefully tomorrow I will too. 

Confession of An Addict and Call to Arms!

North Star Annual Christmas Fireside with Fred & Marilyn Matis

North Star Annual Christmas Fireside 2011

Date: Sunday, December 11th, 2011
Time: 7:00PM
Location: 2790 N. Center Street, Lehi, UT

As in past years, the fireside will feature the talents of individual North Star community members, a brief spoken message, singing, and post-fireside socializing. Please join us for a musical celebration of our Savior's birth. The location is the same as last year's fireside: 2790 N. Center Street, Lehi, Utah. Because it is held in the chapel, please wear Sunday dress. Families and friends welcome.

Homeless visitor at stake conference

Today was stake conference, and through a series of events, I ended up listening in the foyer. It was an enlightening experience. I encountered a whole subculture those in the chapel most likely didn't know existed. A few mentally challenged individuals roved the halls filled with nursing mothers, rebellious chatty teen girls, coughing old men, and jubilant little kids running away from their mothers.

Perhaps the most interesting event was to watch the interaction or lack thereof with a homeless man who wandered the halls with a large hard-sided suitcase. One man spoke with him, some nervously smiled, some turned away, most just ignored him. I thought it was ironic that a counselor in the stake presidency was speaking about what it means to be Christian as many found it hard to show Christ-like love to this man.

I examined my own sentiments. Through my mind ran the name of a Facebook group I follow called "Empathy First." What level of empathy did I have toward this man? Would I be a doer of the word and not just a hearer? I admit that I felt a bit uncomfortable. I thought about the two empty bedrooms in my home. Thoughts then went to my wife and daughter. Would it be safe to invite him there? For a while, I did nothing - just observed.

As he walked around the corner out of sight, I finally found the courage to follow after him and speak with him. He said he was waiting to talk with one of the bishops who had helped him before. We spoke briefly. I gave him the little money I had in my wallet and walked away, feeling some level of comfort that he would likely receive additional help from the bishop.

To a large degree, I failed him, but I'm grateful to have at least minimally acted upon my desire to help this man. Next time I'll do better.